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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my siblings need to step up? I can't cope!

45 replies

LittlePhoebs · 14/03/2023 10:41

My parents were older when they had me and unfortunately both require a lot of help at the same time I am juggling young kids. It's difficult to step up as much as I'm being expected to when some days just juggling school runs and an exclusively breastfed 6 week old is too much! I am one of 5 but my other siblings live further away and don't have kids. There's this attitude that because my parents see me more often, and have helped out with the kids that I owe them the help, my sister even said to my mum well you do so much for that she needs to step up for you guys. I didn't feel like my parents being active grandparents meant I was solely responsible for looking after them? They have also helped me financially bailing me out of a significant amount of debt 8 years ago. Another reason why my siblings feel like I need to take the lead here. But again this help was offered not asked for and never came with the conditions that I need to be the main source of help to them. I feel like there are just far too many people dependent on me and the pressure is suffocating. I love them and don't mind helping but I am struggle with the level and expectation and the attitude from siblings

OP posts:

royalrecording · 14/03/2023 10:46

This sounds really hard. I think you need to be clear about what help you can offer right now (x visits per week/month, x shopping trips, x appointments etc). Whatever is left over your siblings need to take care of one way or another.

BeachDayz · 14/03/2023 10:55

it’s up to your siblings what help they give or don’t, nothing to do with you. If they don’t want to give any then that’s how it is. Best thing for you is to decide what your boundaries are and keep to them.

KILM · 14/03/2023 10:59

Have your siblings received a similar level of help, if not physical but financial etc? Ultimately if they don't want to help or have reasons they can't (like you) then that's it really. There may be ways you can help your parents help themselves, online shopping with home delivery etc?

DuvetDownn · 14/03/2023 10:59

I don’t think you can make them so more but you need to work out how much you want to do yourself and then stick to it. I can’t stress this enough, you have to look after your own health and well-being, this has to be your priority.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable to tell your siblings how much or how little you will be doing and highlight where the gaps are. The time may have come where you need to get paid help for your parents.

user1492757084 · 14/03/2023 11:01

Show siblings your letter.
Say you are not coping and indicate exactly what you can contribute. List all parents' needs not being met by you.
Ask XXX sibling to communicate with others to share out tasks so that parents are cared for. Get them to realise what needs doing and to organise themselves.

DangerNoodles · 14/03/2023 11:08

It does sound like your siblings have been treated differently to you, as a result they feel less obliged to help them now they need help. I do think it's fine for the less favoured children to take a step back from thier parents so if your siblings don't want to help, you can't force them.

Take your siblings out of the equation, what is your limit? You have a lot of responsibilities and really the welfare of your children must be priority. If you can't care for them single handedly then there is no shame in calling in professional help.

LadyHaHaHeeHaw · 14/03/2023 11:09

I don't think you can make your siblings do anything, they've made their position clear
You have so much on your plate but it maybe worth a call to Age Concern to see if they have any advice

Lefteyetwitch · 14/03/2023 11:10

Your parents care is not their job. You can't dictate what they do at all.

You either help or you don't. That's for you to manage.

Mumski45 · 14/03/2023 11:17

As pp said you can't force your siblings to help if they don't want to. What you can do is set your own boundaries around how much you are able to cope with and then stick to them.

You never know you may find that if your parents need more than you are prepared to give one of the others might step up and fill the gap.

DuvetDownn · 14/03/2023 11:19

OP contact carers support and tell them how you are feeling. They arranged counselling for me when I was being pulled in too many different directions. From this process I learnt to say no and for me to stop feeling I was responsible for so many people’s happiness/wellbeing.

DowntownRegret1 · 14/03/2023 11:22

It's not for your siblings to step up, they're rightly deciding what level of support they can reasonably give and they're holding that boundary, which is great for them.

It's for you to step down to a point where you are content with the amount of support you're giving. No, you don't owe your parents anything just because they've provided help, unless that help was explicitly with the agreement that you would help them down the line (and even then, sometimes we do make promises we can't keep, that's the reality of life as an adult). You can either decide what you can offer, take a step back and just do that (it will be hard as emotionally you might be conditioned to give too much to others, and it might mean changes your parents aren't keen on like help from outside of the family) or you can keep doing what you're doing for as long as you're able to. But the choice is absolutely yours. Please don't get the impression this problem is on your siblings to resolve, it isn't.

whumpthereitis · 14/03/2023 11:22

Isn’t ‘leave the caring to the favorite sibling’ the normal advice given when people post on here about a sibling getting more parental help?

either way, your siblings aren’t obliged to provide elder care, any more than you are. That you’ve chosen to doesn’t mean they have to step in.

