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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my siblings need to step up? I can't cope!

45 replies

LittlePhoebs · 14/03/2023 10:41

My parents were older when they had me and unfortunately both require a lot of help at the same time I am juggling young kids. It's difficult to step up as much as I'm being expected to when some days just juggling school runs and an exclusively breastfed 6 week old is too much! I am one of 5 but my other siblings live further away and don't have kids. There's this attitude that because my parents see me more often, and have helped out with the kids that I owe them the help, my sister even said to my mum well you do so much for that she needs to step up for you guys. I didn't feel like my parents being active grandparents meant I was solely responsible for looking after them? They have also helped me financially bailing me out of a significant amount of debt 8 years ago. Another reason why my siblings feel like I need to take the lead here. But again this help was offered not asked for and never came with the conditions that I need to be the main source of help to them. I feel like there are just far too many people dependent on me and the pressure is suffocating. I love them and don't mind helping but I am struggle with the level and expectation and the attitude from siblings

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/03/2023 12:42

They should definitely step up. However some offspring are really selfish.

Yes. I was definitely not the favoured one and I stepped up.

Skyeheather · 14/03/2023 12:43

Have you looked into whether your parents are entitled to any help - carers, help with cleaning, meals on wheels, adaptions to their home to make life easier. If they are entitled to something they should take it to help ease your load.

summerpoolandsun · 14/03/2023 12:47

Im an only child and it basically sounds like you’re on your own in this situation but with the frustration of knowing they are there but not helping so it’s even worse! I would just say to them you can’t handle it, it should be obvious with a 6 week old baby they need to step in but seems like they are quite content to not bother.
Have they been treated differently as you’ve grown up? Do they resent you? It’s not your fault but it seems like maybe they aren’t bothering because they don’t feel the same level of affection that you have for your parents?

BubziOwl · 14/03/2023 12:52

I don't know about who should do what, but it's surely pretty mental to view your parents being involved grandparents to your sibling's children as favouritism when you literally do not have children of your own. What did your siblings expect your parents to do exactly, OP?!

As for the money issue, did they get any financial help from your parents?

I'm not sure it matters either way, some people just have a very transactional view of family and there's nothing you can say or do to make someone care.

Or alternatively, maybe they would like to help but have constraints/personal issues they're not telling you about.

Either way, you're just one person and you can only do what you can. Your baby needs you - and you need rest and peace too! Decide what is feasible for you to help with and have a frank discussion with your parents about it.

Cassiehopes · 14/03/2023 12:57

I kind of agree with your siblings. My SIL gets loads of help with her children from in-laws, and has been helped financially and supported in a lot of ways that we haven’t. I do feel that this means she ‘owes’ them more in a sense, whereas they haven’t done anything for us so we don’t ‘owe’ them as much as she does.

OurChristmasMiracle · 14/03/2023 13:01

Time for an open discussion - you can only do x amount and if your siblings can’t or won’t step in then a carer will need to be organised

furryfrontbottom · 14/03/2023 13:01

Your siblings do not have to do anything they don't want to do and neither do you.

Viviennemary · 14/03/2023 13:07

If your parents helped you out I don't think it's unreasonabke tomexpect you to step up when necessary. However, your other siblings should help out too. I think its time outside help is brought in. Will your parents get an allowance for this.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/03/2023 13:08

Wonder how many of the you're the favourite you do it brigade will be there sniffing around for their inheritance.

diddl · 14/03/2023 13:22

Who is expecting you to step up?

Well whoever it is you still don't have to!

Sounds as if you have started helping & fallen into the trap of doing more & more to the detriment of yourself & your family.

It's Ok to get to a point & take on no more than that.

How far away are your siblings?

Do they visit much?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 14/03/2023 13:25

This is hard op. I'm struggling to see why it's your responsibility because you got the financial help and childcare when you needed it. My dm prioritised helping my dsis, but they don't mean I would let my dsis struggle under the strain, or neglect my dps. If you are alone in this then you need to be contacting ss to see what help you can arrange for your dps. Your priority is to look after your dc.

blebbleb · 14/03/2023 13:33

You need to set boundaries with your parents if you aren't able to do it all. It's up to your siblings how much involvement they have with your parents care. I don't claim to know your family dynamic but perhaps they didn't get as much help as you and feel bitter about it.

blebbleb · 14/03/2023 13:34

I'm not saying it's justified that they expect you to do it all. You can't with a young family.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 14/03/2023 13:36

@sweeneytoddsrazorAbsolutely. The last at the bedside is always first in line for the will reading.

TartanAndTweed · 14/03/2023 13:59

Cassiehopes · 14/03/2023 12:57

Such a shame your love is transactional.

Original poster

LittlePhoebs · 14/03/2023 14:00

We were all treated the same growing up they just all live in/just outside of London and earn very high salaries and I live closer to where we grew up/our parents and work part time with young kids. I earn £50k less than my worst paid sibling, over £100k less than the best paid so it's not comparable. No one else has kids. I'm sure if they did my parents would of been the same with their grandkids. If any of them has needed financial support my parents would of been there, but they all have more money than my parents to start with. It is an expectation my sister made a point about how she was 'filling in for me' when she helped out after I'd had my c-section and it's made very clear the expectations are on me. If I ever don't help mum will usually complain to my siblings who then ask why I couldn't be there etc.

OP posts:

headingtosun · 14/03/2023 14:08

I wonder if the issue is that having helped you more than your siblings your parents feel that you owe them this support now?

It sounds as though you need to change the expectations that both your parents and siblings have of you.

It was in the past traditional that the youngest dd looked after parents. I wonder if by staying close, having dc and earning less you have accidentally fallen into this stereotype.

On a side note your siblings won't always have had more money than your parents, so it sounds as though they may have received less support than you over everyone's lifetime?

diddl · 14/03/2023 14:24

It is an expectation my sister made a point about how she was 'filling in for me' when she helped out after I'd had my c-section and it's made very clear the expectations are on me. If I ever don't help mum will usually complain to my siblings who then ask why I couldn't be there etc.

Oh dear.

Your family don't sound very nice.

Ihadenough22 · 14/03/2023 14:37

I can understand how you feel. You have asked your siblings for help with your parents and they don't want to help for any number of reasons. They also felt well you had your parents help financially and they helped you with your children. Then with you living closer to them it easier for you to be their to do things.
You need to decide what you are able to do now and tell your parents that you can no longer do X or y because you have a newborn and a small child. Then you look into things that will help your parents going forward.

The reality is that both your parents and siblings need to realise that you can't be left to do it all now.
You need send a message to all your siblings and ask what suggestions they could make or what they propose to do now that your parents need extra help?
I would also tell your siblings that with a newborn and another child that your not in a position to drop all to help/mind your parents for the foreseeable future.
You need to find out are your parents getting all they are entitled to benefits wise and see what support is available locally. Can your parents use a tablet and the internet? This can enable them to facetime, shop online and say order a food shop from Tesco as an example.

I would also say to your siblings that it will be better for all of you long term if you can support your parents to stay living at home for as long as possible and remind them that nursing homes cost a lot of money. My feeling is that your siblings might like an inheritance down the line and that it might benefit them to help out a bit now.

I would look on the elderly parents section on Mumsnet and into the cockroach cafe section as it has a lot of people caring for elderly parents. They have experience in what works, benefits ect and can answer questions for you.

toomuchlaundry · 14/03/2023 14:41

How old are your parents and what help do they need?

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