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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bring my ASD child to my other child’s party?

43 replies

IcyBlonde15 · 13/03/2023 11:27

It’s my youngest sons birthday and we are having a party at the local soft play. He has an older brother who has severe ASD and struggles with parties. I just know that it will inevitably become all about calming him down, managing his triggers, and then I have to hover over him constantly because he does lash out without warning and could hurt another child. So I am leaning towards not bringing him. He would be happier at home but I feel so guilty about not having my son at his own brothers party and people have acted shocked when I’ve told them he’s not coming but honestly, our life usually does revolve around him at the expense of my other son, which is not his fault but I really would like his birthday to be about him and give him my full attention for a few hours without his brother demanding my attention. AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
ladygindiva · 13/03/2023 11:32

My view is that there's nothing wrong with making your younger sons birthday all about him and his special day, and if the older child is happier at home it's fine and noone else's business.

ladygindiva · 13/03/2023 11:33

So a resounding yanbu

SailorVeee · 13/03/2023 11:33

Hi, similar but the other way round, my younger child has autism and struggles with parties, his sister had a big soft play party for her birthday in December. We left him with my parents, he was happy, she was happy and we weren't stressed trying to support him and host a party. I understand the guilt but you should do what's best for ALL of you especially your birthday child.

Jackieintheboxy · 13/03/2023 11:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable- my son has a disability and depending how it affects him we will be doing separate things with my daughter

NameChangeForThisBear · 13/03/2023 11:34

Of course YANBU! It doesn’t sound like your older son would enjoy himself in the slightest, surely that’s enough of a reason not to take him on its own, never mind you not being able to focus on your younger son?

I have Asperger’s and I bloody hated being forced to go to parties and big noisy places as a kid, but at least I was able to take myself off and sit in the quietest corner I could find. It doesn’t sound like your older boy would necessarily be able to do that for himself, even if it’s what he really needed? So if he doesn’t want to go and won’t really benefit from it, please don’t take him, for his sake as well as for your own and everyone else’s. There will be other fun family activities that are far more suitable for you to do all together, less overwhelming and stressful.

SuburbanMummy123 · 13/03/2023 11:34

Leaving your older son at home sounds like the best outcome all round, don’t let people talk you into doubting yourself

stickygotstuck · 13/03/2023 11:34

YANBU, at all.

YABU at feeling guilty though - Sounds like a win-win for situation for everyone. Your eldest will be calmer and happier at home, you'll be less stressed and your youngest will get to enjoy his party better. No brainer.

SussexLass87 · 13/03/2023 11:34

It sounds like the party won't be a good experience for your older child, and that you'd be doing the kindest thing by giving him a nice morning at home?

You can still celebrate with cake and a quieter tea party at home all together as a family maybe.

Are these people who are acting shocked offering to help you look after him at the soft play party so you can focus on your younger child?

PietariKontio · 13/03/2023 11:35

You answered it when you said "he'll be happier at home". That's it really, why force him to attend something that will upset him due to a social convention that he can't understand and/or fullfill? THat's not fair on him or his brother.
If his brother's upset could the pair of them have a 'mini-party' at home in a way they'd both like?

CatJumperTwat · 13/03/2023 11:36

YANBU in the slightest

TeeBee · 13/03/2023 11:36

Totally unreasonable to leave him at home. It benefits nobody with him being there. Don't forget it won't be the only party your son has. There might be other years when it's more appropriate to have your older one there (if he will enjoy it). You've got to parent from where your children are right now.

Pinkypurplecloud · 13/03/2023 11:36

I generally don’t have sibling at my children’s parties, they have a nice treat with Grandparents while birthday child has their party. I find both children are happier, plus it’s a lot easier for me.

In the circumstances you describe I’d say you’re even more justified- not fair to put an autistic child in a situation he can’t cope with just to fit in with ridiculous social expectations. He would be happier at home, his brother would have a nicer time without him, you’d find it easier - it’s a no brainer.

purpledalmation · 13/03/2023 11:38

Of course don't take him. He won't enjoy it if it's triggering his behaviours.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 13/03/2023 11:38

YANBU at all. Every child deserves a day just about them once a year and your older child would not even want to be at the party!

