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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my child is going to be asked to leave his preschool

37 replies

AssistanceRequiredPlease · 13/03/2023 21:04

Absolutely terrified my recently turned 3 year old is about to get chucked out of his preschool. He’s only been there a few weeks and has had a hard time settling in - lots of crying at dropoff and at pickup as well (transition issues?), but staff report he quickly settles down and has a good time while there/behaviour hasn’t been an issue. Dropoff and pickup has been less painful, was feeling optimistic he was beginning to settle in. Picked him up today to be told he has been aggressive to several children including throwing a block at one child and hurting them so badly they had to go home. Apparently there was no trigger for any of this. I’ve recently returned to work hence him starting preschool and has been a SAHM who is with him literally the entire time before this and I have genuinely never once either seen him or heard of him behaving in an aggressive way to other children including his older sister before. If anything he is super friendly, always wants to say hello to other kids and I have actually witnessed him being
pushed around a few times and he hasn’t retaliated if pushed back at all.
we have had concerns that he has shown some signs of high functioning asd/adhd which he is awaiting referral for and the preschool are aware of this.
his expressive language isn’t great so he is unable to tell us what happened when we asked him, as in we said “you mustn’t hit people or throw things at people” and he repeats back to us “not hit people”
his preschool teacher seemed really pissed off when I picked him up and said she cannot allow behaviour like that in the setting to protect the other children and that they are wary of him now. She said she would be speaking with her manager about how to manage this.
i am so worried he is about to get “expelled”
and what this means for him; having to try and settle him into another new preschool potentially as well as what on earth I do about my brand new job in the meantime - I have no family to help look after him should he not be able to go to preschool so I could potentially not be able to continue with my new job that I really, really need.
Has anyone had experience of anything similar happening? Does it sound like he is going to be asked to leave? I’m so worried about him in general with these potential additional needs and I was hoping he was beginning to feel better about going to preschool and maybe even enjoying it there and then today this has happened and I don’t know what to think.

OP posts:

coverp · 13/03/2023 21:13

How stressful for you. At just turned 3, I would class throwing blocks / hitting / biting etc. As still firmly within the realms of normal, particularly when settling into a new environment. Pre-school need to be working with you and DS on how to manage and improve the issue. My DS was on the receiving end of similar behaviour at the start of the year and whilst I found it very difficult as his parent, I also recognised that it wasn't the other child's fault. Pre-school handled it well and the little girl has now settled and is like a totally different child.

Blondebalayage · 13/03/2023 21:16

Nursery / preschool environments are difficult to manage for a lot of children: they can enjoy them and get a lot out of them but I know my DS became fiercely protective over toys after nursery. I saw why when he changed nursery (due to a house move) and I did a settling in session with him, and it is a bit toddler lord of the flies in there - you have to hang onto your toys or they’ll just get taken!

In all honesty it doesn’t sound like a great preschool.

Yea · 13/03/2023 21:16

They sound really unsupportive, especially given this was the first occasion of him acting like this. Early Years teachers are supposed to work with the child and parents to get to the bottom of the behaviour and work out a plan to tackle it. He could have just been having an off-day too! She definitely hasn’t handled this well.

MissingMoominMamma · 13/03/2023 21:18

Get him out of there and look for a more supported environment for him.

I speak from bitter experience.

Switchwitch · 13/03/2023 21:21

My DS is 3, he has been hit with bricks many a time and although it's harsh on him I wouldn't want the perpetrator 'expelled' at this age. Most problems are down to communication and language which will come on leaps and bounds in a nursery setting. In a month or two these issues will have ironed out.

My main tip would be to make drop off very very quick.

Brunts12 · 13/03/2023 21:24

I would be more concerned about teacher’s reaction, she sounds unsupportive. Speak to the manager and see what they say. However, I’d start looking for alternative nursery, somewhere where they understand toddlers’ emotional development.

Original poster

AssistanceRequiredPlease · 13/03/2023 21:27

Thanks for your replies I really appreciate them. Dropoff I’ve always been mindful of making it as painless as possible ie big cuddle love you and mummy will be back really soon, and as mentioned although the first couple of weeks were a bit traumatic for him/me, for the last week he has been much better at both dropoff and pick-up with little to no crying.
Totally get that the staff have a duty to keep everyone happy and safe but I know him and he isn’t a spiteful child. He really isn’t, that’s not me being one of those parents who doesn’t believe their child is anything other than angelic.
worried if he stays there then the staff have a downer on him and the other children are apparently wary of him 🥺 and if I try and settle him somewhere else he will be totally confused and it will be even harder to get him to feel secure if he’s suddenly plucked out of the place he is just getting to know and put basically wherever else has space so I can carry on working.

OP posts:

Climbles · 13/03/2023 21:42

Find him a childminder. It’s likely that he was just overloaded but it seems wrong to keep him in an environment that is causing so much distress that he is lashing out.

WorldAtOne · 13/03/2023 21:48

Sounds like a poor environment. For the teacher to actively display they were pissed off by the actions of a 3 year old would be huge red flags. I’d be moving somewhere else ASAP.

My son hated preschool settings, a caring childminder changed everything for him. He’s so settled now.

Radiodread · 13/03/2023 21:51

Is this attached to a state school?

Either way they sound awful, the staff. How unprofessional. Some kids have additional needs or potential additional.needs. it's just a given and they should be well versed.

Biting, pushing, scratching, hitting, and throwing are all totally within the realms of typical behaviour at his age.

winterchills · 13/03/2023 21:55

I get why they would be concerned but i do not think they acted the right way! Hes 3!! They should be trying to encourage and teach him right from wrong.

