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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel trapped by breastfeeding

30 replies

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:12

DS is almost 21 months and I had intended on stopping at the end of the month, however, when we go through a tricky patch, nothing else helps apart from BF.

For example, I managed to get into a situation where I was only feeding first thing and last thing, and he would get himself to sleep for his nap and at bedtime. I managed to night wean too. However over the last 10 days we went away for a few nights (with DS too) and he’s had a nasty cold. During this time I’ve gone back to feeding to sleep for his nap and bedtime, and through the night too. He’s also started refusing his nap at home, so unless he has it in the car, or I give in and feed him at home, he doesn’t nap.

if I stop, how will we cope during things like sickness, travelling and overtiredness? He’s not a good sleeper, and with any of this thrown in the mix things are ten times more difficult, and I’ve always had BF to fall back on. He hasn’t taken to a comforter, won’t take a bottle, won’t be cuddled to sleep. In fact when he’s wound up the last thing he wants is to be cuddled. He actively pushes my hands away if I try and pick him up or stoke his hair etc and screams even harder.

is it cruel to stop BF him when there’s no other source of comfort?! I feel trapped but I’m ready to stop now. BF is amazing, but in a way I feel like it stops you/them finding other ways to help soothe them 😖

OP posts:
PhukOph · 13/03/2023 21:22

I would definitely stop in this situation. You're ready, you need to think of yourself. Baby will adjust.

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:24

@PhukOph part of the reason I want to move on is because he sometimes hits and pulls my hair while feeding, that and the added pressure on me every time he’s poorly or we go away anywhere just feels a bit too much now 😢

OP posts:
PhukOph · 13/03/2023 21:25

Definitely stop! Don't feel guilty about it. You've done it for 21 months, stop as you are ready 💕

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:28

@PhukOph thanks, I’m just worried it’s cruel seeing as he doesn’t settle down any other way when poorly etc. I guess we might have a few tricky nights until we figure out how to cope without!

OP posts:
PhukOph · 13/03/2023 21:30

Yeah he will adjust! Otherwise you could go on saying that for years! Don't guilt trip yourself over it. You're doing a great job

Coffeellama · 13/03/2023 21:30

He will find other comforts for when he’s ill OP, everyone does. You can’t breastfeed him forever so this will have to happen at some point anyway so dragging it out won’t help either of
you.

Botw1 · 13/03/2023 21:31

You need to find other, better ways to help him settle himself

You need to stop eventually so might as well do it now.

Lcb123 · 13/03/2023 21:32

please don’t feel guilty if you feel it’s the right time to stop. Children have to learn other coping mechanisms- sooner the better

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:35

@PhukOph that’s very true x

@Coffeellama good point!

@Botw1 well this is what I’ve been hoping to do, but so far nothing else helps. I was hoping to figure something out before I stop, like get him attached to a comforter, but he’s never taken to anything.

@Lcb123 thank you x

OP posts:
Botw1 · 13/03/2023 21:36

@MintGreenLife

Well, no.

Because you keep giving in and he knows you will so why would he while bf is still an option?

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:39

@Botw1 hmm that’s true. Guess I will have to just bite the bullet and hope it’s not too upsetting for everyone!

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 13/03/2023 21:39

I think you need to stop. It sounds like you are coming to resent it. I was in a similar situation with ds2 at almost exactly the same age. I didn't plan on bf for so long - I'd weaned ds1 at about 14 months without an issue. But ds2 was a horrendous sleeper and it was often the only thing that would settle him. I stopped breastfeeding and whilst he didn't object as much as I thought he would, it didn't help him sleep better unfortunately! That took a bit longer. I'm still glad I stopped when I did though. The sleep did gradually get better as he got older.

MsRosewater · 13/03/2023 21:39

I get you ! I did ' extended'/ natural term BFF with DD until my supply ended and there was no alternative. It can be amazing to have a( pair of) magic fixer / comforter. I also worried I'd be a bit more redundant if she no longer needed BF.

I'd personally pick better time to stop when no one is sick or stressed and wind down to it but talk about it/acknowledge the change and remember 21 months is a really long time, something to be proud of and that you will likely have formed a very robust attachment which is a foundation for DC coping with , well, lot's including this change

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:46

@cadburyegg yes I am you’re right, which I feel so sad about as I fought so hard to make it work in the first place. I want to stop before I start to feel even worse about it. I never intended to carry on this long but I just have, and now I feel like it’s time to move on. Mine isn’t a good sleeper either. I sleep in his room on a mattress on the floor, as I find if I can quickly shh him or stroke his hair (things that don’t work once he’s really crying) then he will go back to sleep without a feed, but he still wakes 2-5 times a night.

