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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask which one of us is being unreasonable?

40 replies

Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 11:17

Dd is an adult with some disabilities and I am her carer, I also work from home.
Each weekend my dd works at a disability friendly job, usually Saturday afternoon and a few hours on Sundays. She is off Monday and Tuesdays so has those days at home entirely as her 'weekend' and at college other days. If she is home then I have to be home due to her needs. She will not access disability or respite services.

Dd hates going to my Nans, nothing has happened and they do a lot for her but she is an adult and she just does not want to go which I understand. I have to go as Nan is alone and needs help now and also I WANT to go as I do not see anyone the other days of the week and am stuck home alone most of the time so I usually go Saturday and come home Sunday when she is at work. DD meets me after work, comes to Nans and goes to work Sunday morning from there so she is only at my Nans from 6pm on Saturday to Sunday morning.
Every week dd kicks off about this. She does not want to go, she does not see why I have to go every weekend. I have told her I will just go for the day instead of overnight on Saturdays while she is in work so she does not have to go, she has refused this also as she does not want to look bad to my Nan so instead she comes, moans all Friday night about it and then sits at my Nans being moody and is often rude, she makes comments that ill smells (I have cleaned it myself and sits with her jumper over her nose which upsets my Nan).

I am fed up of this. I have tried to make a solution around this that works for her but she is not interested, she wants me not to go and her not to go basically.
She does this all the time, if we are planning to go out somewhere she often decides she does not want to go (often after agreeing and paying for somewhere) and she just digs her heels in refusing to go which means I cannot go either.

Due to circumstances relating to something she wanted we were meant to see my Nan this morning instead of the weekend, I worked over the weekend instead to free up for today, she has kicked off about it again because she wants time at home (fair enough) but this means I will have to ring Nan as to why we cannot come and I will now be stuck entirely in the house until next weekend which will have been two weeks since I have seen anyone other than her as I am either working or with her.

She is now in her room doing what she wants to do and I am sat here annoyed.

AIBU to feel she is being a little bit selfish or am I a horrible person?

OP posts:
Champooforyou · 13/03/2023 11:23

I'd be furious. You have set.up your entire life to meet her needs, and she is being a brat. I'd be telling her that from next weekend you will be going to Nans, she either comes and is polite and pleasant or she makes alternative care arrangements for herself.

ShortColdandGrey · 13/03/2023 12:31

Yes I agree with previous poster. She is acting like a spoilt brat. If she does not want to go she makes alternative care arrangements.

slashlover · 13/03/2023 12:35

She will not access disability or respite services.

Does that mean there are services available but she just refuses to use them?

Original poster
Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 12:43

slashlover · 13/03/2023 12:35

She will not access disability or respite services.

Does that mean there are services available but she just refuses to use them?

The consultant we saw offered to refer her to a local charity who provide things like befriending services, support groups, social groups and activities locally that she could attend. These would give me some respite and the ability to do something for myself for a couple of hours.
She refuses to access any of it and refused the referral.

OP posts:
CoinsinaJar · 13/03/2023 12:46

Have I understood this correctly - you could get, for example, a carer in to be there with your daughter while you go out (to your nan's or anywhere else), but she is "refusing" to allow this?

Sorry OP, but I agree with the above posters. She's being a spoilt, controlling brat and needs to understand that you (and your nan) have lives outside of her care. She's also being extremely rude!! Sitting at your nans with her jumper over her face .... that's disgraceful. I'd be having very strong words!! Having a disability does not excuse this behaviour.

LadyHaHaHeeHaw · 13/03/2023 12:59

Christ poor you and your nan
I'd sit her down and tell her that if she continues to behave like this then you will be ringing adult ss and explaining you can't cope
Be clear your and your nans plans are not going to change
You should not be held hostage to her
There is a limit what you can take

billy1966 · 13/03/2023 13:42

CoinsinaJar · 13/03/2023 12:46

Have I understood this correctly - you could get, for example, a carer in to be there with your daughter while you go out (to your nan's or anywhere else), but she is "refusing" to allow this?

