Phubbing

[Wat2do222]

Partner has come in, unloaded about his day (who was being an arse, what he had for lunch etc...) listened and asked questions (like a normal human?) When I start to relay my day phone immediately comes out, distracted and distant. Not the 1st time, sick of pointing it out. Find out the term is phubbing. Anyone else? Suggestions?

What does he say when you point it out?

Apologies, brings his attention back but it's so annoying

It’s the most annoying thing in the world! They need to rant and then instantly go on the phone to unwind.
I purposefully ignored my dh when he came home for a few days. I sat on my phone when he chatted and didn’t ask any questions. He eventually asked why I was being rude so I pointed out that’s what he does to me all the time. He’s made a conscious effort to be better but sometimes the phone comes out. I pull him up on it and he instantly puts it away. We have times now when we sit together without phones and just spend time together.

No, it isn’t ‘phubbing’ or some other phrase.
It is just rude fucking behaviour

When you point it out, what are you saying, exactly?

Are you going ‘you’re not listening’? Or are you saying ‘you regularly come home and offload to me, then stop paying attention when it’s my turn. It’s rude and I’m annoyed. Why do you think this is okay’?

As those are very different messages.

I love the word. OP, did he ask how your day went before he fubbed or did he just go straight to his phone after he'd offloaded?

I remember reading about a woman who decided she'd spend 2 weeks not volunteering any information about her day, her feelings, etc...and her husband didn't notice. But I like the idea of you just fubbing him back!

I would treat him the same way and see how he likes it.

Hahaha it defo sounds like something way more suspect! Agree its super rude. So I have tried most angles from being really abrupt and saying 'sorry am I boring you?' Mirroring the behaviour - it is always met with a sorry but sometimes he is actually starts doing internet banking/booking something and I get 'sorry just need to do this'

Now I am no angel, I am sure I have done it once of twice myself but its so enraging

I will add we communicate very differently, I love talking about anything and everything. I love having long protracted conversations about everything from serious to completely ridiculous. I could listen to people talk absolute shite all day and still ask questions. He on the other hand will become distracted or if he is uncomfortable with the convo go as far as leaving the room

That’s all addressing specific incidents, though. Have you talked to him about the overall pattern of behaviour? Sorry to harp on about this, but that’s what needs to be addressed.

I get the same. And also the agreeing with what I've said then a few seconds/ minutes later asking me what I said. But you agreed with me? So how come you don't know what I said?
F*ing infuriates me.

He on the other hand will become distracted or if he is uncomfortable with the convo go as far as leaving the room

But he’s happy to talk about his stuff at great length? This chap isn’t sounding great, OP. My previous suggestions regarding having a conversation about it might not help if he’s just super selfish.

How long have you been together? Has he always done this? Does he do it to other people or just you?

@AlmostaMamma so to give an example, he might tell me about a family issue and I'll want to dig down and get to the bottom of it, thrash it out so to speak, ask questions etc...and if he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it anymore he'll get the phone out or go off to do some task. I realise I am probably a bit of a nightmare, but I do.really enjoy listening to things and trying to work things out

@AlmostaMamma 20 years 😂 we have talked a lot about it 🤣 he is very distracted sometimes, can be to do with work/stress. The phone thing just enrages me. If I bring his awareness to it, he instantly apologies but it becomes tiresome again and again

@red78hot it's so bloody infuriating, also happens with the TV at times. Maybe I am just a boring fart 😂

@Hiddenvoice I am at the point of suggestion phone down time, I think this would be of real benefit to all of us

@tallwivglasses its an interesting word isn't it. Have you phubbed anyone recently? 😂

Yep get this so now we just don't talk to each other 🤣.

Sadly I'm not joking!

You're right to say you communicate in different ways but it might be useful not so much if you did the same back to him, more if you made him FEEL the same.
Next time he starts to tell you something, just put your finger up in a hush manner, and walk over to a different chair/room and blank him. He'll assume you've heard/noticed something and then he'll ask if you're listening. Listen for a bit, the take hour shoes off/get your slippers...do it 2 or 3 times till he actually uses the words ignorant or rude.
Why are you telling me this? works quite well too.

Phubtumping

My dh is exactly the same. Comes home, moans about his day in great detail.. then gets his phone out. I can't remember the last time he asked how my day at work (or home) was!
He's a really decent guy in 99% of things, and we've been together since 1988 and I'm not going to walk out over it, but dear GOD it annoys me!

Especially when he then sits looking at FB reels with his phone on loud!
I've taken to playing my piano passively aggressively while he's watching Eastenders

@JudgeRudy some good suggestions there, I just find it hard to mirror the behavior because I actually want to hear it. We don't usually talk much throughout the day so I like to catch up. I have to be fair and say it isn't all the time but it has been a running theme that I have to draw his attention back to conversations/tasks

@StillMedusa ffs this! I got rid of FB a while ago and he had deactivated his profile but due to a new business venture he's made a couple of social media accounts to advertise. Scrolling scrolling scrolling...

my dh occasionally does this- not specifiacally talking about his day but something he likes or just wants to talk about-if i carry on conversation or we go onto something else he just starts getting bored