Original poster

AssistanceRequiredPlease · 13/03/2023 22:08

I totally get that hitting/kicking/throwing things isn’t behaviour to be praised at all, but this can’t be the first time they’ve seen this? I feel upset and confused as to why they are so angry with my son for whatever it is he’s been getting upto today. I didn’t like how she said the other children are wary of him. It’s like she was as talking about him like he’s a monster.

OP posts:

HungryandIknowit · 13/03/2023 22:19

Brunts12 · 13/03/2023 21:24

I agree with this. The impression I get from my child is that nursery is a constant stream of pushing / snatching / hitting / hugging, as well as the occasional bite. My child has been on the receiving end of a bite but was totally unfazed by it. Kids don't attach much emotion or dwell on this behaviour too much, so the worker's reaction seems very strange.

ittakes2 · 13/03/2023 22:27

I am a bit confused - I know from personal experience that children don't get referred for asd/adhd assessment at the age of 2 or 3 unless they have very obvious significant traits - what traits do you think he has? I am wondering if there is something missing from your OP about his behaviour.

JennyDarlingRIP · 13/03/2023 22:28

So there's been one day of this behaviour and this is their reaction? I agree this is a nursery/individual worker issue, rather than your son . Of course the behaviour isn't ideal but it happens.
When I picked DS up a few weeks ago I was told he was bitten by another child, DS said he didn't bite me mummy he didn't use his teeth , it was like my arm being cuddled by a big slug 🤦‍♂️ , he then pointed at the child who did it said it was him! Laughed, Ran over and hugged him.
DS goes to a really lovely nursery, who I have every faith in to deal with all kinds of behaviours, they would never make me or DS feel judged like that. There are also aware there could be underlying sen issues. The reaction is inappropriate

Original poster

AssistanceRequiredPlease · 13/03/2023 22:33

Reasons for referral - echolalia, impulsive behaviour/lack of danger awareness, overly affectionate with strangers, lining toys up repeatedly (although this has now largely stopped)
no aggressive behaviours at all.
What do you think my approach should be with the preschool going forward? To express disappointment at their reaction?

OP posts:

MrsALambert · 13/03/2023 22:34

When my DS was at nursery/pre-school he used to slap the other children around the face if they got too close to him. Mortifying as a parent to be told this but nursery and I worked together on supporting him with this. He is also on the ASD pathway. Nursery staff never once showed they were angry about his behaviour, it was all about looking for solutions and how to move forward. Sounds like the nursery is wrong not your child. Yes behaviour needs to be addressed, but not through anger.

MrsALambert · 13/03/2023 22:35

Oh and he stopped the slapping after a couple of months. He just didn't have the language and when children appeared close to him without warning he would hit out.

yellowtwo · 13/03/2023 22:36

The reaction of the preschool teacher was OTT. He's 3, I'm sure the other children aren't wary of him, especially as this was the first incident. Can you talk to the pre school manager, or send an email. I think you'd be better off looking for somewhere else though.
Most kids cry for the first few weeks starting preschool/nursery, it's just one of those things that will pass.

Viviennemary · 13/03/2023 22:40

They sound hopeless. I would find another nursery. They don't seem willing to even try and sort this out.

Grimbelina · 13/03/2023 22:40

Whether your DS is ND or there is something going on, perhaps some delays, clearly that nursery - and perhaps any nursery - is too much for him. This could also explain why you never saw these behaviours before - because he hadn't been overwhelmed.

I would definitely be reconsidering this nursery (as they don't seem to want to help) and in fact any nursery and would be actively looking for a sympathetic nanny or child-minder as a home setting would probably be much better for him.

TwilightSilhouette · 13/03/2023 22:40

I suspect the pre-school leader may have just had a difficult conversation with the parent of the injured child which is why she may have appeared stressed/upset with you. The other parent may have been angry towards staff and wanting to know how they would keep their own child safe.
It’s a difficult situation OP but your child won’t be asked to leave. These things are impossible to prevent as you can’t predict them. You sound as though you are doing everything you can, as I am sure are the staff.

Bunchamunchacarrots · 13/03/2023 22:41

ittakes2 · 13/03/2023 22:27

That's not true at all and it's not helpful to make such sweeping statements.

Mine has been referred at 3 and is very high functioning/ able to mask. I was able to spot the signs early as we have family history of autism so I am very informed and we had a great health visitor that took my concerns seriously.

Bunchamunchacarrots · 13/03/2023 22:48

I feel for you OP. I agree with others that the preschool does not sound a great environment - was there really no trigger or were the staff not paying enough attention/ overstretched and didn't notice.

I pulled pulled my autistic DD from preschool after things like the room leader expressing annoyance at the amount of accidents she was having and asking me to 'have a talk' with DD - who was 3 and has a history of bowel and bladder issues.

Do you have an autistic parents FB group for your city? Is a good place to ask for recommendations for childcare.

dwArty · 13/03/2023 22:50

Lots of people here saying take him out but I wouldn't jump that quickly. If I understand correctly this was one teacher who seemed irritated and made these comments. She's also not the manager right? It's not ok and you can complain about her but give her the benefit of the doubt once as it's a very stressful job and you might have caught her at themed of a very rough day. If your child is happy then the next steps are to work out a plan with his key person and the manager. I would also read up on their behaviour policy quick as well as any SEN policies they have. You'll want to make sure they're following procedure.
Has he been back since this happened? I would ask his key person or the manager if they feel a meeting is needed.

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