to not want to acknowledge work colleagues' birthdays, never mind contribute to a collection?

[Toddlerone]

I am part of a team at work. We all get on just fine but I don't consider any of them my friends. We never socialise. There's about 12 of us, with other 'satellite' members. Within the team, there's a couple of stronger friendships and they do things outside of work. This bothers me zero.

I like that we've never done the whole whip round for birthdays to get flowers/card for the birthday person. I mean for starters we would be doing it constantly. But also, for me specifically, I hate it because I am an introvert, but also my birthday falls on a holiday and it's always been ignored.
In previous teams I have found myself contributing throughout the year, only to have my own birthday ignored because it falls in the holidays.

Anyway, to the point.

Recently a member of the team who has a strong friendship with another whose birthday is coming up, has emailed us all to say that she's going to get her a gift (don't want to say what it is because it might be outing but it will not be less than £100) and that it would be nice to do a collection (with the disclaimer of 'no obligation of course'). This has annoyed me a bit. I feel that there shouldn't be exceptions.

If there's an agreement that we do this as a team, I would go along with it, grudgingly, but I would.

However, why should it happen but some but not others?

I also feel that it's inappropriately expensive for work colleagues and in the current climate it is actually in bad taste.

I also feel that the person organising this is doing it for self gratification and to get attention for how lovely they are, and also for someone to do the same for them when the time comes. Or am I an utter bitch?

That is annoying. If they’re close with the person why not just buy something themselves for say £30 or chip in together with one or two or people they know are similarly close in the workplace?

It’s like they want to get them something big but don’t want to fork out for it themselves so they’re roping others in . It’s highly inappropriate considering they don’t do it for others and I’d consider saying something about it.

people whose birthdays haven’t been acknowledged in the same way are being ask to contribute about a tenner to this one person. Kind of sets up a hierarchy in work about who is more important!

Personally I don’t chip in for the numerous collections at work (new flat/weddings/birthdays/new babies ) except farewell ones because no one knows my birthday and I wouldn’t disclose if I ever went off to get married so it would be a case of constant giving without receiving anything back. And yeah I know you don’t give to receive but at the same time I have others in my personal life including former colleagues I’m genuinely close to that I’d rather spend on.

She's organising this because she's particular friends with this person - and there might well be an element of what you say about self-gratification, too. I think the best thing you can do is ignore the collection - it's up to others if they want to take part and get into a reciprocal birthday collection cycle - you don't have to.

If asked directly, just say 'I wish Susan a happy birthday, but I won't be taking part in any team birthday collections and don't want one done for me.'

YANBU to not wish to contribute, but YABU to not wish someone a happy birthday on their birthday. That's just ungracious and grumpy.

can I work with you @Sshiamreading ? currently suffering a bridezilla who keeps chuntering on about wedding plans in a years' time.

We have a kitty essentially in work. Everyone opts in or out and pays £20 in at the start of the year and then any flowers etc are sent out of that kitty. But it's not for bdays just bereavements, illnesses, weddings, babies etc.

Reply to all…
”Wishing her a happy birthday but I can’t afford to contribute to everyone’s birthday (after all, there are x of us), so I won’t be participating in this new scheme, nor, of course, do I expect something.”

then watch as one after the other drops out…

you’re welcome to 😂 Good luck with the bridezilla, her collection wouldn’t be getting a penny out of me 😄

I think I'd send a very friendly reply saying, hope she'll have a great birthday, but I think with cost of living issues it's not a good idea for us to start collecting for everyone's birthdays. It's a big team and that would be a lot of pressure. People can feel awkward about not contributing. Would you mind just arranging anything you do as her friend privately?

At my work only certain staff get birthday cards / gifts.

Think I got flowers when my mum died. Also got flowers on birthday.

It literally depends if someone can be bothered to do a collection! It's also never more than a couple of pounds.

It's a small ish team with 10 of us.

I like the email from another poster. Just send it.

I've never understood making a big fuss over a grown person's birthday. Sure, if close family and friends want to celebrate, fine - work colleagues? Silly.

Love @Mangledrake 's suggestion, but I'd leave out any reference to finances personally. Even if people could easily afford it why should they be pressured into contributing?

For milestone birthdays and life events a collection is ok, but for general birthdays then no . I find the more popular someone is the more generous the giving

Your colleague wants to get her friend a £100 gift, but either can’t afford it or doesn’t want to spend that much herself, so wants you lot to all chip in. Cheeky fucker.

I’d go with the email a PP suggested, and once you’ve sent that I can guarantee others (if you reply to all) will follow your lead.

Write back and say that you don’t think it’s appropriate to collecting for colleagues’ birthdays now when everyone is already under the pump financially - especially as it would mean that everyone it’s going to happen for EVERYONE’S birthday if she starts and that is going to cause resentment.

Unless you are a Jehovah's Witness who don't celebrate any birthdays, I think you should wish someone a happy birthday.

Just ignore the email, that's what I would do.

Just say no sorry- cost o living

Was going to suggest the same approach, this what I would do.

I'd say to them what you have said here, focusing on fairness to the entire team and inclusivity.

If she wants to get her mate a gift then she can, but it shouldn't be a work thing.

I didn't mind wishing people a happy birthday and contributing to a present when I worked in a small, close-knit team but I now work for a bigger organisation and I ignore birthday collections, collections for people who are leaving for a new job or sponsorship requests for people who sign up for charity events. I barely know these people and frankly I don't have any money to waste.

This came up at our place - someone in the office tried to organise a whip-round for another's 50th but the boss put a stop to it as we don't do it for everyone. If people want to do their own private small-group thing for specific friends, that's one thing, but not a bit communal gift/card/flowers/banners/balloons stuff.

I would reply to all;
Given the current cost of living crisis and the number of people in out team I think that this is an inappropriate time to start celebrating team birthdays with gifts.
Continuing with our usual practice of verbal good wishes is adequate & appropriate for work colleagues.

Where I work birthdays were quite an easy affair, the person whose birthday it was brought in cakes/savoury snacks and we bought them a card.

Since a couple of new staff came on board they took it upon themselves to buy birthday person a cake, blow up balloons, buy a bottle, card etc!

When it was my birthday I said I’d stick with tradition and I’d bring in cakes etc. Thankfully it now seems to have reverted back to how it used to be.

The reason why I wanted this to revert back is, sexist as this might sound, there are far less female members of staff than male, who do you think it would fall too, faffing about buying cakes, balloons etc on each person’s birthday, the females amongst us! So no, I might sound like a miserable fucker but tough!

In one place where I worked, if it was your birthday then you brought sticky buns in. No collections.

My work, just do a birthday card

For big birthdays we chip in a few quid if we want

It seems much easy, without having the fuss,

I agree, send a "reply all" saying that you wish the colleague a happy birthday, but you don't think now is a good time to be asking people to contribute to gifts, and you won't be contributing.

Or, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, then raise it with your team lead making the points:

-People could feel pressured to join in.
-It creates a disparity between team members if it's done for some and not for others.
-People who are new to the team might feel upset if they feel their birthday has been "ignored".

Any sensible boss will agree that you can't do for one what wouldn't be done for all, and put a stop to it!