To ask for a list of instructions, please?

[AppelationStation]

Sorry. Its long.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of losing the plot. I've had low rumbling mental health issues most of my life, so I know how this goes. On two or three occasions, prompted by traumatic life events, they've reared their head and really scuppered me. No traumatic events to report, but things are slipping. I need to pull this back now before I sink.

I've been in my job 10 months. I love it, I've had a big promotion and two substantial pay rises. It's going very well, but it is stressful and A LOT of responsibility without much support.

I have a sweet, affectionate and hilarious 7yr old DS, who I adore. I have a lovely, kind, gentle, loving husband. He does a job he really enjoys but doesn't earn much. He's also not at all stressed, which is a godsend. He isn't always forthcoming with communicating about emotional things, but he gets there in the end. The silent but dependable type I guess.

Despite work going well we're just about managing. We've always been mega skint. Since the world went mad my job has meant we've managed to keep up with the rising cost of everything (so hugely lucky) but not had any improvement in quality of life or security. We rent, have crap cars, and generally live quite frugally.

The last couple of weeks work has been insanely busy. I worked 6 days and 50 hrs last week. I'm underslept. I still do most of the housework and cooking (DH does a lot by some people's measures, he's an amazing dad. But we live very rurally, he works outside, and there's no need for neat clothes or to have a boundary between outside and indoors as far as he's concerned). I dash from task to task every day wondering how the hell I'm going to get it all done - email the board, meet this bigwig, walk the dog, write this strategy, do spelling homework, pay the invoices, hang up the laundry, arrange this meeting, make a lasagne - but somehow I usually do.

I am on HRT after an emergency hysterectomy some years ago. I'm on a low dose of an antidepressant that generally agrees with me. Lately I keep forgetting to take both, like I'm wilfully neglecting myself. This is a red flag.

I'm not getting much exercise beyond walking the dog. My weight and body confidence are starting to suffer. My nails are bitten. My hair needs a cut and my shoulders are tense. The house is a tip. I don't have as much time to play with DS as I'd like.

My mum died very suddenly just over a decade ago when I was in my early twenties. This seems to have been on my mind more and more recently. Maybe as I'm approaching 40?

I don't have any family close by and no parents. My siblings are far away and both caught up in their own lives.

I feel like I need someone to sit my down, take my hand, and tell me what to do to pull myself out of this before I crash. I basically need my mum, but there's the rub.

So please, any bullet pointed tips for actual, practical, doable things that will make my life easier and help me feel more in control would be massively appreciated.

I suppose my AIBU is, can everyone else just deal with this? Am I just a flakey twat? Or AIBU to find this hard?

This is fantastic advice and I can't improve on it. Can i also suggest that there are tons of books and websites that will be useful to you.

• The book Why Has Nobody Ever Told Me This Before keeps coming up for me and is meant to be brilliant. I'm about to start it. I also recommend Matt Haig's The Comfort Book and Notes on a Nervous Planet. I find poetry really helpful too, especially Mary Oliver.

• I highly recommend the website Action for Happiness which has a free ten day online happiness coaching (I'm on day 6), tons of podcasts, and a daily suggestion for action.

Good luck OP. You're doing fantastically. Keep going 💐

Don't go away for the weekend with everyone - fake an illness if necessary

i
Send DH and DS. Have a reset catch up with yourself weekend and reflect on all the advice here

Take care of yourself

@AppelationStation

How did you get on today?

@GreenLeavesRustling you are bloody brilliant. Your friends are lucky to have you.

Last night was a bit of a write off. Had a massive cry, a big whisky and watched some tosh. I've let myself off.

DH has gone away today and I have a stupidly long day at work tomorrow. So, I bought myself some nice coffee to have with my breakfast, a candle and a face pack, some bath stuff. The dog's not had an evening walk but she'll live. I've taken DS out for tea (one less thing to do) and just put him to bed in our bed (treat when daddy is away). I'm going to sink into a bath with a book and a big glass of water, then go to bed by half nine and snuggle him.

