To expect 19yr dd to do her share of housework

[susiebgood72]

I am a mum to a 19yr old dd. She is currently unemployed. She parties all weekend and it takes her 3 days to recover. She pays 40 a week digs money. She does very little in the house... but cleans her bedroom. I work part time.. partner of 6 years.. not living together. I cook for him and dd 5 days a week. I feel like i am being taken for a ride by my dd. Aibu to expect dd to do more in the house?

Your partner bought a bed for the spare room? So you don’t share a bed when he stays over? I’m presuming that your partner and dd don’t get along if he has now stopped staying over?

Therealjudgejudy its the way it is.... how do you suggest i change it?

He bought the bed coz i had a double and he is used to a king size. If he stayed over then we would be in the king size. Since king size has went back to his then he hasnt stayed with me at mine.

Maybe when you are both in at the same time you sit down together and you lay some ground rules with her. About what you expect her to contribute financially and practically.

I have been there with her before she moved out...... she throws it back at me.

if she’s 19, she’s probably used to you doing it all. Most teenagers don’t suddenly morph into adults overnight, and think ‘let’s do some housework now I’m officially an adult’. I gave mine tasks to do on his day off - nothing much to start off with then increased it gradually. Eg clean bathroom, empty bin etc. Also encouraged him to cook a meal once a week.

Also slightly gibsmacked that partners uses you like a canteen and has he meals then leaves. I guess it’s one of those situations that has gradually arisen.

He does buy all the food shopping for the week... every week.

My partner buys me food shopping every week..... so i cook. He then goes home.

He has issues with her lifestyle. He is a quiet person and doesnt party or drink much... never drinks in the house.

My DS is having a year out from uni because he is disabled. He can't cook because standing up is impossible, but he feeds and entertains the cats, does laundry, keeps his room and the upstairs tidy and does his part in prepping dinner (chopping/peeling etc.). Everyone in your house should be doing more, except for you.

Update again... dp and i have parted.... still trying to get ny head round it....

I got married at 19. No longer with him but I didnt live my life for me then. I was a wife and I loved my husband. Too young and too many romantic ideas about life

With an adult daughter and long time separated, I am sorry you found yourself at 50-something plating up dinners for an erratic 19yo and a part time lover every night of the week when you’d finally come to a point that you could do your own thing guilt-free. And who was your DP to think his preference for a quiet life trumped your mother-daughter relationship? Sorry you are back at square one, but maybe you now can sit down with a cuppa and think about what YOUR life should look like, and how you’d like to spend your time.

Thank you...i think you just hit the naul on the head. 😁

I've nothing but encouragement... This is a good opportunity now to reconnect with DD and encourage more of an adult relationship. Really hope it all.goes OK. Why not plan a holiday with her but encourage her to work to pay her share.

It sounds hard right now OP but you now (maybe for the first time) have the chance to design your life as you would have it.

Not as a mum, not as a wife, not as a partner.

What do you want? How do you like to spend your time?