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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take teen along for her brothers birthday

30 replies

Sadbadt · 13/03/2023 10:40

I have a huge age gap. One is a teenager and one is a toddler. My toddler has a birthday soon and we have planned a day out at a place aimed at toddlers. I was discussing booking the tickets and my teen turned her nose up and said she would rather not go along. she said she would rather stay home while we go and come for food after.

There is nothing for her to do there but i also dont want her to be left out of family celebrations. One friend of mine said i should leave her at home no point paying an arm and a leg for something she will get nothing from, then my other friend is shocked i would even consider it. What would you do

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 13/03/2023 10:41

Just do a birthday thing at home for your toddler and teen, its fine 🙂

Beamur · 13/03/2023 10:42

I would have the day out with your toddler and have food afterwards with the teen - as she has suggested.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/03/2023 10:43

Teen sounds very sensible. Her plan is a good one.

Mrsjayy · 13/03/2023 10:43

Sorry I didn't read properly, yes let her meet you for food after.

Leeds2 · 13/03/2023 10:45

I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving your teen behind in the circumstances. You have asked her, and she doesn't want to go. Lovely for everyone to meet up for food afterwards.

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 13/03/2023 10:45

I agree with your teen.

Zola1 · 13/03/2023 10:47

I think plenty of teenagers with a big sibling age gap tend to skip the kids party/day out, it's normal and it'd save you the money since she doesn't want to go. It'd be different if you had told her she wasn't welcome, but you have invited her and shes said no thanks but why don't we do X so we can still celebrate together. She sounds like a great kid!

Badbudgeter · 13/03/2023 10:47

I have a much narrower gap but still the 12 yo doesn’t want to come and hang out with bc a bunch of 7yo. We do a family birthday dinner. Cake / candles/ presents. Separate shindig for friends.

Shmithecat2 · 13/03/2023 10:47

Leave her home, go out to eat after.
Daughter is sensible.
Friend 1 is smart.
Friend 2 is not.

PuttingDownRoots · 13/03/2023 10:47

Would you take a toddler to a theatre show or a restaurant or a bar for their teenage siblings birthday party?

Its not age appropriate. They've chosen not to go. Its fine.

Original poster
Sadbadt · 13/03/2023 10:49

I do just feel guilty it feels like i’m leaving her out, i understand she’s said she doesnt want to go and usually when i go to any toddler things she doesnt want to go and i’m fine with it. Just seems as its a birthday i feel guilty!

OP posts:
SalmonEile · 13/03/2023 10:50

Would the toddler notice or question why she’s not there?
Are other friends and family coming?
Would she be able to “help” with the day out - push the toddler on the swings , take photos or whatever?

I think if there’s genuinely nothing to do for her joining for food/cake afterwards is a good compromise

Original poster
Sadbadt · 13/03/2023 10:52

Just my partner is coming, she’s such a good big sister and i know she would enjoy him enjoying the day. It would be boring fast so I understand her looking forward to having the house alone playing sims

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 13/03/2023 10:55

If it’s a case of you ‘leaving her out’ then that’s ridiculous. She’s literally told you she doesn’t want to go. I would feel a little sad that she couldn’t make the effort for one day for her sibling though. I’ve got 3 who are completely different ages, and they wouldn’t dream of missing out on making a fuss of their brother/sisters, even if it does involve an older teenager chasing a bunch of siblings round soft play for a few hours

BigusBumus1 · 13/03/2023 11:00

Let your teen decide. She sounds sensible and won't feel left out to stay at home.

furryfrontbottom · 13/03/2023 11:02

I can't see any point in taking a teenager to a toddler-centred activity, she will be bored.

DelurkingAJ · 13/03/2023 11:04

I have a much smaller age gap and am currently working up to asking one of DS1’s friend’s Mum if DS1 can go to them (slightly too young to be home alone for three hours) for the duration of DS2’s 7th birthday party. It’s DS1’s idea of utter misery so why would I inflict it on him. Meal afterwards is an excellent compromise.

OrigamiOwls · 13/03/2023 11:05

I agree with your teen on this one.

Smartiepants79 · 13/03/2023 11:06

The only reason I’d suggest she went is if her sibling will miss her.
other than that, what she has suggested is perfect.

PeekAtYou · 13/03/2023 11:06

Your teen is right - it will be boring for her.

BendingSpoons · 13/03/2023 11:08

Leave her at home. If for your DDs birthday she wants to go ice skating or rock climbing or to the cinema you may well leave your toddler behind.

purpleboy · 13/03/2023 11:09

Will the toddler want her there?

I've a 10 year age gap and my eldest wants to be a part of everything regardless of how "boring" it may seem because she loves her little sister and wants her to be happy. She puts her own sister happiness before her own especially for birthdays.

I'd feel a bit sad if my eldest was refusing to go because it's boring but the toddler wanted her there.

Whichwhatnow · 13/03/2023 11:09

I think your teen has the right idea. Much as I adore my nieces and nephews I can't think of much worse than spending the day at Peppa Pig World or whatever, and I'm a fully grown adult! It's not 'being left out' if it's something you don't want to do 😄. Plus she'll still be joining for food (after what I imagine will be a thoroughly enjoyable day for her of lounging around on her own at home and doing whatever she wants!).

lazycats · 13/03/2023 11:10

Let her stay home if you know she won't have a good time. Huge age-gaps are always going to throw up these scenarios and no-one will benefit if you force it.

Precipice · 13/03/2023 11:10

There's no point to her going. The idea that she joins the meal after but skips the toddler fun is the best one.

It would be sad and not very nice to leave her out of the meal celebrations afterwards, but most toddler activities aren't geared for participation by anyone older (adolescent/adult).