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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my baby?

42 replies

Nobodytellsmenothin · 12/03/2023 02:37

So I’m a FTM, my DD is 2 and half weeks old and I am EBF which wasn’t the easiest starts but hubby supports me and we want to continue breastfeeding as long as possible. His mum lives a few hours away and is so wonderful, I am genuinely truly lucky with my MIL, she has helped us financially, physically,
emotionally, she is truly very fab and I appreciate her for everything she does for us.
Before baby was born she told me her present to me was a spa day once baby was here, so we could go and stay with her and both hubby and I could go off to a spa. This is my idea of heaven but not so much hubby’s, I am very grateful but it probably won’t happen for quite some time.
She is coming to visit in a couple of weekends and stay with us, she has already dropped a few hints on our group chat about maybe hubby and I could go on a date night and go for a meal whilst she has baby. I know her heart is totally in the right place but I don’t feel ready to leave my baby at all and I’m getting anxious just having that discussion with her and having to tell her no. I don’t want to tell her no but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DD just yet, how do I discuss this with her without upsetting her?!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 12/03/2023 02:40

Just tell her what you've put here, you're not ready yet. If she's as lovely as you say, she'll understand.

TheSandgroper · 12/03/2023 02:46

You just say “No thank you, not now”. That’s all. Your baby is outside your uterus now but is still attached. Right now, you focus on your baby and nothing else. This is the time of your life where you will deeply want to exclude almost everything else and that’s just fine. I remember that time well.

I informed my dh firmly once to not mess with my biology because it was running rampant. He took the message well. If MIL pushes back, refer her to your dh.

Congratulations on your squishy. I’m sure it’s gorgeous.

Magenta82 · 12/03/2023 02:47

Tell her thank you but you aren't ready yet. If she is lovely she will understand.

Pollywoddles · 12/03/2023 02:47

Easy, you’re feeding and you’re not ready to leave the baby.

You don’t need to make excuses you know? You’re a mother now, you don’t need to justify your choices. Just tell her that you’re not ready to leave the baby yet, job done surely?

Dalooah · 12/03/2023 03:02

I'd suggest that maybe you plan a potential date in 9/10 months time when baby will be feeding less, eating food and genuinely will be far easier for your mother in law to look after.

Having said that, spas and places usually say you have to be at least 6 weeks post partum and had your 6-8 week check before you can have a massage etc. so if you wanted something quick and easy to put it off for now, I'd say this.

There is literally nothing wrong with not wanting to leave baby, aside from the fact that EBF means you physically can't for a couple of hours max at this age. Don't worry about standing up for your baby.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 03:07

Of course you're not ready to leave your baby. Don't beat around the bush. "That sounds lovely, but that will have to wait. I'll let you know when the time is right."

Boringcookingquestion · 12/03/2023 03:28

Don’t make it a big deal, there’s no need to have a big discussion about it.

Next time she hints just say something like “oh, I’m sure we’ll be biting your hand off for a date night when she’s older! I don’t feel ready to be away from her yet but thank you for offering”.

Then move the conversation to something nice like how much you’re looking forward to taking the baby to the park with her (or whatever you have planned/think you’ll all enjoy).

callthataspade · 12/03/2023 03:45

She sounds awesome. You have a great relationship with her. She probably just thinks she's being nice.

She's been a mum. Just say what you've said here. She probably thought you could do with a pamper and even better that she can help with childcare

Don't stress about it. Just tell her you're really looking forward to the spa day when you're feeling up to it.

(And belated congratulations!)

beachpearl · 12/03/2023 03:49

callthataspade · 12/03/2023 03:45

She sounds awesome. You have a great relationship with her. She probably just thinks she's being nice.

She's been a mum. Just say what you've said here. She probably thought you could do with a pamper and even better that she can help with childcare

Don't stress about it. Just tell her you're really looking forward to the spa day when you're feeling up to it.

(And belated congratulations!)

That sounds like good advice. Mil understands just say what you like and have the best relationship you can with her 😊

GoodVibesHere · 12/03/2023 05:28

Oh wow there's no way I was ready to leave my babies after just a few weeks! Absolutely no way.

LovingACountryBoy · 12/03/2023 05:39

Of course you’re not unreasonable. Just tell her, she sounds nice so I’m sure she will understand.

I left my first baby for a night out when he was about 8 weeks and only because it was for my partners work. I didn’t leave my second for a night out til she was about 8 months old. I don’t know many, any?, mums (or dads) that left their babies to have a night out when they were only a few weeks old.

