www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4615318-call-the-police-or-am-i-wasting-police-time?
Original thread so you can see what a mess it all was.
l had a “partner” who once I fell pregnant (not intentional, he didn’t want to be a father) would go off and disappear, tell me he was on his way home and then not turn up. He moved out mid last year, we stayed together but he was absent so broke up again, then he broke his back, I looked after him and then he went back home. Between November 2022 and January 2023 we were on and off. I didn’t listen to the advice I was given, although I’m not sure looking back I was able to. I did pay attention to posters who said it wasn’t love but was codependency but I guess you could say it didn’t really impact me. I was sucked back into whatever “we” had and it was just shite. A silly example is I drove him to a family gathering and ended up being sat in the car at 36 weeks pregnant waiting for him to come out to find he had vanished off into town. He left me waiting for a long time at 1am, and I didn’t leave because I’m an idiot.
Anyway, I can say I am now completely physically clear of him. My daughter was born, she is lovely and brings a lot of joy to my family (me, my mum, my son).
I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I completely understand how toxic it was. I’ve also been able to recognise where he gaslit me and having spent time with his family I have also learned where he lied and blamed me for things (like I said he couldn’t visit them as I had made plans for us = lie). His family love our daughter and I make sure to drive an hour to see them with her. His sister is lovely, his aunts adore her. He does not see her, we don’t hear from him. And yes I understand that’s for the best.
I have read back over the thread several times and it is an entirely different read for me out of the relationship than when I was half in half out. I never would have thought I’d be someone who would refuse to accept the truth even when multiple people are shouting it at you.
My friends are glad he is gone. My mum has expressed how relieved she is. I’m mid 30s, I’m not a child yet I feel like one. I do have autism and adhd so things are often harder for me to process, and to an extent I am quite childlike.
HOWEVER…and I make this statement in full honesty and this is where I need help.
If he knocked on my door and begged me to take him back, I would. Even after a couple of months of no contact, I can feel it.
I don’t know why, I just have this strong feeling that I would do that. I phoned our local access to therapy service and they have said I’m not eligible. I am desperate to move on but it’s like there are two versions of me…one who is “strong” and accepts he was awful, and then the other “weak” version who just wants him back. I think I feel like I need him?
I have never experienced this before, I don’t know where to start. Can anyone signpost me? I’m on maternity leave so have plenty of time to read. I do NOT want him back in my life, I want my daughter to grow up without learning that his behaviour is acceptable. I want my son to understand how to treat fellow human beings and not accept bad behaviour. I need to be a good role model myself.
I have joined the gym, and am taking baby out for walks with the dogs to distract me as I’m worried if I dwell on the weak side of me I’ll crawl back to him. Part of me wonders if I don’t love myself which is why I feel I need him. It’s like, I want love and think that what he offers is love but I know it isn’t love…. I’m not sure if it makes sense I don’t want him back consciously.
I would imagine counselling is a good idea but having looked it seems they specialise in different areas and I am not sure what area I should be looking at. They list things like PTSD for example. I can afford a counsellor and can access some cash through work.
Thank you, and sorry to those who felt like they were banging their head against a brick wall. I appreciate the efforts made in the previous thread and I don’t want it to be in vain. I want to grow from this but I don’t know where to start
My hormones are all over the place and I’m emotionally quite tender so if anyone feels the need to be incredibly unkind, please don’t.