To ask for a list of instructions, please?

[AppelationStation]

Sorry. Its long.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of losing the plot. I've had low rumbling mental health issues most of my life, so I know how this goes. On two or three occasions, prompted by traumatic life events, they've reared their head and really scuppered me. No traumatic events to report, but things are slipping. I need to pull this back now before I sink.

I've been in my job 10 months. I love it, I've had a big promotion and two substantial pay rises. It's going very well, but it is stressful and A LOT of responsibility without much support.

I have a sweet, affectionate and hilarious 7yr old DS, who I adore. I have a lovely, kind, gentle, loving husband. He does a job he really enjoys but doesn't earn much. He's also not at all stressed, which is a godsend. He isn't always forthcoming with communicating about emotional things, but he gets there in the end. The silent but dependable type I guess.

Despite work going well we're just about managing. We've always been mega skint. Since the world went mad my job has meant we've managed to keep up with the rising cost of everything (so hugely lucky) but not had any improvement in quality of life or security. We rent, have crap cars, and generally live quite frugally.

The last couple of weeks work has been insanely busy. I worked 6 days and 50 hrs last week. I'm underslept. I still do most of the housework and cooking (DH does a lot by some people's measures, he's an amazing dad. But we live very rurally, he works outside, and there's no need for neat clothes or to have a boundary between outside and indoors as far as he's concerned). I dash from task to task every day wondering how the hell I'm going to get it all done - email the board, meet this bigwig, walk the dog, write this strategy, do spelling homework, pay the invoices, hang up the laundry, arrange this meeting, make a lasagne - but somehow I usually do.

I am on HRT after an emergency hysterectomy some years ago. I'm on a low dose of an antidepressant that generally agrees with me. Lately I keep forgetting to take both, like I'm wilfully neglecting myself. This is a red flag.

I'm not getting much exercise beyond walking the dog. My weight and body confidence are starting to suffer. My nails are bitten. My hair needs a cut and my shoulders are tense. The house is a tip. I don't have as much time to play with DS as I'd like.

My mum died very suddenly just over a decade ago when I was in my early twenties. This seems to have been on my mind more and more recently. Maybe as I'm approaching 40?

I don't have any family close by and no parents. My siblings are far away and both caught up in their own lives.

I feel like I need someone to sit my down, take my hand, and tell me what to do to pull myself out of this before I crash. I basically need my mum, but there's the rub.

So please, any bullet pointed tips for actual, practical, doable things that will make my life easier and help me feel more in control would be massively appreciated.

I suppose my AIBU is, can everyone else just deal with this? Am I just a flakey twat? Or AIBU to find this hard?

Wow.

You are doing BRILLIANTLY!

on behalf of your mum, may I give you a massive virtual hug? I have no doubt she would be SO proud of you.

here is my list for you
every day, non negotiables. For now.

get up. EVERY DAY Have a shower, cup of tea and your medication. Set an alarm 15 minutes earlier than usual if you need to.

Have an easy but wholesome breakfast. Porridge, a banana, fruit smoothie with oats.

stick a wash on

Take breakfast to your desk if you need to. If it is a crazy day take snacks and a bottle of water to your desk too in case you can’t stop for lunch.

pack in for the day when your DS is in bed. While you are up against it, prioritise some down time before bed - get clothes ready for next day, bath, book in bed if you can. Set alarm. Bed by 9.30pm

Rinse and repeat till Friday

At the weekend, sit down with DH and plan meals for the week. Tell him how you feel and ask which half of the chores he will pick up.

you are doing GREAT.

take your meds x

Oh dear OP, I do feel for you, it really does sound like you have a bit too much on your plate. Do you not have one of those timer things to remind you to take your tablets? If not, I'd highly recommend getting one. Do you perhaps need to see your GP and get your dose checked, maybe if you keep thinking about your Mum, you're a bit more down than normal? I also get the impression that maybe your OH needs to do a bit more around the house. Can you tell him that you're struggling and you need his help? Whatever you do DON'T cut back on walking the dog, if possible try and go further, as not only will this help stop the weight creeping up, but is also good for your mental health. Not sure if any of this will help much, but I do sympathise, as I've been through some of the things you have, ie, lost my Mum, gone through the build up to turning 40, which terrified me, but believe me, you need to get a grip on this one, as 50 and 60 are even worse!! You don't mention how old your DS is, how much of his care does your OH do, is it his fair share? If not, again you need to make sure you tell him that you need him to do more, and if he doesn't know what needs doing, spell it out, I know you shouldn't have to, but so many women seem to expect their men to read their minds, and they really, really can't! Don't know if any of what I've said helps, but just wanted to know that you're not on your own.

