Toddler sharing

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So I know toddlers can’t share till they’re older because their brains haven’t developed, but what do you actually do in the scenario when they ‘need’ to but aren’t willing?

Playgroup first thing this morning. My child (just turned 3) had a toy fire engine for a while, another child wanted it so I got my child to give them the toy because she had had it for a period of time and it ended in absolute chaos with my daughter having a huge tantrum on the floor and in the end we had to leave because she just couldn’t reconcile herself. Everyone was staring at me, no one said a kind word and not even any friendly ‘we know how you feel’ smiles. I felt like I had wronged my daughter by making her give up the toy in a way but I feel like if I hadn’t then the other child wouldn’t have gotten an go with the fire engine and that wouldn’t be right either. The other child’s mother didn’t say anything whilst it all happened so they clearly felt their child should have the toy, which is fine.

so what do you actually do in these scenarios? I feel like a terrible parent who has failed either way and that’s what everyone else was thinking.

I have mixed views on sharing. Turn taking is a form of sharing and I feel we all need to learn to do this, initially from rule following (2 more goes) but later through empathy snd social conditioning.
I do think though some parents are out of order sometimes though especially with older children. For example cousins come round with your sister and you essentially give them free range to all your children's toys. I disagree with that. I also think if you have a bag or sweets you shouldn't be forced to share. No one would dream of doing that to an adult. Imagine if your friend called round with her husband and you lent him OH jumper or drill!
I think your main mistake here was you did not warn your child or offer any alternative. It's good though you're thinking about it for next time. I actually think many of the other parents DID feel for you, you were just too flustered to notice.

My just turned 3 year old would have done exactly the same thing. I wouldn't generally take a toy off her, I spend most of the time trying to stop her taking toys off other kids 😬don't worry about it, every kid in there will have thrown a tantrum at some stage

I read it the same way originally too! My DC are way past toddler age and was thinking I'd be up for some toddler sharing - they are so adorable and amusing in small doses.

I think you need to distinguish between "sharing" and "taking turns". You can only share things that belong to you. They are yours, and you are being kind when you let others temporarily have them. You have the right to be upset when other people take them without your permission.

Taking turns is different. It's about manners. You take turns with items which don't belong to you because you do not have more rights over them than anyone else.

I think it's important for children to learn the difference.

A warning would be a good idea, something like another 5 minutes (or 1/2/3), then we will let another child have a go while we look for the next fun toy.

Most parents don’t say much as I think they know what it’s like and last thing some parents want is other parents over fussing, we all know (or will know), what it’s like at some point.

The thing is. There is no right way to do it. If you force your child to share, the gentle parents will come for you and tell you all about Montessori and the trust and attachment and the cortisol and the stress!

If you don't force your child to share the traditional parents will come for you and tell you about rods for your back and raising a brat and social norms!

Just do the best you can at the time, that can look wildly variable on a day to day basis. Do what works for you and your little one without adhering to anyone else's method. The other parents probably weren't saying anything because they were too busy worrying about keeping their own kids under control 😂

Stuff everyone else, this stuff is hard and it's hard for you and you dd. It's not that important in the greater scheme of things, it will happen to all the dcs and all the dm and dds, I would try to not think about it - it's a normal stage in development, anyone who has an issue with what happened to you is lucky it hasn't happened to them yet or doesn't give a whatsit so please try not to over think it. I'd say good try at dealing with a tricky situation, well done both of you, whatever to everyone else! Xxx

I wouldn't have made her share it.

Nursery teacher here 👋🏼

this is so common and I’m supporting lots of families with this. Post covid our support networks need building up to help nurture parents and little ones.
I agree with a pre warning, otherwise chaos will happen.
also teaching your child to say ‘I’m not finished playing with it yet’ and ‘can I have it when you are finished?’ Really does empower them to navigate conflicts over toys.
hang on in there, most adults were probably relieved it wasn’t their child having a tantrum.

The other kid needed to learn to wait that they can’t have what they want straight away. Kids want to play with whatever other kids are playing with rather than all the other cool toys laying on the floor. The other kids mom should have entertained their own kid with a different toy.

Don’t be hard on yourself OP, or your toddler, how would she now how to share if they haven’t had experience of sharing? All part of learning. Definitely nothing to worry about.

When my son was little I went with the Montessori approach. I didn't make him share, if another child wanted what he was playing with I (and our group of friends did the same) just said "Billie (not his name) hasn't finished playing with it yet, as soon as he does, you can have a go." And we waited until the chid had finished. I remember reading about the philosophy and it said "imagine you are in the middle of doing something on a computer and someone just walks up and deletes it, how would you feel?!" It really resonated and from then on I didn't force him. As he got older and started to share I praised him when he did. He's 7 now, and despite being an only child is a lovely sharer.

Thank you every for your responses - will be having a proper read through. But from a quick skin so far it seems as though I was being utterly unreasonable and will be taking your advice into account, teaching about taking turns, giving warnings and sometimes saying you don’t have to share.

thank you to all of your for your kind and thoughtful responses. Xx

It's hard I can totally relate as I would do something like this feeling societal pressure in the room and then regret it afterwards.

I think if your child is playing with a toy and no one else is interested just let them crack on. If someone comes over interested say 'oh I think so and so wants a turn, let's have two more minutes and then let them have a go' and then do the reminders. Easy to think oh gosh must share must share when someone wanders over but what feels like a long time to you making them wait probably isn't actually that long. I am often delighted when DD chooses the toys which the other children clearly think are boring. Means I don't have to deal with this usually!