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AIBU?

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Original poster

What happens now? ExHs disengagement in medical appointments

31 replies

WhatHappenedHappened · 13/03/2023 18:08

DC is 8, Y4 and gets Occupational Therapy input once a fortnight to help with motor delays.

It’s completely child led, in that the OT selects 3 or 4 activities that help to improve the motor skills but DC gets to choose which activities they do – it’s called child led OT and apparently they get better results if the DC chooses the activity and then they adapt it.

I didn’t take DC to OT on Friday because I was working, ExH went.
The activities are generally fun, therapist shows DC how to do something and then they play or they just play in a child-led but guided way.

OT rang me today to say she was concerned about ExHs lack of engagement with DC. She said when I take DC, I get involved, I do the craft, or play the board game or mimic how to use the scissors or cutlery so DC can see, I high five DC when they do something great or offer encouragement when they’re not doing so well (this was OTs words not mine) all of this is normal and DC apparently looks to me for reassurance or celebration. Apparently ExH just sat in the room and barely looked up from his phone. This is the 3rd or 4th time OT has observed this with ExH apparently (so not just a one off “bad day”) including when we had a meeting in school with OT and Senco. Apparently DC never looks over to ExH.

Apparently OT is passing her concerns onto SS, she’s said I am not the issue and she has no concerns, she can see I am not only engaging in sessions and meetings but she can tell I actually follow the advice given and work on it at home with DC. She has also said school have been including the OT exercises in their general lessons.

She told me because ExH refused to give his phone number. But I got the feeling OT thinks it's more than just ExH ignoring DC just the way she said "DC doesn't even look to him when they do something good" made it sound so bad.

I left ExH due to violence and control when DC was a toddler and he took me to court and almost got residency – he dropped it at the last minute.
I am so scared right now, and I’ve not even done anything wrong, in fact I’ve done everything right! I don’t want to stop contact between DC and ExH.

So what happens now? Do I have to tell ExH? Or just wait? Will I lose my DC?

OP posts:
Wildspace · 13/03/2023 18:11

I don’t think it’s down to you to speak to your ex about his behaviour with the OT. I can’t see how you could possibly lose DV over this.

Lovemusic33 · 13/03/2023 18:19

Why would you lose your dc over this? I am guessing ex doesn’t live with you? The issue is with him not you. Could it be that he just felt awkward joining in? I know I found it hard when dd started OT sessions as I felt I was being watched, I felt like they thought I was the cause of DD’s issues. I wouldn’t be too concerned though, it could actually work in your favour that someone else can see what an abusive twat he is? If he’s not being a good father why would you want him to continue contact? SS will just assess the situation and decide for themselves.

Original poster
WhatHappenedHappened · 13/03/2023 18:23

Lovemusic33 · 13/03/2023 18:19

Why would you lose your dc over this? I am guessing ex doesn’t live with you? The issue is with him not you. Could it be that he just felt awkward joining in? I know I found it hard when dd started OT sessions as I felt I was being watched, I felt like they thought I was the cause of DD’s issues. I wouldn’t be too concerned though, it could actually work in your favour that someone else can see what an abusive twat he is? If he’s not being a good father why would you want him to continue contact? SS will just assess the situation and decide for themselves.

@Lovemusic33 DC goes to ExH 1 night per week for tea, and EOWend for 2 nights, so about 55 nights a year (extra contact at Christmas and around ExH and DC birthdays).

When we went to the meeting with school, it was just me, ExH, Senco and OT, it was arranged during school time so DC was in their classroom with their teacher but he barely got off his phone.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 13/03/2023 18:24

I can't imagine SS doing anything at all with this referral. They have bigger fish to fry than a dad being on his phone during a medical appointment

AdviceOnLife · 13/03/2023 18:32

Op I think you are having a panic. Please don't.
The OT clearly knows you are a capable and engaged parent. They see you are making the effort and ex simply is not. That is great that they are seeing your effort.
Its also great that the OT has felt comfortable enough to discuss this with you. But do not fall into the trap of passing on messages and being the go between with ex and OT. If the OT wishes ex to engage more then they need to discuss that with them. Furthermore due to the violence no one should be asking that of you. And it's okay to politely say to the OT as much as you agree they would need to take that up with him. You are two separate units now. His failings are his and on him to fix.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/03/2023 18:40

I’m not sure what the OT is thinking here. Isn’t it up to them to be getting your ex involved in the sessions if that’s what they are looking for? I guess I’d probably be accused of of bad parenting because I’d observe rather than participate unless asked to.

I think you do need to start drawing some lines as others have suggested. If the OT has concerns about your Ex then that needs to be discussed with him.

PeekAtYou · 13/03/2023 18:45

I wouldn't say anything to ex. It sounds like he may shoot the messenger or use it against you in future if you go to court over contact again. I would wait and see if anything happened. Services are overstretched so if something happened I suspect that it will be far into the future. Giving him the heads up to avoid SS radar could end up with him not agreeing to OT input or refusing to help you when an appointment clashes with your work.

CharlieCoCo · 13/03/2023 18:46

does the ex know he should get involved in the therapy? maybe he thinks its time between the OT and the child and he just has to be there but not take part. i wouldmnt know if to get involved unless told.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/03/2023 18:47

I think you’re looking at this the wrong way round.

If he was abusive to you and threatened to go for residency this is actually a good thing to have on record in case he ever threatens that again.