@GreenLeavesRustling oh gosh, thank you SO, so much. What you said has made me proper blub. I really needed to hear this.

I just need someone in my corner. And I really miss my mum.

You've been so kind, wise and pragmatic. What a person.

@AppelationStation

I read your post and honestly, if I could reach through the screen and give you a massive high five, I would. Sounds as though you are smashing it, and especially for spotting the red flag of not taking your meds.

I’m really similar to you, I think. Right down to being slapdash with my meds just when I need them most. I also work FT, have a lovely but much more laid back DH, have kids and a really busy life (right down to the dog walks :))

non negotiables and early nights save me.

When you are feeling a bit better, you might take a look at the organised mum method. I only follow it really loosely, but the daily tasks (15 mins) get done so we’re mostly on top of things!

Do you think you could manage the things on the list? Do you need some more specific ideas?

I really struggle with being a full time mum, working full time and looking after a home. You're doing far better than I am. It's not your fault. We're not built for this. Nobody is. You are doing SUCH a good job.

Maybe take some annual leave for self care and remind yourself how well you're doing xxx

OK I'm going to focus on practical ideas.

Stop working weekends & evenings. You need decompression time.

I get stressed & overwhelmed with work (though overall generally like my role well enough). DH rightly tells me that you will NEVER finish you to-do list, so there's no point stressing about that. Pick one or two things to get done today, and call that a win.

Your child needs 15 minutes focussed play attention from you every day. If you do that, you will find they are happier and things like the spelling practise will be a bit easier.

Choose some things to let slide at home. Does not have to be for ever, just for a while. Some ideas would be things like

• have the same meal plan every single week for the next couple of months, so you don't have to think about it much. Make every night a child-friendly night, for ease (a rotation of baked potato, spag bol, pasta & sauce, sausage & wedges, whatever suits you)
• stop gardening
• stop ironing anything (other than your own work shirts if you need them)
• wear the same 3 outfits to work for the next few weeks
• do the sheets once a month instead of once a week

Get a solid evening/bedtime routine going for yourself, and make it routine & unexciting so it leads in to decent sleep

• drink water
• take dog out for wee
• brush teeth
• put out clothes for next day
• read chapter of book
• put radio/podcast on for 30 mins and turn off light

I would say get DH to pick up more at home, but only if you can do this without having the bother of giving him every bit of instruction to do it. If he's going to play incompetence, just ignore him. Pick your easiest wins. Can you tell him that he is now in charge of morning dog walk, all laundry, school drop offs mon/wed/Fri?

When you are out with the dog (or not with the dog!) take a few moments to really look about you, feel the weather, notice the turn in seasons. A little dose of nature is very restorative.

And also - take a berocca (or the lidl own-brand version) every day. I swear this helps!

Ah yes, Berocca or similar is a brilliant tip! I put one in my water bottle when I fill it up in the morning.

@Daftasyoulike thank you, that really is helpful.

I have got too much on that's the truth. Maybe speaking to the GP isn't a bad idea. We're currently doing investigations for bowel cancer / IBS / IBD so I feel a bit stupid going back again. But perhaps it's all psychological?

DH does loads, but it tends to be what he thinks is important. Eg. He'll put a wash on and then go outside and pull some weeds / sow some peas. Meanwhile there's yesterday's laundry not put away, cobwebs you could swing on in the corner and no clean school uniform in the washing machine.

I think I'm just having a wo ble and want someone else to come and be the adult for a bit. Don't we all.

Sounds tough. I'm sure your mum would be super proud of everything you've achieved.

