Page 2 | To pay DD's rent?

Mastmw7g · 2023-03-16T02:58:20+00:00

First of all, I'm in the Bay Area of the States. DD is graduating university and was expecting to come home. We've talked about moving for a long time, but now it's actually happening. I did make the offer for her to move with us, but she wants to stay. I want to cosign a lease for her to rent a room and give her the rent money for that for a year. Does that sound reasonable? She won't have use of the family car anymore and she has some student loans to pay on. I worry that I'm not doing enough, and setting her up for failure.

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 05:25

@isthisallnormal Oh, thank you! I felt so nervous telling her yesterday that she can't come home in three months, but she took it really well. She's a good person.

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Frenchfancy · 16/03/2023 05:34

I think paying her rent is a generous thing to do, but remember that she is an adult. You provide her with the safety net but she needs to learn to fly on her own.

I would transfer the money to her and let her pay the rent. That way she is in control. She is not a child.

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 05:37

@ArdeteiMasazxu I'll think about that. I hadn't thought about her needing help past a year before making this post. I don't know how you can downgrade from renting a room. I'd hate to see what that looks like.

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SofiaAmes · 16/03/2023 05:38

Has she been living in the dorms all this time. If so, she will definitely need some advice/help on finding a room without being scammed. Happy to help. We should put our dd's in touch. If she is in SF then she won't need (or want) a car. Where is the job?

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 05:48

SofiaAmes · 16/03/2023 05:38

Has she been living in the dorms all this time. If so, she will definitely need some advice/help on finding a room without being scammed. Happy to help. We should put our dd's in touch. If she is in SF then she won't need (or want) a car. Where is the job?

Yes, she's been in the dorms. That's a good tip about scams. I'm on the parent FB page for Santa Cruz and have read some horror stories. The job is in Mountainview, but it's remote, so she doesn't need to live near Mountainview. DH keeps talking about how he thinks she should stay in Santa Cruz and live with friends instead of renting from strangers.

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OrderOfTheKookaburra · 16/03/2023 06:00

Offer assistance for a year, with a view to having a discussion whether she needs further assistance or not. That way she knows she has your help for a year, and if she's stuck for longer she can have a discussion with you about her finances and what further assistance she needs.

If at that point she doesn't want to share details of her finances then she will have to stand on her own two feet.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 16/03/2023 06:06

I don't know how you can downgrade from renting a room.

there's always a smaller room, in a nastier and more dangerous part of town, with less pleasant sharers and worse communal facilities. but who knows - a lot of this is going to depend on expected career progression for new practitioners of her chosen career. in some careers you expect to earn at very low levels for the first 3-5 years and then there's a good chance of getting promotions that release much higher earning potential. In other careers, progression can take a big leap after a relatively short period for initial experience, but may then stagnate for a while. does your DD have specific expectations for what her employment progression is likely to be?

if you had stayed put and she was living with you after graduation, do you think she would have been ready to move out after only a year? Living with parents for 3-5 years isn't at all uncommon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2023 06:10

ArdeteiMasazxu · 16/03/2023 06:06

I don't know how you can downgrade from renting a room.

there's always a smaller room, in a nastier and more dangerous part of town, with less pleasant sharers and worse communal facilities. but who knows - a lot of this is going to depend on expected career progression for new practitioners of her chosen career. in some careers you expect to earn at very low levels for the first 3-5 years and then there's a good chance of getting promotions that release much higher earning potential. In other careers, progression can take a big leap after a relatively short period for initial experience, but may then stagnate for a while. does your DD have specific expectations for what her employment progression is likely to be?

if you had stayed put and she was living with you after graduation, do you think she would have been ready to move out after only a year? Living with parents for 3-5 years isn't at all uncommon.

I agree with what you’re saying, which is why I suggested to play the 1 year by ear. I guess it really depends on how she gets on and what jobs are available.

ilovepuppies2019 · 16/03/2023 06:35

It will be hard for her. Everything costs more as a single person so even if she paid her fair share of everything then living in the family home would be cheaper. If she can't make it work then are you happy for her to move in with you in a year? If so then she has a safety net. Would it be possible for you give a few big presents to get her started? Some help towards a second hand car maybe? I worked full time through my final years of uni and still needed to live at home. Uni to work is one the toughest times in your life financially and often emotionally.

WinterMusings · 16/03/2023 06:52

Frenchfancy · 16/03/2023 05:34

I think paying her rent is a generous thing to do, but remember that she is an adult. You provide her with the safety net but she needs to learn to fly on her own.

I would transfer the money to her and let her pay the rent. That way she is in control. She is not a child.

@Frenchfancy it doesn't matter how old she is, it's still the OP's credit rating it would fuck up if her DD didn't pay the rent.