Its not remotely a bad thing to have it on record that you engage with the sessions, that your DC engage with you and that they feel you work hard on the activities. It’s really not.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/03/2023 18:48

Don’t flag it up to him though. If the services involved with your DC want to speak to him about it let them do it.

don’t make yourself the messenger that gets shot.

Anonymous48 · 13/03/2023 18:49

CharlieCoCo · 13/03/2023 18:46

does the ex know he should get involved in the therapy? maybe he thinks its time between the OT and the child and he just has to be there but not take part. i wouldmnt know if to get involved unless told.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I was never even in the room for my child's OT appointments.

Soontobe60 · 13/03/2023 18:50

I think the OT was being incredibly unprofessional with you here. If I as a teacher had a concern about 1 parent, I would follow procedures and not discuss it with the other parent.
What she should have done is to engage with him and explain why it is important to take part in the activities. Many parents may well also sit back and let the experts do the task, because they may not know any different.

Original poster
WhatHappenedHappened · 13/03/2023 18:50

CharlieCoCo · 13/03/2023 18:46

does the ex know he should get involved in the therapy? maybe he thinks its time between the OT and the child and he just has to be there but not take part. i wouldmnt know if to get involved unless told.

@CharlieCoCo I didn't know whether I was supposed to or not so can see that he maybe feels he doesn't but he was the same in a meeting with school and OT, never off his phone, didn't ask a single question or utter any words. I remember the meeting now it's been raised but I didn't think anything of it at the time.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 13/03/2023 18:50

I'm absolutely mystified why the OT contacted you instead of talking to your ex directly in the session or writing to you both in a report.

If they think more engagement would help with the therapy, then they need to address that directly imo.

'This parent wasn't engaged in a session during which his child was safe, supervised and appropriately occupied' may not be gold standard but it's not neglect either.

Oysterbabe · 13/03/2023 18:51

Does he realise he's expected to join in? I feel like I'd probably leave it to the professional and just observe.

MarshaMelrose · 13/03/2023 18:51

I’m not sure what the OT is thinking here. Isn’t it up to them to be getting your ex involved in the sessions if that’s what they are looking for?

I agree. I really don't understand any of what is being said or implied. Why isn't she dealing with the ex herself? Isn't that her job - to show and encourage the parents? Why would SS even care? Is she implying he is hurting his son? Why is she telling the op? Shouldn't that be between the OT and SS?
The whole thing sounds unprofessional on her part unless there's something not been told or I'm missing it.

Soontobe60 · 13/03/2023 18:54

WhatHappenedHappened · 13/03/2023 18:50

@CharlieCoCo I didn't know whether I was supposed to or not so can see that he maybe feels he doesn't but he was the same in a meeting with school and OT, never off his phone, didn't ask a single question or utter any words. I remember the meeting now it's been raised but I didn't think anything of it at the time.

Show quote history

Some people are very uncomfortable in meetings with professionals - especially if they had a negative experience at school. It really is up to the professionals to manage the meeting. If I were meeting a parent who wasn’t apparently engaged I would direct some questions to them ‘so dad, how do you think your DS is coming on’ type of thing. Your ex may not have had any questions to ask because all his queries were answered before he needed to speak.

MichelleScarn · 13/03/2023 18:56

CharlieCoCo · 13/03/2023 18:46

does the ex know he should get involved in the therapy? maybe he thinks its time between the OT and the child and he just has to be there but not take part. i wouldmnt know if to get involved unless told.

This was my initial thought too, like when on rare occasion need to take dc to gp, try really hard to let them speak and engage with the doctor and not speak for them.

FourBoysAndAFeline · 13/03/2023 18:58

SS wouldn't bat an eyelid at that, unless there was more to it.

Ponderingwindow · 13/03/2023 18:59

This just seems odd to me. I have taken my dc to various therapies over the years. With some, I have been expected to be an active participant. With others, I have been explicitly asked to not participate. It depends on the therapy and the way the therapist is trying to work with the child.

if the oT wants your XH to engage, has the ot made it clear? Has the ot given specific instructions that now it is dad’s turn. Has the ot given pre-session instructions on what type of skills and engagements they would like you and XH to especially reinforce as positive?

basically, why is the ot calling you and contacting ss when the ot could just talk to dad?

MarshaMelrose · 13/03/2023 19:01

But why are SS involved? Are they already involved in the family? Is this mandated therapy?

I think its dreadful she spoke to you. So unprofessional. Imagine this was reversed and she gave private information about you to your ex. That he could then use against you.

It's totally baffling to me. What does she want you to do about it?

Mumsanetta · 13/03/2023 19:02

The OT has concerns about your ex. Why do you think this means you might lose your children?

Cocobutt · 13/03/2023 19:04

OT rang me today to say she was concerned about ExHs lack of engagement with DC. She said when I take DC, I get involved

Tbh I wouldn’t realise that I had to get involved.

Whenever I took my DC to the doctors or for an eye test etc I am paying attention but I let the professionals talk to my DC and I stay out of it.

If it was a regular thing with a 1-1 professional then I would definitely stay out of it and I’d try not to distract them and so it would probably look like I was not engaging or caring.

I think the OT should just ask him what she wants him to do.

I do think it’s a bit extreme of her so I’m wondering if she has other concerns that she’s not sharing.

Original poster
WhatHappenedHappened · 13/03/2023 19:06

No SS involvement. OT involvement due to referral by school.

OP posts:
MelloYellow · 13/03/2023 19:09

How did he nearly get residency?

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