Sorry OP, but I agree with the above posters. She's being a spoilt, controlling brat and needs to understand that you (and your nan) have lives outside of her care. She's also being extremely rude!! Sitting at your nans with her jumper over her face .... that's disgraceful. I'd be having very strong words!! Having a disability does not excuse this behaviour.

This.

OP,

You sound abused and controlled by her.

You poor woman.

You are being far too accommodating and I think you need to look at residential living.

Do not accept this.

She may have a disability but she makes your life a misery.

Your softness has facilitated her awful behaviour.

Time to tell her no more.

Honestly I would be TELLING her she is going to respite and it will be fulltime if she doesn't buck up.

Original poster
Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 14:22

I have had stern words about her behaviour, we have had arguments over it on multiple occasions, she never thinks she is wrong, she just argues that I am unreasonable, that no one else sees their nan every weekend blah blah blah.

Honestly I would be TELLING her she is going to respite and it will be fulltime if she doesn't buck up.

The problem is telling her she IS going to respite does not work, she knows fully well that I cannot manhandle her and physically make her go. She also knows I cannot leave her.

I am already in touch with adult social services over all this. I am waiting for a carers assessment because I am pretty much done at this point and my own mental health is terrible.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/03/2023 14:31

Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 14:22

I have had stern words about her behaviour, we have had arguments over it on multiple occasions, she never thinks she is wrong, she just argues that I am unreasonable, that no one else sees their nan every weekend blah blah blah.

Honestly I would be TELLING her she is going to respite and it will be fulltime if she doesn't buck up.

The problem is telling her she IS going to respite does not work, she knows fully well that I cannot manhandle her and physically make her go. She also knows I cannot leave her.

I am already in touch with adult social services over all this. I am waiting for a carers assessment because I am pretty much done at this point and my own mental health is terrible.

Good for you.

She's a bully.
A bully with a disability, but a bully all the same.

You need to tell adult services that you want her to go into care as you need a break.

Pack up and leave and go and stay with your Nan.

Tell adult services that they need to step in as your MH is suffering and you can no longer cope with her abuse.

If you don't protect your fragile MH, things will deteriorate anyway.

You have to protect yourself.

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 14:33

Well she needs to move out and get her own place. I'm guessing that will be difficult for her to do independently so she will need her SW involved. OK it doesn't need to be today but I'd certainly be aiming towards when she finishes her college course (summer). Get the ball rolling now as the transition from child to adult services doesn't always run smoothly and there could be agap.
Tbh even if she was sweetness and light you can't be expected to sacrifice your own life like this. When do uou get a break or an opportunity to go on holiday socialise etc.
There is supported accommodation put there. I think it's in both your interest and will allow you time to just be a mum rather than a carer

UdoU · 13/03/2023 14:38

I agree with others, your dd is a bully and holding you to ransom.

I am already in touch with adult social services over all this. I am waiting for a carers assessment because I am pretty much done at this point and my own mental health is terrible.

I hope they are helpful. Do what you need to do to help yourself.

Hbh17 · 13/03/2023 14:38

As she is an adult, you are not obligated to have her living with you. You need to tell Social Services that you can no longer cope, and she will have to go into a supported living facility. Let's face it, she will probably have to do that anyway when you're no longer here, so better to organise it sooner rather than later. You can still visit her/take her out.

ICanHideButICantRun · 13/03/2023 14:40

You don't have any kind of life at all, you poor thing. I think I would push for some sort of assisted living space for her so that you get some time for yourself. I really feel for you, it must be incredibly stressful and frustrating. Ironically, you would have far more time to yourself if you lived with your grandmother.