@Mastmw7g Who I'd pay the money to would depend on the child!! But paying the LL direct is the safest option, no option for DD to do anything else with it.

paying an amount into DD's account each month, will a) remind her you're subbing her & she needs a job that pays sufficient not to need this & b) allow her to learn to budget as an adult. Hopefully she's sensible enough to pay her rent first?!

I think in your situation subbing her is totally reasonable as you can afford to. 3 months isn't a lot of notice that your parents are moving & you can't 'go home' to live as planned. (Knowing she can move to the new house is a safety net, which not all kids have either, but it's not 'home' as planned).

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 06:59

Would it be possible for you give a few big presents to get her started? Some help towards a second hand car maybe?

I don't know. Even secondhand cars are so expensive now. And her rent is likely to be $1,000 to $1,500 a month (for a room! Isn't that crazy?)

I'll know better what our finances look like after our home sells and we move.

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RampantIvy · 16/03/2023 07:02

I pay DD's rent. She is taking a gap year between undergrad and post grad. She works full time , but is only on a minimum wage.

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:12

@ilovepuppies2019 I sound in my answer like I'm saying I don't know if I'd let her move in with us in a year! Sorry, yes, of course she's welcome to move in with us! We'll have plenty of room for her.

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Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:17

3 months isn't a lot of notice that your parents are moving & you can't 'go home' to live as planned.

@WinterMusings It's really not! We've been talking about moving for a long time, but even I didn't think DH was serious until a few days ago. He said to wait until we next saw her in person to tell her, but I had to tell her before then because she needs to be able to plan!

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QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 16/03/2023 07:18

How far away are you moving @Mastmw7g ?

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:20

RampantIvy · 16/03/2023 07:02

I pay DD's rent. She is taking a gap year between undergrad and post grad. She works full time , but is only on a minimum wage.

I'm glad you can do that for her. It's terrible how little you can make even with a degree.

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Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:22

@QuickNameChangeForMeToday We're moving to Las Vegas, so about 550 miles away.

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QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 16/03/2023 07:28

That’s a fair distance. Given her internship is remote would moving with you for the year be a possibility? A few air fares for in person meetings but allow her to save a bit and perhaps you could put aide 2/3 rent costs for when she needs to relocate?

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:35

Given her internship is remote would moving with you for the year be a possibility?

@QuickNameChangeForMeToday I offered to have her come with us, but she said she wanted to stay. I knew she would. She probably thinks everywhere else is Trumpland.

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QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 16/03/2023 07:47

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:35

Given her internship is remote would moving with you for the year be a possibility?

@QuickNameChangeForMeToday I offered to have her come with us, but she said she wanted to stay. I knew she would. She probably thinks everywhere else is Trumpland.

Trumpland… that’s enough to put the fear into anyone!

Best of luck x

WinterMusings · 16/03/2023 08:30

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:17

3 months isn't a lot of notice that your parents are moving & you can't 'go home' to live as planned.

@WinterMusings It's really not! We've been talking about moving for a long time, but even I didn't think DH was serious until a few days ago. He said to wait until we next saw her in person to tell her, but I had to tell her before then because she needs to be able to plan!

@Mastmw7g

i can understand DH wanting to tell her in person, but thankfully she has you to realise how inconsiderate & how impractical that idea was!!

Not being familiar with the area, I can't add to that, except sharing with friends where she is now sounds a good interim move between home/halls & a house share nearer her internship, miles from anyone she knows, with Lord knows who.

but her choice. She's the one doing it!

I moved out at 17 (overseas where house sharing was the norm once you left FTE) but it was in my local area with family & friends nearby. But I guess she's a lot older & by her age I was travelling around the world on my own, but with a lot more experience of living independently.

Peekingovertheparapet · 16/03/2023 08:33

Sounds reasonable to me, as long as you can afford it - money disagreements usually arise when one person is giving more than they can afford to someone else who doesn’t appear to be valuing the sacrifice.

I think I would be quite explicit about the time box - this is a very generous offer, giving her a year to get on her feet and if she can’t then it will be plan B which could include moving to he with you. Where will your new home be?

Peekingovertheparapet · 16/03/2023 08:36

Oops realise you’ve answered some of my questions. I think I’d probably want to live in the Bay Area over vegas tbh

NumberTheory · 16/03/2023 15:19

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 07:35

Given her internship is remote would moving with you for the year be a possibility?

@QuickNameChangeForMeToday I offered to have her come with us, but she said she wanted to stay. I knew she would. She probably thinks everywhere else is Trumpland.

Biden beat Trump in Clark county, though I doubt it’s as progressive as the San Mateo!

Original poster

Mastmw7g · 16/03/2023 16:10

Biden beat Trump in Clark county, though I doubt it’s as progressive as the San Mateo!

That's good to know!

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