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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not bring my ASD child to my other child’s party?

43 replies

IcyBlonde15 · 13/03/2023 11:27

It’s my youngest sons birthday and we are having a party at the local soft play. He has an older brother who has severe ASD and struggles with parties. I just know that it will inevitably become all about calming him down, managing his triggers, and then I have to hover over him constantly because he does lash out without warning and could hurt another child. So I am leaning towards not bringing him. He would be happier at home but I feel so guilty about not having my son at his own brothers party and people have acted shocked when I’ve told them he’s not coming but honestly, our life usually does revolve around him at the expense of my other son, which is not his fault but I really would like his birthday to be about him and give him my full attention for a few hours without his brother demanding my attention. AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:

Untitledsquatboulder · 13/03/2023 12:04

Why guilty? Your older son won't enjoy it, your younger will enjoy it more if his db isn't there getting stressed out. Win-win - you are not even having to sacrifice the needs of one for the other.

One of the hardest things I've found about having an autistic child is accepting that some things that are "fun" for most people aren't "fun" for him.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 13/03/2023 12:10

Massive YANBU.

aSofaNearYou · 13/03/2023 12:13

YANBU at all, and I think you're doing right by DC2 here.

Choconut · 13/03/2023 12:24

You feel guilty because you thinking like an NT mum about an NT child and your NT friends with NT children aren't helping by being 'shocked'. He is ND, he won't want to be at the party, he won't enjoy the party, he won't like the noise or the number of children or the fact they're all totally hyped up, he may get very upset and lash out due to this. Not having him at the party is not being mean, or leaving him out - it's doing what's best for him. If anyone questions him not being there tell them he doesn't like parties because he is autistic and is much happier not coming.

MatildaJayne · 13/03/2023 12:26

Whilst it's good to sometimes gently push your ND child out of their comfort zone, your other DC's birthday isn't the day to do it. YANBU

PeekAtYou · 13/03/2023 12:27

yanbu - especially as the arrangement is in everybody's best interest

thecatsthecats · 13/03/2023 12:35

You're doing a great job of differentiating their needs.

I was the sibling who had to fit in with everyone else's needs, and the times when YOU are prioritised are really important memories for me.

Justmeandthedog1 · 13/03/2023 12:38

Sounds like your older son will be stressed out by the party so can he stay home with someone ? No point in him going to a party that’s going to make him feel awful.

Mariposista · 13/03/2023 12:56

Definitely leave him at home/with a relative. This is your younger son’s special day.

midnightblue12 · 13/03/2023 12:57

If he's happier at home then you have nothing to feel guilty about. You know what so best.
Sometimes we just have to make decisions which are difficult but your youngest deserves a party and your eldest deserves to be happy and settled so to me this sounds the best solution.

cigarettesNalcohol · 13/03/2023 13:04

Yanbu

Hankunamatata · 13/03/2023 13:09

I have 3 kids with sen and last few years they haven't gone to each others parties as I would have spent too much time managing non birthday child's behaviour. Usually the sibling(s) go to grandparents for a day, get utterly spoilt and have cake and party bags brought back for them

Lindtnotlint · 13/03/2023 13:14

You are so NBU. Indeed I don’t think SEN is the only reason to do this - mine often don’t come simply because they won’t have much fun at a younger kid’s party and everyone will be happier (including them) if they go have fun elsewhere.

totally totally normal and reasonable. Don’t doubt yourself.

MobMoll · 25/05/2023 23:27

Not at all U! My oldest son is graduating HS next week. Big ceremony. My little one has ASD and will be staying home with our lovely babysitter and her kids. Win win over all!
I’m sure your ASD kiddo appreciates your decision.

Cocopogo · 25/05/2023 23:29

I did exactly that. I didn’t bring my son to my DDs party. Some people thought it was odd but I was able to give all my time to DD and the guests so have no regrets. Then we did something as a family on the actual day

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/05/2023 23:31

Do you really need to ask

Of course you leave your other son at home

For your other son
For yourself
And mostly for HIM

You are being a good mum

Shopper727 · 28/06/2023 18:08

I don’t think that’s a bad idea. You have 2 kids with different needs and you’re putting your other son first so you can spend his part with him and give him the best time. I’m sure you do the same for your other son and don’t feel guilty you are meeting both children’s needs in this. Enjoy the party and I hope your son has a fab time

BestBadger · 28/06/2023 18:17

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/03/2023 11:57

In being the best advocate for your children that you can be, you need to be able to focus on what is in the best interests of your children first and foremost. So you know what is right for both your children in this scenario; block out opinions from other people who don't. You might need to grow a thicker skin to protect yourself from others who might be well meaning but don't understand.

It's a long road ahead of you, you're used to making reasonable adjustments that make life work better for you all. Don't let other people distract you from that.

Brilliantly put. YANBU

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