Frustrated with a friends Depression

[Glinda31]

My friend has depression. She has had it for years and won't get help for it. She believes that the drugs she could take are far worse for her than helpful and that 'talking therapy' doesn't work. For the record - I have suffered with depression, I found the right meds and the right kind of therapy and it's helped me no end!
My frustration is that she does NOTHING! she gets overwhelmed, is negative about everything, gets signed off from work, stays at home for weeks and does nothing else to help herself. I know how hard it is to dig yourself out, i've been there but I'm so frustrated at her lack of trying anything. She won't exercise, or even go for a walk (she has every excuse in the book not to). she won't look at her diet and change things there. If i mention her weight or exercise i get told I'm 'fat shaming'. I'm not I just don't want her to live this miserable existence and far more important than her gravitational force to the ground or how she looks; exercise and diet can work wonders for mental health. I'm at the end of my tether. Am i being unreasonable? does anyone else have this issue with a friend?

It’s difficult. I’m rubbish with friends or family that want me to just “be there for them”. I feel an overwhelming desire to fix things for them and I also feel frustration when I meet people that want to complain about their issues but never take any steps to resolve them. I know this is an unreasonable stance to take and I work very hard at listening supportively without offering an opinion or judgement but I don’t find it easy to do. I find it completely draining to be around people like this so you have my sympathies. Not sure what the solution is other than to take a step back for your own sanity though. You can take a horse to water and all that.

I agree with this.

If you’ve spoken to your friends about treatments/life styles changes before and she hasn’t taken the advice it is a hit futile to continue giving it.

I can see why you might want to limit time with this person if their negativity/lifestyle impacts on you in a negative way.

I think leave the opinions for what it is. Be a friend to her in ways that you are able and have boundaries around anything that she does that impacts you negatively.

I completely understand your frustration. However, I agree with some posters here. You've had depression but you haven't got her depression. It's not one size fits all sadly. Yes, she would definitely benefit from maybe some GP help, counselling, exercise, diet change, fresh air etc but when you're in the dark, heavy depression, nothing seems worth the effort, everything is bleak and nothing anyone says makes much difference.

You have two choices I think. You continue to support her, gently make suggestions, baby steps. Or you remove yourself from the friendship. I do sympathise with you but you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be mended - at least not yet.

Perhaps I need to show a bit more empathy towards her, it's just so frustrating.
I've suffered with my mental health since i was a teenager, with various episodes of anxiety and depression and all I've ever wanted was to just not feel that awful. I'd try anything and everything to feel better. But I guess the truth of it is like it's been said it's not one size fits all, that's just my coping mechanism.

I voted yabu because it sounds as though you’re trying to ‘fix’ her problems without her having asked you to. For example has she asked you to intervene or advice re her diet, exercise and weight? If not, that might explain her defensive responses. She perhaps just has to work things out for herself.
However I get that trying to be friends with someone who is constantly negative and isn’t giving much back (if that’s the case) could be very draining for you and might justify backing away a bit for your own MH.

She doesn’t owe you any sort of recovery or appearance of effort. Your suggestions about exercise and diet aren’t radical, she will have heard them many times before.

Likewise OP doesn't have to provide an infinite amount of support when she won't seek professional help. Even though the friend doesn't mean to be, she is being unfair on the OP by always expecting OP to listen to and support her when she won't support herself.

OP, if this relationship is causing you distress it is absolutely fine to walk away or reduce contact. It doesn't make you a bad person.

YANBU - You are under no obligation to remain friends.... if a friend isn't acting the way that is enriching your life or making your life more fulfilled in some way, Rather than expecting them to conform to your idea of how they behave; step away.

You don't have to maintain relationships with people for any reason. This goes both ways; you'll be happier and probably so will they.

This. We're talking about years. If OP isn't getting much out of the relationship it's reasonable to walk away. I'm sure the friend gets something out of your relationship but it's a bit one sided.

I agree with @Immychops and @Anyotherdude.
You have only experienced your own depression.
Depression is hell... I've had it too many times.

I’ve gone through this fairly recently, for some time now I have been supporting two friends through serious bereavement.

I am well aware that grief has no timeline, is frequently debilitating, and takes as long as it takes.

It was my own therapist who pointed out to me that I also needed to look after myself, and that having an understanding of my friend’s grief did not mean that I was required to spend several hours a week supporting her while my own life is basically devoid of fun/energising experiences. In other words, it’s ok to not have anything left to give, or at least not right now. And this has nothing to do with any sort of judgment on how your friend “should” be feeling.

If a friend asked me to help them move house rn I would have to say no, because my physical health and schedule won’t allow it. It’s not a judgement of my friend’s right or need to move house.

I think you might be at a similar stage with your own friend.