I'd choose one thing at a time to change. Like promise yourself that this week will be haircut week - and make it happen. Bit by bit you'll feel better as you are achieving things.

Make a big list on the fridge of all things that need doing. It's for everyone - not just you. Encourage everyone to work on it and choose something to do to contribute every day. Hopefully this will take some of the pressure off you.

Start saying no to some things, or making someone else do it.

Prioritise self care. Set an alarm for your meds. Make appointments and keep them. Go to bed early. Exercise if you can. Keep walking the dog!

Don't forget many others are performing similar juggling acts - you are not alone. Maybe let some things slide to see what happens? It may not be as terrible as you think - or someone may step in and relieve you of the burden! Good luck x

be really gentle with yourself, but not on the non negotiables.

shower
meds
breakfast
15 mins to keep the house liveable
early night
mindful dogwalk

when you are feeling a bit better, you can add more things again

would it be useful to stay on the thread and keep us posted on how you are doing? Happy to be a listening ear.

and on that note, it is time I put my phone away for the night. I’ll come back tomorrow in case you want someone to boss you about 😉

sleep well!

@brawhen and @GreenLeavesRustling , I bloody love you guys.

I don't know of the organised mum method, but I feel like I need this in my life! I'll have a look.

These are all such sensible suggestions. Why am I sitting in the bath watching MAFS on the tablet and not doing anything useful OR getting an early night? So stupid.

😁 I'm sitting here mumsnetting when I should be sorting myself out. But you've just made me feel better about myself too!

Just got my lidl-berocca, heading for the bed routine now...

You’ve already had some really lovely messages and some solid advice here. To your last post, you’re not stupid. It’s hard to start when you’re overwhelmed.

three things from me:

1. be helpful to future you. Example: do what you can the night before to make tomorrow easier. 11pm 15 mins in kitchen to clean up, throw together overnight oats, kettle filled, cup out of tea makes morning so much easier and you’re starting off day with a good breakfast

2. doing half a job is better than no job. Eg washing basket getting full and you’re busy - just throw in stuff that you then immediately throw in dryer. Do the stuff that needs hanging etc on another day. It won’t feel so overwhelming and three loads deep which will make you put it off further

3. work wise, put no more than 5 things on your to do list every day. Some days you’ll do 5, some you’ll end up doing 10, other days you’ll do 2 but it feels better to start the Day with a manageable amount

youre doing great and a few tweaks that make you feel more in control will end up being like stepping stones that get you back on top

You’ve had some wonderful advice already and kind words, which it sounds like you fully deserve.

Thr thing that really helped me feel back in control was keeping a bullet journal. Not the beautiful, illustrated things you see on social media - but a systematised way of getting info out of my brain and stored on paper, so I’m no longer trying to remember “I need to review this paper and we’re running out of butter and I need to ask Bob to check on the finances and the skirting board needs to be fixed.”

I also like having fixed themes for meals every night, so Monday is always jacket potato night, Tuesday always Indian, Weds pasta night etc. The specifics can change but knowing what comings helps with choice and planning.

In terms of work, what can you delegate? Do you have staff that can start doing more stuff to support what needs doing?

Sleep sleep sleep
Meds
Water
Decent food

Focus on that above all else. Once you've got those sorted, you'll have the energy to deal with everything else.

@AlisonDonut We don't have any staff. I am the only paid member of staff in a charity start up. I am managed by a group of 11 trustees.

We're about to advertise three vacancies. They're in fields notoriously hard to recruit to. Our areas of work are domestic abuse and housing. So, it really matters (and I really, passionately, care about it). But at the moment, every single thing that needs to be done is done by me.

I've just been reminded that DH is going out tomorrow straight after work, staying with his mates in a bothy and walking up a mountain on Wednesday. We're going away this weekend, and DHs recently separated brother and his two (frankly rude and hard work) children are coming.

There's just no let up. I'm on all the time.

Single mum, survivor of domestic abuse here. Thank you for all that you do. Could you ditch your children's homework and hire a tutor for a few months?

My advice is give your trustees a hard dose of reality. You can't work yourself into the ground, if they push too hard it will collapse.
Staffing capacity & resource is a risk they need to manage, you're not doing the charity any favours in the long run by pretending this level of work is sustainable. You're masking future issues.
So, set clear boundaries & realistic goals and create a sustainable work-life balance, for the sake of you AND the charity.