OP posts:
Bluebellsand · 13/03/2023 21:48

I told my dc, when the time came to stop bf, let's hug instead. Hugging is good, the breast is yucky.
Everytime, he asked for bf, I gave him a big hug (well said in a loud happy voice, big hug! As well as physically hugging him for longer). He didn't like it first couple of days, then he started to ask for a big hug. So I smiled and said big hug! Then hugged him and held him longer than usual. I think big hug thing lasted a month. He still randomly asks for hugs which I'm willing to give.

MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:48

@MsRosewater i will definitely wait until he’s feeling better, but the sheer amount of I’ve been having to feed him while he’s poorly has made me realise I don’t want to keep going after this. It’s been a really crutch for us and I’m afraid of how we will cope when we stop! Thanks for your kind words though x

OP posts:
MintGreenLife · 13/03/2023 21:50

@Bluebellsand this is a good idea ☺️ do you mind me asking how you coped with getting him to go to sleep if he was poorly over overtired? Did a cuddle work? I would love it if he would just settle for a cuddle to go to sleep when not feeling great! But right now it appears to be the last thing he wants.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 13/03/2023 21:50

2 to 5 times a night at nearly 2 is ridiculous

Time to stop bf and sleep train

biscuitcat · 13/03/2023 21:56

Breastfeeding is a relationship, which means it needs to work for both of you! It sounds like it doesn't for you any more, so don't feel at all guilty about stopping - 21 months is amazing! Sadly no tips for stopping - my son self weaned at 16 months when I was pregnant (so the relationship stopped working for him - I was sad about it but it was also for the best overall), but some of the ideas sound really promising. Good luck!

DarkShade · 13/03/2023 22:25

Go cold turkey! I was in your exact same situation, similar aged child. At that age I actually just explained to him that it was for babies and he was big now so we wouldn't have it anymore. Then distracted him.

Honestly at the time it felt impossible but it's so much better when they find other ways of comfort, ways that you can enjoy as well. Things like cuddles or hair stroking for mine, I loved it, made me feel like a mum rather than a source of food.

ChellyT · 13/03/2023 22:37

You have done an amazing job, whether BF or bottle it's hard to wean a little one off specially when they find comfort in it.

If you're ready, you need to do what is right for at the moment. Your little one will adapt, it always seems hard at first and it probably will be but you've got this.

Look after yourself

Viviennemary · 13/03/2023 22:45

He is nearly two, There is absolutely no need to keep on breastfeeding when you are finding it a struggle. Some good suggestions for stopping.

Bluebellsand · 14/03/2023 08:01

Cuddling and making a big deal out of it worked for ds3. But for full transparency, when I was stopping, I was gradually weaning him off for two weeks, but then he got sick. I stopped weaning him off the breast because he wanted it and he made my supply increas again.

Then a month or two later I tried again and it worked. He didn't get sick this time, until two/ three months later, when cuddling instead of breastfeeding was established.

I wouldn't recommend what I did with ds2 when I took him to dm house and left him there for five days. Because he used to ask for breast and get very upset if I said no to breast. No gentle way worked. So I took him dm, which he loved. But it was hard emotionally for me. I don't care if people call me over dramatic. He didn't seem hurt by the experience , but it was hard for me emotionally. However, he was two years old and that was the limit I set for myself.

Ds1 lost interest himself, he was getting one bottle of milk a day from the start. I felt like he didn't care that much about it. Unlike his brothers. He didn't even ask for breastfeeding after I decided to stop feeding him.

Squamata · 14/03/2023 08:06

That sounds hard op. Don't fall into thinking he'll never sleep again without breastfeeding!

Do you have a partner who could settle him at night so milk doesn't come into the equation?

With dd, I found it easier to drop slowly so we only fed after breakfast, lunch and dinner and if she asked I'd say wait til then. Then I dropped the lunch one, then breakfast then dinner. Your supply drops off along the way.

A sudden stop might be tougher and more likely to result in blocked ducts etc.

PurBal · 14/03/2023 08:07

DS didn’t get attached to a comforter until after I stopped breastfeeding. I’d introduced it at about 6 months but he showed no interest in it until I stopped feeding him. He also wasn’t bothered by cuddling until after he was weaned.

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