To ask which one of us is being unreasonable?

[Tiredautistic]

Dd is an adult with some disabilities and I am her carer, I also work from home.
Each weekend my dd works at a disability friendly job, usually Saturday afternoon and a few hours on Sundays. She is off Monday and Tuesdays so has those days at home entirely as her 'weekend' and at college other days. If she is home then I have to be home due to her needs. She will not access disability or respite services.

Dd hates going to my Nans, nothing has happened and they do a lot for her but she is an adult and she just does not want to go which I understand. I have to go as Nan is alone and needs help now and also I WANT to go as I do not see anyone the other days of the week and am stuck home alone most of the time so I usually go Saturday and come home Sunday when she is at work. DD meets me after work, comes to Nans and goes to work Sunday morning from there so she is only at my Nans from 6pm on Saturday to Sunday morning.
Every week dd kicks off about this. She does not want to go, she does not see why I have to go every weekend. I have told her I will just go for the day instead of overnight on Saturdays while she is in work so she does not have to go, she has refused this also as she does not want to look bad to my Nan so instead she comes, moans all Friday night about it and then sits at my Nans being moody and is often rude, she makes comments that ill smells (I have cleaned it myself and sits with her jumper over her nose which upsets my Nan).

I am fed up of this. I have tried to make a solution around this that works for her but she is not interested, she wants me not to go and her not to go basically.
She does this all the time, if we are planning to go out somewhere she often decides she does not want to go (often after agreeing and paying for somewhere) and she just digs her heels in refusing to go which means I cannot go either.

Due to circumstances relating to something she wanted we were meant to see my Nan this morning instead of the weekend, I worked over the weekend instead to free up for today, she has kicked off about it again because she wants time at home (fair enough) but this means I will have to ring Nan as to why we cannot come and I will now be stuck entirely in the house until next weekend which will have been two weeks since I have seen anyone other than her as I am either working or with her.

She is now in her room doing what she wants to do and I am sat here annoyed.

AIBU to feel she is being a little bit selfish or am I a horrible person?

Definitely go to SS and say you can’t cope. She’s dictating what you do

Oh OP, this sounds like a very trying situation. You say she works in a supported setting so my guess is although she is an adult she does not necessarily have the mental capacity of an adult? If that is the case, then I think it affects the options you give her and the meaning of her words. For example, I would respond to angry words said by a 15 yr old very differently to if they were said by a 25 yr old. Also, if your DD fully understands consequences, insisting on respite care and, if she refuses it, leaving her at home alone would be an option I would consider.

She said all that and called you a cunt? She sounds like an absolute bitch.

Penny she has high level support needs. It is not just a case of leaving her and building up time or I would have done that long before. When she moves out it will be to supported living, she will not live independently.

Are there any respite services that could come to your home while you go? X

What are the plans for her moving to “independent” living, ie somewhere that isn’t your home? Supported living is expensive so expect a fight but it sounds like your relationship will break down if she lives with you indefinitely. As well as a carers assessment tell SS you want her to move to supported accommodation and start that ball rolling.

In the mean time stop planning things for her enjoyment - she doesn’t go and presumably you end up out of pocket. Can you find things for you to enjoy in the time you don’t have her with you? In terms of your Nan, I’d pull back on staying overnight, could you spend the day there, your daughter comes there after work and you both go home that evening?

Contact SS (or whichever team are dealing with this) and get the ball rolling for whatever supported living situation there is to be in place for her.

You're being domestically abused and bullied, it's unacceptable and you don't have to live like this, disability or no disability.

A close friend used to work in a facility for assisted living and she always said that the saddest cases were the clients who had been at home all their lives and then in middle age had all the upheaval of moving out.
You will be doing your daughter a massive favour if you start the eviction process to get her into her own space now. Yes she will massively kick off and call you every name under the sun, because of course she would much rather everything stay the same and have her personal slave accommodate her every demand.
Her disability does not trump your entitlement to your own life.

You poor thing. You are a carer for two people, and you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. You must be at the end of your tether.

It is sad to say, but not all those needing care will be nice to their carers, they will often refuse other care opportunities offered, and will insist that their family member has to do it. They can also be very manipulative in how they go about it.

You are not under a legal obligation to provide care, and you can say 'enough is enough'. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

She needs to get used to an alternative carer. What happens if you go in hospital, go on holiday or die.
Its not healthy to be so dependent.
I’d explore it now then she can get used to it with your support rather than a crisis situation.

Supported living sounds like best solution.

She definitely needs to move out into some sort of supported accommodation, both for your well being and hers. I don't know what sort of options are open to you, particularly if cost is a factor, but I would be working hard to get something in place as soon as possible.

Remember - Parental love is unconditional. Parental support is not.

You’ve brought her to adulthood, now you need help.

As others have said you are being controlled and manipulated by your daughter and I hope ss give you some help soon it sounds unbearable.
There's a helpline here might help
https://www.riseuk.org.uk/get-help/about-domestic-abuse/child-to-parent-abuse
you unload some of the things you've going through while you wait for practical help.

This sounds so hard. I also have an adult DC with disabilities but they can be left alone for period of time (not overnight). It’s certainly not as easy as telling them they must conform and do as you wish. You have a situation where your DD is an adult with adult wishes (I’m guessing she would like to be independent in some form?) but is probably frustrated and scared in parts. This then comes out as anger and sullenness, and the person she lashes out at is you. You must be exhausted. Going to her Nans probably feels like something she’s outgrown (although she’s acting like a young child when she’s there). I agree with others regarding supported accommodation. Initial enquiries can be initiated by you and DD could be bought in slowly to the idea. I’ve just started this process with mine.
Additionally, check out any carer’s facilities in your area. I used to get free treatments as part of the local carers package. I imagine it changes in different parts of the country. Wishing you all the best.