You'd be doing it for other people (in a "what would the neighbours say?" sense) if you did take an older sibling to a younger sibling's party when neither sibling wanted or would benefit from doing so!

☕ have a lovely couple of hours if that's at all possible at soft play!

Nevermind31 · 13/03/2023 11:40

We never have the other child attend as usually the party is age appropriate- so what is right for a bunch of 8 year olds is not right for the 5 year old, and I wouldn’t really want the 8 year old to dominate the 5 year olds invited to 5 year old’s party.
this might change as they get older.

Original poster
IcyBlonde15 · 13/03/2023 11:42

SussexLass87 to be fair one of them has, but I don’t think she realises how hard this would be plus I could never ask her to as there is a high chance of him scratching or biting.

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 13/03/2023 11:42

YANBU! If anyone asks where he is I would just be honest and say "he doesn't like big noisy places so he is doing X instead". If anyone judges you for that they are a bit of an idiot!

HumphreyCobblers · 13/03/2023 11:44

Gosh why would you make your oldest go along? Everyone is happier and gets what they need from the situation.

I have one child with autism and he does his own thing, with one parent or a babysitter all the time. Works really well.

midnight90 · 13/03/2023 11:44

I don't know what ASD is but there is nothing wrong with giving you attention to your other son for a day especially on his birthday. Don't feel guilty. Maybe on another day or weekend do something with just the two.of them so the ASD son feels like he is involved

samsmum2 · 13/03/2023 11:48

YADNBU. My 2nd child has a disability and managing her behaviours at my other children's bday parties when they were younger turned what should've been a lovely day, focused on the birthday child, into a v stressful day for us as parents and to a lesser extent, her siblings. Don't feel guilty, enjoy your son's birthday party safe in the knowledge that your child with ASD is also happier at home. Hope you have a lovely day!

SussexLass87 · 13/03/2023 11:51

That's kind of her - but you know your own child and situation best!

I've had offers to help with my own ASD children, but like you say they don't realise what's involved, however well intentioned the offer is.

I really hope that you all have a great birthday celebration for your youngest!

MsSquiz · 13/03/2023 11:54

My SIL does this with her oldest, when it's her younger twins birthday party. He gets to stay with a grandparent at home and relax doing his own thing and the twins are restricted in what they want to do for their birthday.
Then we usually have a small family get together at home with cake and candles so no one is missing out

Clymene · 13/03/2023 11:56

Absolutely not. Leave him where he's happy and put the focus on the birthday boy.

Ignore other people. I'm guessing they're looking at it through parents of NT children lens.

It's also really important that your youngest son doesn't feel like everything revolves around his disabled brother so it sounds win win all round.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/03/2023 11:57

In being the best advocate for your children that you can be, you need to be able to focus on what is in the best interests of your children first and foremost. So you know what is right for both your children in this scenario; block out opinions from other people who don't. You might need to grow a thicker skin to protect yourself from others who might be well meaning but don't understand.

It's a long road ahead of you, you're used to making reasonable adjustments that make life work better for you all. Don't let other people distract you from that.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 13/03/2023 11:58

Nevermind31 · 13/03/2023 11:40

We never have the other child attend as usually the party is age appropriate- so what is right for a bunch of 8 year olds is not right for the 5 year old, and I wouldn’t really want the 8 year old to dominate the 5 year olds invited to 5 year old’s party.
this might change as they get older.

Same here - mine are past that age really now but never attended one another's children's birthday parties as guests because each child should be the centre of attention on their own birthday.

I have two with a 12 month gap and birthdays on consecutive days! For us this made it more not less important they have that one day a year all about them without having to share!

I used to have to share a party with my sister three years younger because our birthdays are a few weeks apart and she loved it but I hated it - the parties were always tailored to her because they had to be "suitable for everyone" which meant, of course, suitable for the youngest.

It made me all the more determined to give my own children their parties where for one day it was about one child only without their siblings.