Frustrated with a friends Depression

[Glinda31]

My friend has depression. She has had it for years and won't get help for it. She believes that the drugs she could take are far worse for her than helpful and that 'talking therapy' doesn't work. For the record - I have suffered with depression, I found the right meds and the right kind of therapy and it's helped me no end!
My frustration is that she does NOTHING! she gets overwhelmed, is negative about everything, gets signed off from work, stays at home for weeks and does nothing else to help herself. I know how hard it is to dig yourself out, i've been there but I'm so frustrated at her lack of trying anything. She won't exercise, or even go for a walk (she has every excuse in the book not to). she won't look at her diet and change things there. If i mention her weight or exercise i get told I'm 'fat shaming'. I'm not I just don't want her to live this miserable existence and far more important than her gravitational force to the ground or how she looks; exercise and diet can work wonders for mental health. I'm at the end of my tether. Am i being unreasonable? does anyone else have this issue with a friend?

I voted YABU because you haven’t experienced your friend’s depression, only your own.
Depression is a very complex illness, and what caused it can vary, just as what helps it can vary, too.
If you still consider your friend to be a friend, stop trying to “fix” them - just let them know you will be there for them, and if they need your advice, they will ask for it. If they do ask, you give it and they refuse to listen, then you’re well within your rights to gently explain that you have run out of ideas apart from the one you’ve already given, and reassure them that you’re still there to listen and provide a hand-hold, but that they might find that a professional would be more qualified to help.

All of this.
I understand your frustration though if she isn't willing to at least try to get help.

It's like if someone broke their leg, you would help them and offer them sympathy but if that person refused to seek medical treatment you would eventually lose your sympathy and patience.

Yep. Stop trying to fix your friend. Love her instead.

She doesn’t owe you any sort of recovery or appearance of effort. Your suggestions about exercise and diet aren’t radical, she will have heard them many times before.

If you’re frustrated with her, by all means take a step back - you’d be doing her a favour.

It's like if someone broke their leg, you would help them and offer them sympathy but if that person refused to seek medical treatment you would eventually lose your sympathy and patience.
Agree with this.
The OP's friend doesn't have to recover in a certain way and good friends are supportive and there for friends through rough times, but there comes a point where a friendship is emotionally draining and it's difficult to be trying to support a friend who is unwilling to take any steps to change their situation.

It seems like the OP's situation is probably more frustrating because she has her own experiences of depression so she's probably the wrong person for the friend to offload/be supported by at this stage. It might be beneficial for the OP to move to a slightly more distant friend for now.

YABU. What works for one person, doesn't work for the next. Stop trying to fix your friend and just be there friend.

YANBU. She’s no right to whinge and moan when she refuses to get any help.

I think it’s best to just leave her to her misery and step away.

You can't really compare this to someone breaking their leg and not getting help.
If you're depressed, you think very negatively and you convince yourself nothing will work and you're beyond help.
I know, because I've been there.
It's a very deep hole to get into and a vicious cycle.
It's awful because nobody can get you out of it, only you. It takes a great deal of mental strength, which a depressed person simply doesn't have.
It's why many end up on medication to give them a leg up, alongside good therapy. Both of which your friend is refusing.

I think all you can really do is just be as supportive as you can be, but don't show your frustration. That'll make it worse.

I agree and would do this. She can’t be bothered to help herself.

YANBU If she won't help herself but continues to off load on others then I would end the friendship. She's not a friend she is using you.

YANBU
You're trying to help by giving her encouragement to do things that are recommended to ease depression - diet, exercise, etc. You've got good intentions.
It's just that she won't or can't help herself. It's really hard being with a friend or partner like this. Maybe you should step back from anything that could be seen as advice and see what happens- discuss anything other than the depression and its symptoms.

Thanks everyone. Lots of really interesting thoughts.

Oh good, another mental illness bashing thread.

You’re so right, she should just pull herself together.

I do love her. Dearly! that's the issue really - I don't want her life to be constantly unhappy. I want her to see that it could be so much better if only she'd do some things to help. And yes, I know full well how hard that is. But I also know that the alternative misery is pretty awful too.

No, a discussion. And if you read the post I'd made you'd see I've had depression too so i wouldnt really be 'bashing' would i?

Step back. It’s okay to prioritise your own MH.

Some people get physical illnesses and choose not to treat them. It sounds like she does not believe she could ever feel differently.

Nobody said she should just “pull herself together”.

We are saying she should do something to help herself rather than wallowing and expecting it to fix itself.

But the friend has no idea what will/won’t help does she because she won’t try anything! It’s not like OP is saying “My friend tried X therapy or Y medication and is claiming it didn’t work and I don’t believe her because it worked for me”!

The friend isn’t even trying!

My apologies, I had just been reading through the latest benefits-bashing thread with some absolutely vile posts on people with depression and other mental health problems and was feeling quite upset. I do appreciate what you’re saying, it’s frustrating when you see a way out of a hole for people you care about but they wont take it. Sometimes people just can’t though, they’re too poorly. All you can do is be there for her when she feels able to make some changes. And if it’s affecting your own mental health it’s perfectly OK to step away from the friendship. I know from my own experience of depression that sometimes people trying to help me has a paradoxical effect and it’s not until I’ve truly reached the bottom and become so sick of myself that I have no choice but to make my way back up.

I disagree with most. This has nothing to do with MH as such, and therefore isn't MH bashing. For some people, if the issue was personality, medical or anything else, if someone refuses to try anything sympathy can wear thin. If you had a friend who complained about something, whatever it was, but refused all suggestions, you may very well get frustrated.
I couldn't cope with it, knowing that were many things she could at least TRY, and would need to let the friendship slowly slip.

Imagine if the person hated their child's school, or had a sore back but refused to do anything, not consider changing schools, not to talk to the teacher, not to speak to GP, visit a physio. In the end you may just find it frustrating.

@AnthonyTheTurtle ”The friend isn’t even trying!”
I can see the frustration here - but, here’s the thing: with some mental illnesses, it’s hard enough for the person to function at even 10%, let alone sum up the drive to try to seek help…
Supporting a friend with this issue can be exhausting, but expecting them to try things you or others suggest is not something that will necessarily work.

Exactly. At my worst I couldn’t even speak. A therapist told me she couldn’t treat me in such a state and I was referred for ECT.

I’ve had major depressive episodes on and off since I was 11. So many people have said things during the episodes like, if only you’d try to do this and that. I just couldn’t. I’m hardly able to move when it happens.

Part of depression, for many people, is that the illness tells them that the misery they're experiencing now is what life truly is, and that any effort they make is ultimately pointless.

This is why some people will try to end their lives, because they see no way out. Not accessing help is often just a milder version of the same feeling. Personality types and social moulding also play a part, but again the sufferer has limited control here.

All of that aside, it's ok to care about her and set your own boundaries. That might be accepting that she won't take your advice, so deciding not to give it (and also stopping her gently if she's asking for it), it could be agreeing to catch up doing an activity or in a neutral zone, or it could be seeing each other less but still caring.