Asummersday · 14/03/2023 11:36

They don’t have to look after their parents. This is a you problem. Do it or dont

DowntownRegret1 · 14/03/2023 11:39

whumpthereitis · 14/03/2023 11:22

Isn’t ‘leave the caring to the favorite sibling’ the normal advice given when people post on here about a sibling getting more parental help?

either way, your siblings aren’t obliged to provide elder care, any more than you are. That you’ve chosen to doesn’t mean they have to step in.

Yes, and it's such a petty childish response.

Grandparents don't help with childcare? Well, show them the consequences when they need your help!

So pathetic. Grandparents don't owe their kids childcare and adult kids don't owe their parents practical and personal care.

Mirabai · 14/03/2023 11:43

They should definitely step up. However some offspring are really selfish.

CharlotteRose90 · 14/03/2023 11:49

If you can’t manage then don’t, your siblings are not responsible for care for them. We aren’t born to care for our parents when they get old. If they need help they need carers or pay To go into care homes. You can’t manage them and a newborn

CrotchetyCrocheting · 14/03/2023 11:50

How are their relationships with your parents? Have your parents done as much for them as they have for you? In my family(4 siblings) the 2 older siblings had a very different upbringing to the 2 younger, we were treated badly, I don't know what happened when the 2 younger siblings came along but they had lovely parents. The 2 younger have no idea what it was like for my elder sibling and I, no idea how it has effected us as adults.

When the time comes that my parents need care I won't be there for them nor will my elder sibling. If the 2 younger want to then good for them but if they tried to pressure me to help them I wouldn't take kindly to it. Family relationships can be really complicated, it sounds like you have had lovely, very helpful parents, can your siblings say the same?

ShapesAndNumbers · 14/03/2023 11:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsRobinStrike · 14/03/2023 11:56

From the other side, I think my siblings do too much for my DM. They are her substitute partner. She doesn't need care yet but they want me to visit her X amount of time. I have other responsibilities and don't think that because DM wants someone around as company all the time that she needs or is entitled to company all the time.

I am not willing to give up my time to meet her wants.

I appreciate that this is not the same as your situation in that your parents need caring help. But just to give you the other viewpoint - their expectation is not my obligation.

I have advised my siblings to do as much as they are happy to do and then step away. Their time is valuable too.

MrsRobinStrike · 14/03/2023 11:59

Re-reading your OP, it's not actually clear what help your parents do need. You mention people expecting from you.
You have a tiny baby. You need to prioritize the baby and your own children right now

TheHouseNextDoor · 14/03/2023 12:01

What is it you do for your parents?

Let your siblings / parents know what you will be doing going forward and suggest paid care for the rest.

headingtosun · 14/03/2023 12:14

I think it is going to be difficult for your siblings who are likely to feel that you have taken more than your fair share both in time and money from your parents.
But ultimately you need to set your own boundaries with your parents, what works for you?
You can't make your siblings more involved than they want to be but you can set your own limits.

jigsaw234 · 14/03/2023 12:16

Your siblings have made it clear what they can/can't do
You need to do the same, tell your parents - they'll need to buy in help where you can't

DangerNoodles · 14/03/2023 12:25

They should definitely step up. However some offspring are really selfish.

That is an easy thing to say if you have good parents who have treated all of thier children the same.

Coconut80 · 14/03/2023 12:38

I'm with your siblings on this one. My bil and his wife had 14 years of free childcare, kids had own wardrobe full of clothes at GP house. Regular four day weekends at GP and took the kids away on holiday. They were so busy with this one set of GC that they rarely saw ours and could not help in times of crisis as had committed to looking after other GC. So the GP won't see us for dust when they need help. All carer duties and needs will fall firmly at bil and his wives feet. This type of favouritism is really hurtful and has consequences. I suspect maybe your siblings feel hurt and left out.

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