Nope.

don’t go away this weekend.

let DH take the strain with his brother.

recover a bit.

can you do that?

I cant not go. Some other family will be there too. They booked and paid for it as a bit of a treat for us because I've been stressed with work etc. Then DHs brother (who is otherwise lovely but a bit of a selfish, messy pain in the bum) split up with his wife so they invited him too. His children argue and strop ALL the time (and their parents have just split up so, bless them, they're having a rough time of it and will probably be worse). They can be quite mean to DS.

We're all squeezing into a tiny lodge in the Lake District. It's going to rain all weekend. I'm dreading it.

If you have 11 trustees and can't cope with the work then they may need to pick some up.

This is unsustainable.

They've been doing a lot more recently. They're not a bad bunch. They also decided last week to bid for a big government tender. Hence the workload.

Fellow mum-less person here and I know what you mean. You’ve got all the good advice above.
I’m here to add: focus on the jobs that make tomorrow easier ie. Keep on top of school uniform washing and always lay everything out night before no matter how tired (down to pants and socks).
Do 10min HIIT class from YouTube first thing (Joe wicks or something) - the endorphins will be amazing and it’s 10min out of 24hrs. Just do it. Pick one the night before and save the link to you phone notes and just click it in the morning.
Cut screen time. I know it feels like blissful chewing gum for your brain when it is fried from a day of multitasking but I find the days I’ve spent on mumsnet idling away I actually begin to feel really low. I got disciplined and read loads of books instead of screentime recently and it was so much better but have slipped back.

I will also be taking my own advice. good luck! DMs open for moans at any time!

15 min first thing: shower, get dressed, meds, moisturise, make up of you’re wearing any, breakfast. THEN wake the house up, this is the time for yourself.
15 min house stuff afterwards: washing on, dishes in dishwasher, quick tidy.

15min after dinner: put dishwasher on, tumble dry the morning’s load, quick tidy, school bags by the door, uniform laid out, bleach the loo, wipe the sink.
15min for yourself: shower, moisturise, check your diary, lay out your own clothes for the morning.

Thursday is your on line shop delivery/click and collect.
Friday is fish and chips or freezer stuff (burgers and chips, chicken nuggets, whatever, you don’t cook). Put that week’s uniform in the wash, uniform and nothing else.

Saturday morning you all clean. Tidy first, dust, then hoover. Don’t try and make it perfect in one go. Roughly will do. Literally, a few minutes, don’t go pulling beds. Even if you have to swipe the entire contents of your bedside table in the first drawer.
Saturday evening have a hot bath, put a hair mask on, a face mask etc (add those to your online shop, along with Epsom salts), soak for a bit, when you come out, moisturise and while that sinks in, quickly clean the bath tub and the shower.

Sunday you do nothing. Husband can make a roast, or whatever, you don’t cook or clean or garden. Spend your time with your son, draw, go for a swim, watch a movie with popcorn.

If your son takes lunch to school, get one of those plastic containers for the fridge and on Thursdays when your delivery comes, put 10 smoothies, 10 oranges, 10 baby bells, 10 baby tomatoes (or whatever he has, you get the idea, you need the bulk of his lunch boxes all in one place ready to throw in. Mine had a thing about pasta pesto, I would make a batch and had these little containers I would decant enough for the next 3 days).

The bedding gets changed and washed on Sunday night. You don’t want sheets hanging around the house the whole weekend.

Cooking, you’re responsible for the online shop (your DH can add to it), and the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday meals. Your DH sorts out the Thursday (has to be cooked, you need lunch the following day), shoves stuff in the oven on Friday and does the Sunday roast/meal.
Saturday you can all cook. Pizza, or tacos, or a stir fry. Make it ‘special’, but not complex (sod making a lasagna for instance, it’s time consuming). In my house Saturday was ‘sweets day’, I would decant revels, maltesers, ice gems etc into bowls after dinner, and leave them to it while I had a bath/did my nails etc.

That’s your framework, if you want. HTH