Thatwastheweekthatwasnt · 13/03/2023 14:41

Hbh17 · 13/03/2023 14:38

As she is an adult, you are not obligated to have her living with you. You need to tell Social Services that you can no longer cope, and she will have to go into a supported living facility. Let's face it, she will probably have to do that anyway when you're no longer here, so better to organise it sooner rather than later. You can still visit her/take her out.

This

Also have a frank conversation and ask her what her plans are if/when you die.

Hesma · 13/03/2023 14:42

Why can you not leave her? Let her see that you need a life and your Nan is important to you so she needs to suck it up

GBoucher · 13/03/2023 14:47

Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 12:43

The consultant we saw offered to refer her to a local charity who provide things like befriending services, support groups, social groups and activities locally that she could attend. These would give me some respite and the ability to do something for myself for a couple of hours.
She refuses to access any of it and refused the referral.

Show quote history

I think your daughter is very selfish. You have sacrificed your needs for hers for far too long, I think.

gamerchick · 13/03/2023 14:50

Why can't you leave her? If she can work weekends and go to college then surely she can be left for a few hours?

I'd be getting babysitters in if she carries on acting like a child.

Dillydaydreams · 13/03/2023 14:54

She is a spoilt brat. That is not your fault but you need to put your foot down.

ship her out to supported living asap

latetothefisting · 13/03/2023 14:56

It seems like the easiest option woukd just be to go while she is in work - fuck "not wanting to look bad to her nan" it's not as if sitting there with a face on and a jumper over her head makes a great impression does it?

Just tell her straight- you want to see your nan, she ruins it, so you'll go without her. Take some ownership and remove any choice she has in the matter.

flyingant · 13/03/2023 15:06

she knows fully well that I cannot manhandle her and physically make her go. She also knows I cannot leave her.

What will happen if you 'do' leave her?

Original poster
Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 15:06

gamerchick · 13/03/2023 14:50

Why can't you leave her? If she can work weekends and go to college then surely she can be left for a few hours?

I'd be getting babysitters in if she carries on acting like a child.

She works at a supported workplace, the same with college.
She is not safe home alone for a variety of reasons.

OP posts:
AnthonyTheTurtle · 13/03/2023 15:10

What a nasty piece of work she sounds. I’d be telling her that, too.

Original poster
Tiredautistic · 13/03/2023 15:11

latetothefisting · 13/03/2023 14:56

It seems like the easiest option woukd just be to go while she is in work - fuck "not wanting to look bad to her nan" it's not as if sitting there with a face on and a jumper over her head makes a great impression does it?

Just tell her straight- you want to see your nan, she ruins it, so you'll go without her. Take some ownership and remove any choice she has in the matter.

This is what I am going to have to do, it will mean far less time with my nan (three hours if I am lucky) but better than this shit.

I have tried to discuss this with her today and been told the following:

I am guilt tripping her into going to my nans when she is overwhelmed and just wants this one day to herself to decompress despite this being an issue every week and usually us not going on the day she is off work. (we only changed the day this week because of something for her)

I make it all about me.
Everything is all about me (I do nothing for me)

I am not allowed to be disappointed that I am not going to see Nan because I have complained about something Nan has done in the past when frustrated.

I should not be disappointed at missing the days out she has decided she will not go out which I was looking forward to if that day out was for her originally.

I should just go out and leave her and I am awful and guilt tripping and blaming her for not being able to go out and leave her, I am making her feel guilty for ruining my life by her being disabled.
.
and finally I am a cunt apparently.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 13/03/2023 15:14

She's abusive, you need to offload her elsewhere - supported accommodation or similar.
This isn't a healthy relationship

PennyForearm · 13/03/2023 15:17

She is now in her room doing what she wants to do and I am sat here annoyed.

So go out and leave her. I can’t understand why you won’t?

You’re sat in two different rooms, she’s doing her own thing.

Go out. Start with 15-20 minutes. Sounds like this whole “can’t be left alone at home” is another controlling tactic by her.