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Original poster

Toddler sharing

39 replies

QWERTTY · 15/03/2023 15:45

So I know toddlers can’t share till they’re older because their brains haven’t developed, but what do you actually do in the scenario when they ‘need’ to but aren’t willing?

Playgroup first thing this morning. My child (just turned 3) had a toy fire engine for a while, another child wanted it so I got my child to give them the toy because she had had it for a period of time and it ended in absolute chaos with my daughter having a huge tantrum on the floor and in the end we had to leave because she just couldn’t reconcile herself. Everyone was staring at me, no one said a kind word and not even any friendly ‘we know how you feel’ smiles. I felt like I had wronged my daughter by making her give up the toy in a way but I feel like if I hadn’t then the other child wouldn’t have gotten an go with the fire engine and that wouldn’t be right either. The other child’s mother didn’t say anything whilst it all happened so they clearly felt their child should have the toy, which is fine.

so what do you actually do in these scenarios? I feel like a terrible parent who has failed either way and that’s what everyone else was thinking.

OP posts:
ChildcareIsBroken · 15/03/2023 15:49

Did you prepare her for it or just took it without warning?
It's good to say something like just another five minutes and you'll need to give it to this child. And then remind her few more times. And then say time's up and take it away.
At first she'll still have a tantrum but in time hopefully it'll get better.

ChildcareIsBroken · 15/03/2023 15:51

And important, say what positive thing will happen afterwards.
Now you'll play with this fire track for another five minutes and then we'll go over there and play with this amazing police car. Or whatever it is.

Original poster
QWERTTY · 15/03/2023 15:52

ChildcareIsBroken · 15/03/2023 15:49

Did you prepare her for it or just took it without warning?
It's good to say something like just another five minutes and you'll need to give it to this child. And then remind her few more times. And then say time's up and take it away.
At first she'll still have a tantrum but in time hopefully it'll get better.

To be fair I have no warning. I said hey we’ve had for it a while, shall we take it in turns with this child and then have it back. She normally understands taking turns but she’s not been in the best mood today so she just couldn’t cope with it.

OP posts:
spidereggs · 15/03/2023 15:54

Yes I agree with @ChildcareIsBroken

I wouldn't have taken it straight away, especially if she was playing well.

It's really hard, it the balance between sharing and the other child learning to wait for a turn.

My second child for example, she's the child who just wants everything everyone else has, and as soon as she gets it puts it down and moves on. So she's not best suited to playgroup with large numbers of children. She does better in a small group or at more activity type things.

Eldest would have calmly given it over, but is the one who ends up with nothing sat by themselves.

Youngest is your daughter here, gets something and that's her, but she would sit and play with that for a good while.

Lots of prep beforehand, lots of distraction, lots of warning if something has to be shared.

VeryLowTum · 15/03/2023 15:56

Agree I wouldn't let them carry on playing with it indefinitely but wouldn't just take away, would do warnings, countdown and then distraction.

Original poster
QWERTTY · 15/03/2023 15:57

Okay thank you, maybe I need to remind her about sharing before we go in and then start doing a warning before actually asking to hand over.

I just wish other parents would be more supportive,l. I hate the staring, even if they are just thinking ‘I’m glad that’s not mine today’ or whatever.

OP posts:
ShapesAndNumbers · 15/03/2023 15:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Theelephantinthecastle · 15/03/2023 16:02

I think there's a fine line between not letting your child hog the best thing for the whole session and teaching them to be a doormat.

If my child is playing with something and enjoying it, I won't make them hand it over as soon as another child is interested. I think it's fine for the other child to wait a while. Quite often they lose interest after a minute or two and then problem solved. If they really want a turn, I will then do the "last few minutes with the fire engine before this other girl gets a turn" type countdown

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/03/2023 16:03

So put yourself in her shoes. She's happily playing with item. Then you just literally randomly take it off her? If you were totally absorbed in something which was important to you, and someone just randomly cut it short, you would be a bit peeved too. Unfortunately as we all know "bit peeved" translates to full toddler meltdown. Honestly don't worry about the starers- they're all just glad it wasn't there child! Most of them prob didn't mean to have a resting bitch face expression, in their mind it may have been a sympathetic look!
And next time just as prev posters have said warning and countdown. Then that way if meltdown does ensure, calm voice and "I told you it was time to hand over toy, now we can either leave now or if you calm down you can play with this amazing toy 2"

7Worfs · 15/03/2023 16:12

OP kindly get over your people-pleasing tendencies.
Your child was playing nicely with a toy. I presume there were other toys available for the other children. It’s crazy to just pluck it out of her hands and hand it over to another child.
Use warnings, or simply tell the other child “Emily is playing with the train now sweetheart, but when she’s done we’ll bring it to you”

Original poster
QWERTTY · 15/03/2023 16:12

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/03/2023 16:03

So put yourself in her shoes. She's happily playing with item. Then you just literally randomly take it off her? If you were totally absorbed in something which was important to you, and someone just randomly cut it short, you would be a bit peeved too. Unfortunately as we all know "bit peeved" translates to full toddler meltdown. Honestly don't worry about the starers- they're all just glad it wasn't there child! Most of them prob didn't mean to have a resting bitch face expression, in their mind it may have been a sympathetic look!
And next time just as prev posters have said warning and countdown. Then that way if meltdown does ensure, calm voice and "I told you it was time to hand over toy, now we can either leave now or if you calm down you can play with this amazing toy 2"

You’re absolutely right and I felt terrible about it, I know I didn’t handle it well. I worry a lot about being a soft parent and I think sometimes I go a bit the other way to try and show I’m not.

