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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect 19yr dd to do her share of housework

67 replies

susiebgood72 · 11/03/2023 22:34

I am a mum to a 19yr old dd. She is currently unemployed. She parties all weekend and it takes her 3 days to recover. She pays 40 a week digs money. She does very little in the house... but cleans her bedroom. I work part time.. partner of 6 years.. not living together. I cook for him and dd 5 days a week. I feel like i am being taken for a ride by my dd. Aibu to expect dd to do more in the house?

OP posts:
MumOf2workOptions · 11/03/2023 23:33

susiebgood72 · 11/03/2023 23:10

I can see that jow I have written it down.... i am 50 and the thougjt of being single frankly scares me.

Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?
I'd rather be on my own than be some mans skivvy
You said he leaves within an hour of a meal so he isn't hanging round for your company is he??

You deserve better than this stop wasting your life

CurlsandCurves · 11/03/2023 23:43

So pleased you have seen the situation for what it is.

There are 3 adults in this house. All perfectly capable of pulling their weight and contributing. If they want to live there, they need to step up. Assuming you’re all fit and healthy, there’s no reason why this situation should continue.

Original poster
susiebgood72 · 11/03/2023 23:45

Thank you. I suppose i have known that for a long time but was scared to face the truth. 😥

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 11/03/2023 23:47

Sounds to me like you've just woken up and smelt the coffee!
This is more than your daughter dossing around (not so unusual for a 19 year old). Youre a middle aged woman with a boyfriend that does a dine and dash 5 nights a week. What happens at weekends? What fun are you having. What are you looking forward to? If it's sleep or next episode of a iTV drama....you need to think about what you want out of life.
That doesn't mean you have to get rid of everything good that you have, but I sense you want more than your daughter running round with the hoover.
Go for it!

Original poster
susiebgood72 · 11/03/2023 23:56

JudgeRudy you are right... i need to grow a set and get the pair of them told. Thank you. X

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 12/03/2023 00:15

So he pays for your DDs food? And is effectively subsidising her? That’s generous of h8m (even if he is a twunt as others have noticed)

I think your DDs got a really cushy deal.

all food, lodgings, council tax, heating, and wi-fi for only £40 a week? She’ll spend a lot more than that on a single night out. And you are going to have to start paying for your own shopping if you ditch the boyfriend.

Your DD is an adult. high time she started to take some responsibility for herself - cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen, doing laundry etc. her current lifestyle is not sustainable.

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 00:18

She should definitely do her own washing/ironing & help with general household stuff, I have a 16 yr old dd & she does that

OnaBegonia · 12/03/2023 00:21

i am 50 and the thougjt of being single frankly scares me.
It doesn't really sound like a relationship tbf, does he never stay? spend the night together? or just drop into the cafe then off home?

mamnotmum · 12/03/2023 06:44

My daughter is a similar age. She mostly uses home as a base. She'll come home - have a long bath, get changed, do her makeup, do her washing and 'chill' through the day. Often her room is a tip.

She usually leaves Mid afternoon so doesn't eat family meals on an evening and sleeps at her boyfriends most nights.

I can't get her to hold a job down or pay anything towards the house (she never has money) so you are one step ahead of me!

We've held the family meetings, explained it isn't ok, she must get a job, things must change but am yet to see this change! We feel we are constantly nagging.

Bananalanacake · 12/03/2023 08:42

Does she have any intention of getting a job, I mean, you must have asked her what career she wants to pursue.

Findyourneutralspace · 12/03/2023 09:21

It’s definitely a difficult age, the transition from child to adult. I have a DS who isn’t working. He’s waiting on an operation so is kind of limited but he could do more around the house and we lock horns over it regularly.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 12/03/2023 12:46

Sorry OP but I would mention that if it takes your DD three days to recover then I'd suggest she may be taking more than alcohol...

Sounds like coke or MDMA to me to have such a long recovery time.

ShinyMe · 12/03/2023 13:15

She's paying less in digs than she spends on a night out I bet.

cosmiccosmos · 12/03/2023 13:39

Why isn't your DD working?

mamnotmum · 12/03/2023 17:17

cosmiccosmos · 12/03/2023 13:39

Why isn't your DD working?

I'm guessing refusal to work? That's certainly the case in my house. You can't physically make them (much as you think you would/could)

aloris · 12/03/2023 17:35

Does your partner pay for all the food for everyone, or just a portion of the food? If he's paying for all the food eaten by everyone in the house then maybe it compensates you for cooking for him 5 nights a week (and he only comes over to eat and then goes home after an hour? Ok....). But if he's only paying for a portion of the food then he's still basically using you as a free cook.

Rainbowshit · 12/03/2023 17:45

My DC are 13 and 16. Since prior to covid we have each cooker one night midweek. They load and unload the dishwasher, hoover, clean the bathroom and put away clothes etc etc.

Your partner doesn't sound like much of a relationship...

Original poster
susiebgood72 · 20/03/2023 22:31

Its a shite situation to be in. My dd and I fell out tonight. I am still in the wrong.... she makes me feel like i am a totally useless mum. X

OP posts:
Original poster
susiebgood72 · 20/03/2023 22:33

She smokes green. What she drinks or takes at gigs i have no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
susiebgood72 · 20/03/2023 22:34

He pays for the whole weeks food shopping.

OP posts:
Original poster
susiebgood72 · 11/08/2023 00:47

Hey all.... thought an update would be a good.... daughter moved out.... great.. financially not so good but i was stress free. Partner and i talked about him moving in.... he bought a bed for the spare room..... he stayed over a few nights a week. DD has to come home. Bed went to partmers house to let daughter move back in. My house in a pig sty. 2 weeks and dd hasnt unpacked... boxes in living room... my bedroom and dds room is a riot. Dd has spent a week abroad at a festival... came home and dumped her stuff.... arghhhh... grrrrr .... HELP HELP HELP

OP posts:
HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 11/08/2023 00:54

"Daughter moved out ... great". She must be pretty desperate to have moved back in 🤔

Original poster
susiebgood72 · 11/08/2023 01:04

HangerLaneGyratorySystem yeah your right...... she struggled to afford to pay rent gas electric and all the other bills that come with being an adult. I told her that she would always have a home here. Plus she hates me as you seem to assume... why would she want to come HOME.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 11/08/2023 01:10

Why are you letting her disrespect you like this??

Original poster
susiebgood72 · 11/08/2023 01:14

I have no idea..... story of my life....

OP posts: