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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my baby?

42 replies

Nobodytellsmenothin · 12/03/2023 02:37

So I’m a FTM, my DD is 2 and half weeks old and I am EBF which wasn’t the easiest starts but hubby supports me and we want to continue breastfeeding as long as possible. His mum lives a few hours away and is so wonderful, I am genuinely truly lucky with my MIL, she has helped us financially, physically,
emotionally, she is truly very fab and I appreciate her for everything she does for us.
Before baby was born she told me her present to me was a spa day once baby was here, so we could go and stay with her and both hubby and I could go off to a spa. This is my idea of heaven but not so much hubby’s, I am very grateful but it probably won’t happen for quite some time.
She is coming to visit in a couple of weekends and stay with us, she has already dropped a few hints on our group chat about maybe hubby and I could go on a date night and go for a meal whilst she has baby. I know her heart is totally in the right place but I don’t feel ready to leave my baby at all and I’m getting anxious just having that discussion with her and having to tell her no. I don’t want to tell her no but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DD just yet, how do I discuss this with her without upsetting her?!

OP posts:

bussteward · 12/03/2023 09:32

Like you said, her heart is in the right place! Don’t be anxious about saying no – perhaps it’s the fact she’s hinting rather than opening the conversation directly that’s making you anxious about discussing it? But she might be doing that as a gently-gently approach to test the waters. Just tell her what you’ve told us: it’s too soon and you appreciate the offer, which you hope will still stand when you’re ready – whenever that may be! For some mothers it’s weeks, for some it’s months or years. No wrong answer.

doadeer · 12/03/2023 09:40

Just say you're so excited for her lovely offer but it needs to be in a few months. Perfectly normal to not leave a small baby

Potplant19 · 12/03/2023 09:48

I think lots of grandparents actually forget what a newborn baby is like - I know my mum did and would have loved to look after her for a few hours but the reality was just so different. Hopefully they can enjoy their visit and getting to know baby and build up to it over time - there will be a point when you will absolutely want to hand your baby over for a few hours, and they'll feel confident in doing so! The most helpful thing in the early days is help with everything else - cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Good luck and congratulations, sounds like you're doing amazingly

MeinKraft · 12/03/2023 09:58

YANBU, it's a bit soon. Do make sure you get out for little breaks though like a short walk or trip to the shop, when you can, it really helps to get you feeling like you again.

MeinKraft · 12/03/2023 09:58

bumblebee1401 · 12/03/2023 09:02

I need a white noise machine that plays white noise constantly - no fading out/20 minute spells of sound.

Any recommendations would be helpful. Don't want to use phone as baby is moving to own room and I need it.

Thanks!

Put an echo dot in the room, Alexa will play whatever white noise you like all night.

Bamboux · 12/03/2023 10:02

My mil started harassing me to go out for dinner and leave the baby with her when the baby was TWO DAYS OLD.

ShadowPuppets · 12/03/2023 10:04

Sounds like my (equally lovely!) DMIL. She offered from day 1 but made it clear it was there for us when we were ready. We worked up to it - we went to stay with her regularly and when DD was nine months we nipped out for a drink at the pub (10 mins walk away) when DD was down for the night. Then next time graduated up to a meal at the same pub. By the time DD was a year we managed a night away at a BnB in the same village and by 18 months a night away half an hour away. DMIL was lovely about it and kept the offers on the table but followed our lead - sounds like yours will do the same. Don’t overthink it! It’s probably just ages since she had a newborn and can’t remember the ‘pull’ quite as clearly :)

McGonagallshatandglasses · 12/03/2023 10:09

Welcome earthside to your little one.

It's ok. In a few weeks your baby will be double the age they are now. It's amazing what a difference that can make in almost everything.

And if your mil is as lovely as you are suggesting, she won't mind if you decide, even on the day, to stay home instead. Or ask her to go with you and bring the baby. Or if you go for a 20 minute walk instead of a 'date'.

Enjoy your baby.

89redballoons · 12/03/2023 10:10

She sounds so lovely - lucky you!

Perhaps as a compromise that you might both like, you and DH could have a "date night" at home so get a takeaway and watch a film, and MIL could sit and watch the baby in your/baby's room. That way you're still in the same house as your baby and MIL could bring her to you for a feed if needed, but you might also be able to spend a little bit of time not mentally 100% focused on DD as you know she has another loving caregiver watching her. Only suggest this if you feel like you'd enjoy it though.

PollyPut · 12/03/2023 10:10

"Thank you very much MIL but it is too early for me to go out. Pls can we delay your kind babysitting offer for a few months time instead?"

Good idea to set your boundaries now.

I'm with a PP who suggested that MIL watching baby for a bit during the day might be better than in the evening

RightOnTheEdge · 12/03/2023 10:17

Of course you are NBU your baby is still brand new!
If you MIL really is lovely she will understand.
Just explain that it's not that you don't trust her it's just that you are bf and you are not ready but that it's a very kind offer and you will really appreciate it and take her up on the offer when your baby is a bit older.

Original poster

Nobodytellsmenothin · 13/03/2023 01:39

We use the myHummy machine but I’ve also heard good things about Ewan the dream sheep?!

OP posts:

Ap42 · 05/05/2023 21:24

Just be straight with her, it sounds like her heart is in the right place and she will totally understand. Failing that, tell her you'd rather grab a takeaway and spend time with her, hubby and your baby.

Silveroriole · 16/07/2023 03:37

Spongebob, it's not necessarily weird to want some 1 to 1 time with a grandchild...I loved time alone with them.. easier to sing and say silly things and bond with them properly.
But of course only within the parents' comfort zone. No need to send them out of the house, either.

abmac95 · 16/07/2023 05:18

Perhaps she could take care of baby one evening and you and DP could watch a movie in bed. Like have a date night without going out. She gets to babysit but you are just upstairs if baby needs you.

Raindancer411 · 16/07/2023 05:32

Baby is going to still be feeding lots, so just kindly say we will at a later date but not right now as I am still getting the breastfeeding set up and not ready to leave baby, and it's going to be lovely to spend time with you as well.

Not sure what your supply is like as well, but going without expressing for a long period is very uncomfortable and can lead to issues for you.

FWIW, I have exclusively breastfeed two, and mine were on demand feed, and felt like they were always on me in the beginning.

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 05:33

Ahhhh she sounds lovely op! I would just say on the phone “it’s crazy isn’t it how you never want to be away from them at this age/can’t anyway with bf!”.

And tbh I think that’ll do it! Congratulations xxx

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