I did speak to my manager today and say I needed to take some TOIL back, and need a rest before I burn out. I'm still going away for the weekend (can't get out of that one) but I have Thursday and Friday off too so can have some time to myself. DH is also off so he can sort little one, cooking and house work so it's tidy when we get home. I won't be frazzled when I get to the lakes at least, and I've promised myself not to say yes to things I don't really want to do when I'm there just to please everyone else.

Tomorrow is going to be a mission with dog walks and school run single handed. MIL is picking DS up and I'm at work 9-9 (lots to do and evening board meeting).

Everyone's advice has been so helpful. A bit of me knows I am partly responsible le for this muddle and I need to grow up, make better decisions for myself, stop being a people pleaser and parwnt myself. Sometimes you just need kindness and wisdom from others to get you over the hump. ❤

I hope you've had a great day @GreenLeavesRustling .

Hugs to you OP - all the advice here has been great. The only thing I would add is that if you want to be able to do all the things you do, looking after yourself is pretty much non-negotiable. You can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. And I write this also knowing it is much easier said than done!

If like me you are a people pleaser and need a bit of a kick up the bum to start taking better care of yourself, here is a book recommendation: The Curse of Lovely by Jacqui Marson. I frequently dip back into reading it, it’s a very wise and really helped me to show more compassion to myself.

Ah great @AppelationStation it sounds like today was much better.

So glad you spoke to the Trustees too and they are aware of the workload you’re managing.

It’s great that you have prioritised some self care for the end of the week too.

So set up what you need for the morning, get an early night if you can and smash it tomorrow.

And have a lovely weekend when it gets here!

You’re quite right, sometimes just having someone to talk to makes all the difference. I am just the same. I’m going to take my own advice, jump in the bath and get an early night myself 😁

@Biscuitlover456 great recommendation, thanks. I will give it a look. I need a book to read but I'm finding fiction or anything requiring emotional energy impossible at the moment.

Everyone has been lovely, and practical too.

And @coodawoodashooda, I'm sorry you had to go through that crap at the hands of an asshole. Well done for getting out and keeping going. No small feat. I hope life is much more serene now. All power to your elbow.

Another one thinking how proud your Mum would be of you. Doing a demanding and important job and surrounding your DS with love.

Another one thinking how proud your Mum would be of you. Doing a demanding and important job and surrounding your DS with love.

@AppelationStation try How To Keep House While Drowning too - it’s all about being compassionate to yourself, prioritising what’s important and worrying less about the rest (see “is your house visitor ready” threads on here and instead think “does my house serve my needs and support my mental health at this moment in time, as I’m the person who lives in it, not a hypothetical visitor”)

If you want to read but are struggling with reading Audible, TED talks, podcasts etc are your friend. If you like fiction then short stories might work, or rereading. And remember it’s for you, not because it’s another thing you “should” be doing. If you don’t feel like you have the headspace for reading and it’s not adding value you don’t need to do it.

Just joining this thread as, despite some difference in circumstances, my head is in a very similar place right now and I'm finding some of these recommendations very helpful. I'm really impressed you took those two days off work, OP. I keep pushing myself until I crash. Not a great approach.

Well done on taking steps to avoid burnout and crashing at work OP, which will not help anyone in the medium and long-term, especially not the charity. You need to build structures & practices at work which are resilient and sustainable, and the trustees need to support you in that. And that will also help you with recruiting and retaining good people!!
Hopefully if you can get your working life in its proper box, other things will start to fall into place gradually as it won't be impinging on your family time.

Hey @AppelationStation I wondered how you were doing? Hope you are feeling a bit better and things are falling into place x

Do you have a link for keeping a bullet journal that isn’t focused on fancy writing and being aesthetically pleasing?

OP I think you have had great advice. I get like this too and I can’t say what works perfectly for me but yes writing things down seems to take the pressure off my brain.
Keeping things as simple as possible so I don’t have to think about them much, like meal planning.
Delegate where possible.
Prioritise what is most important and focus on that.
Make time for yourself. This is the most important and the easiest to forget I find.