Parenting is such a minefield! Thank you for the ideas

OP posts:
Original poster
QWERTTY · 15/03/2023 16:13

7Worfs · 15/03/2023 16:12

OP kindly get over your people-pleasing tendencies.
Your child was playing nicely with a toy. I presume there were other toys available for the other children. It’s crazy to just pluck it out of her hands and hand it over to another child.
Use warnings, or simply tell the other child “Emily is playing with the train now sweetheart, but when she’s done we’ll bring it to you”

Thank you. As I said I think I’m quite soft and I worry about getting it wrong with ‘discipline’ and I definitely put this other child above my own, which was wrong. Next time I will deal with it as people are suggesting on here.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 15/03/2023 16:21

I completely relate to being very soft and sometimes randomly go the other way in public for fear of being judged.
I have a few similar situations seared in my memory from years ago, and will have more for sure.
Steep learning curve this parenting business.

ChildcareIsBroken · 15/03/2023 16:28

OP, don't beat yourself up. No parent is perfect, we are all just trying our best.

Original poster
QWERTTY · 15/03/2023 16:51

Thank you all for being so lovely. X

OP posts:
Corcomroe · 15/03/2023 16:54

OP, this is of no help but might amuse you. I’m tired and I genuinely read your title as being about ‘toddler-sharing’, along the lines of job-sharing, and found myself thinking about the advantages of sharing someone small, shouty and uncooperative with another family…

MelchiorsMistress · 15/03/2023 17:00

You could take a little 2 minute egg timer along to use as a visual cue that her turn is nearly finished along with the verbal cues if this keeps being a problem Get it out when another child says they want they toy and make sure your dd sees that someone else is waiting. There’s nothing wrong with making another child wait for your child to finish their turn.

VeryLowTum · 15/03/2023 18:05

Don't feel bad, the only way anyone on this thread knows useful strategies is because we've all spent time getting it very wrong! You sound like a lovely parent.

I have two toddlers I'd be happy to share out especially between about 4-6pm every day.

Outwiththenorm · 15/03/2023 18:10

Our DS has only really ‘got’ the sharing thing now he’s 4.5 and even then when he’s almost good and ready to give something up. At 3 I say let her hog the toy but then praise her hugely when she’s had enough and another kid gets a go. She’ll get the idea.

Be reassured that every one of those other parents have been in this position at some point and I guarantee their main thought was ‘thank god that’s not me this week’.

RiverRock22 · 15/03/2023 18:14

I read somewhere that we expect toddlers to abide by social requirements that we wouldn't be happy with yourself. E.g. if you were using your phone and someone said you've been using that for a while, let Tom have it for a while. We wouldn't be happy as we have no say in the interaction and something is just taken off us as it's perceived we have finished playing with it.

VeryLowTum · 15/03/2023 18:46

RiverRock22 · 15/03/2023 18:14

I read somewhere that we expect toddlers to abide by social requirements that we wouldn't be happy with yourself. E.g. if you were using your phone and someone said you've been using that for a while, let Tom have it for a while. We wouldn't be happy as we have no say in the interaction and something is just taken off us as it's perceived we have finished playing with it.

But they're not at home with their own toys, they've gone somewhere with communal stuff to be shared. So it's not like being asked to share your mobile. It's more like if you went to a theme park and just wanted to stay on a rollercoaster for hours without getting off when others were waiting for their turn.

VeryLowTum · 15/03/2023 18:47

Or if you took a book out of the library which was a new release and in demand, but you decided to keep it at home for six months as you wanted to reread it a few times.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/03/2023 15:45

Ahhhh don't worry about it, and I honestly don't care if people think I'm a soft parent. I won't have a go at my son for age appropriate behaviour, unless hes taking the P and he knows it. But there's things I care about that other parents don't seem to, like putting our wrappers etc in the bin instead of just leaving them on the table for staff to collect. Yes I know that's their job but I think getting toddlers in the habit of putting rubbish in the bin will pay dividends in the future.
But we all lose our rag sometimes we're all only human, apologies for any typos in my msgs if I don't type really fast MN inserts a million paragraphs into my reply drives me mad!

DidyouNO · 17/03/2023 16:10

Going against the grain here. I'm not a great fan of sharing in this instance.
This smacks of the other child being taught to 'politely take a toy from another child' She was playing with it, maybe a story in her head, her hands exploring it and then because another child decides they want it she has to stop. But she would have put it down eventually and there were plenty of other toys there for the other child, who had not yet connected with the girls toy. Who's saying the other child would have got such enjoyment? Of course we need to teach them taking turns. But that's for a game of snakes and ladders. We also need to teach them to wait their turn too!
The way I see it;

  1. An adult borrows a magazine at the doctors. Another adult stands over you until you have to give the magazine up?? No. No way but we teach our kids this is ok?
  2. you're queuing at a museum and everyone want to see a special painting. The line allows you to view for 2 minutes before moving on. Then yes, in this special scenario, time frames, move, share, take turns etc. but no. I wouldn't have stepped in there.
Crackingoldjob · 17/03/2023 20:35

I have to say I agree with your 3 year old 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't agree with forcing children to share like this, had she have been the other child waiting for it, would you have told them to share or asked her to wait until they had finished playing with it and find something else. I think if you wouldn't go up to someone and say 'I want that right now' and expect to it to be handed over, you can't expect children to stop their playing/learning/exploring/processing instantaneously either. They have to be allowed to naturally end their play 🤷🏻‍♀️