LovingACountryBoy · 12/03/2023 05:41

*Or for a whole day,

Username24680 · 12/03/2023 05:42

Firstly, congratulations @Nobodytellsmenothin 😊 I hope you and baby are both doing well!

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your MIL 😊 I’d just tell her exactly what you’ve said here! “I really appreciate the offer but I’m absolutely not ready to be away from baby yet. Can I keep your offer and cash it in when the time feels right?” 😊

I’m sure if she’s lovely she’ll understand! FWIW, remember...this is your baby, your parenting journey, your rules...you don’t need to think up excuses 😊

NumberTheory · 12/03/2023 05:50

Just tell her it’s really, really kind of her to offer and you’re sure you’ll appreciate it at some point, but right now it’s just too early and you don’t wouldn’t enjoy a night away from your baby.

Maybe suggest a nice takeaway for all of you instead. Or, if it appeals and your home would accommodate, perhaps you could have a date night at home - your MiL with the baby in one room, you and DH having a takeaway as a candlelit dinner or pizza and a movie in another room. Then you can pop in any time you want a cuddle and you don’t have to worry that you are too far away if the baby needs you.

Nejnej2 · 12/03/2023 05:50

Lots of great advice above on how to deal with your MIL.

It's totally normal not to want to be separated from your baby at this stage - for some Mums they'll be ready in a couple of weeks and some Mums aren't ready to be separated until baby is much older (like over a year).

My son is 14 weeks old, and whilst I've been separated for a few hours occasionally, I wouldn't be ready to go for a full spa day or anything. So far my MIL and FIL have just taken him out the house for a walk in between feeds so I could nap, and then had him one evening so we could go out for our anniversary. That's still a max 2.5 hours apart !

Do what feels right for you

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2023 06:24

Maybe she didn’t breastfeed? Perhaps just reply it’s a lovely offer. You’ll see when she comes as right now you’re establishing your milk and want and need to be close to your baby at all times.

ohfook · 12/03/2023 07:46

She had a tiny baby once and will absolutely remember the feeling of not wanting to be away from them.

'Oh that's so kind but I'm not ready to leave baby yet' should do it. Then make sure you give her lots of chances to cuddle baby while she's there.

BritInAus · 12/03/2023 07:57

"aww thank you so much for the lovely offer. I'm sure it won't be long before we'll jump at the chance - but not ready to leave (name) just yet whilst she's still so tiny."

googledidnthelp · 12/03/2023 08:05

Just explain it's much appreciated and as soon as the time is right you'll cash in her offer

pbdr · 12/03/2023 08:24

Not unreasonable at all, nothing could have separated me from my baby at that stage. I didn't leave her with anyone other than her dad until she was over 1, that's what worked for us.

ittakes2 · 12/03/2023 08:59

You are over thinking things she can't read your mind - I would have jumped at the chance but its Ok you are not just tell her.

bumblebee1401 · 12/03/2023 09:02

I need a white noise machine that plays white noise constantly - no fading out/20 minute spells of sound.

Any recommendations would be helpful. Don't want to use phone as baby is moving to own room and I need it.

Thanks!

bumblebee1401 · 12/03/2023 09:02

Argh so sorry - meant to start own thread!

SpongeBob2022 · 12/03/2023 09:26

From your post it sounds like she genuinely has the best intentions and is trying to do something nice for you rather than one of those weird examples of a DM/MIL who wants the baby all to herself. Just say you're not ready and make sure your DH knows too. I don't think there needs to be any drama.

Everyone's different in terms of what they'd appreciate. She's probably going by how she felt when she had a newborn or something. And if she's descending on you for a weekend she probably feels like she wants to offer something in return. Personally I would have been fine away from my baby for a couple of hours but too knackered to bother with a meal out. I would have loved her to take baby for a long walk while I had a rest, or for her to stay home while I went for a quick trip to local coffee shop with DH or whatever. But that's just my personal preference.

If you need to say it now to stop feeling stressed and resentment building then say now and forget about it. But then see how you feel...a lot can change in a couple of weeks. And if you don't want to go out...be honest about what you do want, even if it's housework.

Username24680 · 12/03/2023 09:28

bumblebee1401 · 12/03/2023 09:02

Argh so sorry - meant to start own thread!

@bumblebee1401 🤣 I’ve managed to do this at times too! Have a look at the Hatch. It’s more expensive than a lot of others but it’s a noise machine and nightlight in one, you can programme it from your phone, change the colours and the noises etc and put it on a timer. We still use it for DS at 2.5years old 😊 It plugs in rather than recharging.