I honestly think you are doing amazingly, your Mum would be so proud of you.

You are doing great OP x

Lots of wonderful advice on here. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are awesome.

I hope you have a lovely weekend OP! X

Oh op, you are definitely not a flaky twat! How can you even think that never mind write it down about yourself?

If I was your mammy I’d be telling you to pat yourself on the back, cut yourself some slack somewhere, and just sit for a moment and take some credit for holding your family together during the pandemic and shouldering all this responsibility. And for contributing so much good through your work. You have done, and are doing, bloody marvellously 💐

it’s not sustainable though and these symptoms and the incipient depression you are experiencing is a big red flag waving at you telling you that some things have to change.

My first question is how come your dh gets to stay with his mates in a bothy and walk up a mountain, while you worked fifty hours last week and the washing hasn’t been put away? When did you last take a day off with your friends?

I also think by the sound of it that the organisation you work for, are taking advantage of your good nature and strong work ethic, and that the eleven board members between them had better come up with some better solutions before you crash.

Honestly op, I know you want practical solutions from this thread, but is you doing more, or working more efficiently, really the answer?

The answer is others need to step up more. Your dh. And your management. I think you need to show them both edited versions of your op tbh!

As for practical solutions:

• ask for help - communicate what is happening to you loudly, clearly, and without any guilt whatsoever, to your dh and to your management. You have done brilliantly up to now but it’s not sustainable. THEY need to act before you crash and burn. You are giving fair, advance warning.

• ring fence an evening a week, and one morning or afternoon per weekend, which is entirely for yourself, in which you can practice self care or do something you love. Treat it with the same respect and seriousness that you would a work appt with a client. I have only just realised now in my late fifties, that if you do not do this for yourself, then no one else will! It’s always next week … next month … and nothing happens. You are last on the priority list again. Your child needs to see you take care of yourself and enjoy life a bit. Did your dh ask permission before going on his bothy trip? You equally do not need permission to ring fence time for yourself.

• if you can bear it, for one week, write down every single thing you do in the household, from wiping down the sink, to buying a birthday present for your ds’s friend, to defrosting the freezer, to monitoring hwk, to walking the dog, to food shopping and meal planning to thinking about all of the above!

Write it all out on a huge piece of paper. I guarantee that most of this you will be carrying in your mind and your dh will not have a clue! Yes it’s not our job to teach them but in this instance needs must. Categorise the tasks and divide more equally. I find with my dh that it works best if there are areas where we each have total responsibility eg bins and recycling, car (dh). Cleaning bathroom and loos, meal planning (me) and that there is precise clarity* over what is shared: cooking, laundry , dog-walking, school runs, bed times. Particularly for shared stuff, that needs to be divided up equally but according to working hours. If your dh is not up for this he needs to increase his earning capacity and pay for a cleaner. The person who works less does more in the home. It’s not rocket science.

• adopt a cleaning system: Flylady or TOMM which everyone in the household follows.

• one or two nights a week, go to bed at the same time as your child.

• install a self care app, or use a journal, to track daily habits regarding meds, weight, steps, other exercise, drinking water, healthy eating etc.

• slow down and start a hobby that brings you joy. Something creative if possible. Singing, crafting, baking, horse-riding, oil-painting. This sounds counter-intuitive when you have so much on, but you need it now more then ever.

Good luck and please assert yourself 💐

Up the level of any antidepressant med

Tell the board you're getting a temp admin. Immediately. A decent PA is a godsend.

Book a break away alone, in a few months. DH has DS. Non negotiable.

No ironing. Hang smart shirts damp.

Buy yourself a treat. Massive slice of cake, new earphones, whatever.

Best wishes x

@MotherOfTheGruffalo the guy who devised the system, Ryder Carroll, keeps it very simple. There’s a whole book(!) which is actually quite useful but it’s mostly covered in this video. I’ve adapted it a bit for me but this covers the basics.

Thanks for that @Sausagesinapan

I hope things are going better for you now OP@AppelationStation