Absolute mess after having second baby.

[mzlk]

Hey

My second baby is currently 13 weeks and my first is 3 years old.

I can’t believe what I’ve done. I honestly can’t believe it. I have no idea why I thought this would be a good idea. My focus was just to give my daughter a sibling close in age because I didn’t have this.
In the process I have completely lost myself.

We used to live with my in laws so always had company/help.
Now we’ve moved out and I’m just struggling so much. I see people making it work by just cooking quick meals etc but I’m unable to function. I cannot cook or do anything.
my second is an even more difficult baby than my first. Which I didn’t think was possible.
She only sleeps on me day or night. Occasionally at night I can put her down in bed next to me. But in the day, never.

My life was so fun just before I had my second, me and my daughter always had plans. And now being stuck at home all day, it’s horrible. I’m SO bored. The thought of doing this for the next year or 2 makes me cry everyday.

I don't drive so that doesn’t help as I can’t take them out.

Currently have a chest infection and literally cry whenever baby cries because I don’t have my energy back yet.

on top of all of this post partum just comes with so many little health issues I’m fed up!! Right now my yellow lochia still hasn’t stopped 13w pp.

feeling so overwhelmed.

really in need of some encouragement and how to cope?!

Learn to drive. I was in your situation and it changed my life.

Second learning to drive. Maybe pnd at play too.

Have you got local family/friends you can reach out to, and say that you're struggling?
You're not well, it's early days, baby isn't settling - you need some help and support - don't be afraid to admit that and ask for it. Can someone come round and look after the kids for a couple of hours so you can have a nap and a nice relaxing bath/shower. Even if friends are working, could they drop you off the odd meal?

It WILL get better - when you're more recovered and the weather picks up you'll be able to get out of the house which will make a big difference. You might not think it, but just a walk improves things no end - for all three of you. Does the baby sleep in the pram? Have you tried that yet?
Are there any groups near you?

Do you have a sling? I think it sometimes takes some experimenting to find what design works for you, but it's one way of keeping the baby close and still being able to do things.

Put the baby in the sling during the day if they'll only nap on you. Hands free and they're likely to have a nice long nap too. It's the only way I managed the early weeks/months with two young kids and trying to manage household chores and giving the oldest some attention.

(Right now is probably not the moment to learn to drive - you haven't got the mental energy for it. I didn't learn to drive until DD was in school - we did lots locally, and used buses. If you have less available locally, then maybe it's something to consider, but not until you're getting enough sleep.)

I have the same gap but can give you some encouragement from the other side of it so to speak. It does get better.

At the moment you are ill and that makes it a million times worse. The weather has been crap and not getting out makes everything feel a million times worse. For me it got easier at about six months when I had got into a bit of a routine and baby was a bit less glued to my chest, mine were terrible sleepers until one year but I promise it gets better.

Things I found helped Include:
A sling gave me more freedom to do more stuff with the older one, mine was a very clingy baby.
Getting out every morning by ten.
Having an excuse or goal for said getting out, e.g going to wave at trucks on the motorway bridge. Going to shop for milk.
Kids love buses so a bus journey to town, get a milkshake, come back.
Doing low energy but kid fun activities like making a den out of bed sheets.
Joining a baby class if there's one in your area?

Cooking wise, eat picnic teas of cold meat and salad, sandwiches with oven chips, two minute tortellini etc. If you can summon the energy to slow cook a big amount of mince at once it can be Bolognese one night, chilli wraps the next, on a potato the next.

Remember the goal is to get through it, don't pressure yourself!

Definitely learn to drive when you feel able! Second a sling too, I’ve got several friends with babies like yours who said it was a life saver, just having the use of both hands again. You’ve got a really tricky age gap but this is the hardest bit! Keep going!

Firstly OP dont compare yourself to others, I know you dont specifically say you are comparing, I am just going on the "I know do it by" comment. Do you have anyone you can reach out to for help? Even if they just take the DC for a couple of hours to let you get some sleep?
Don't worry if you can't cook every night, just do some sandwiches etc and have a mini picnic in the front room as long as you hit the different food groups I really wouldn't worry.
Also I would talk to a doctor as it sounds like there might be some PND at play here.
Most mothers get through it because they have too OP, it does get easier.

Just babywearing.

I second all the other posts but also wanted to add that yellow lochia at 13 week pp is not normal and you may have an infection - please get seen by a GP, if you have an infection that will not be helping your energy levels on top of everything else.

be kind to yourself, this bit is really hard but it does get better. You can do this.

Does your husband help and if not, why not?

Can you go to a local sling library and find one that works for you so baby can be worn on you all day? It'll free your hands to make dinner / be there for your toddler. Don't be hard on yourself, it's about surviving right now. My second is 6 weeks, my first 2.5 years and before second was born, I cooked every night. Now it's very much, a bit pot of spaghetti and shove pesto on it, or freezer food like fish fingers with chopped up tomatoes and cucumber on this side and a slice of bread with cream cheese. Quick easy meals. It's ok to just get through the days right now.
Even getting out for a walk will help, OP. Baby in the sling, tell your toddler to see how many leaves / pine cones they can collect. It only has to be half an hour right now.
I bought colouring books, sticker books to do with toddler while baby sleeps in my lap, and we use the telly more than we used to too.
It'll get easier. My first was a hard baby, we've been lucky with the second but I know how hard it is with a difficult baby. Just remember, it'll pass!

thank you for the helpful advice

sorry I forgot to mention that I do use a sling and she used to nap really well in there but now just seems to wake up after 30 mins every time. I end up having to just get comfortable in bed or on the sofa and put her on my chest to get her to nap.

id say I’m getting a decent amount of sleep because my husband helps with holding her
before work and after work he takes baby from me which is great.

i think the thought of this being my life for a while really consumes me and makes me not want to do anything?

Also about my yellow lochia, I’m currently on antibiotics for my chest infection and have been on other antibiotics for mastitis before - it’s still not stopped the bleeding. I’ll see if it stops after this course of antibiotics.
I don’t have any other signs of infection.
Has anyone else experienced this?

@mzlk I had the same feeling when me second arrived, same age gap and same time of year. I had also just moved house and I can remember sitting on the floor sobbing, surrounded by boxes and not knowing anyone in our new area. I promise you it won't be long till you feel back to your old self. Newborns are so exhausting but they grow quickly and it will get easier. For now just rely on TV and ready meals if it gets you through. Once the weather is warmer you will get out more and little one will be bigger and a lot more interactive and fun.

Mine are now 10 and 13 but I have thousands of photos of the fun we all had together when they were little. Hang in there!

It is going to improve, they are going to both grow soon.....Prayers

This will not be your life forever. Your baby will be a sitting, crawling, walking talking little bundle of fun before you know it. It's just such a shift from the ease of a 3 year old back to a newborn and not nearly the novelty it was first time round.

This. You need to baby wear.
Also second the driving asap

Is your DP doing his share?

Definitely learn to drive OP.

It all feels so overwhelming whilst you're in the middle of it. Our age gap is a little bit smaller, and second DC was born in peak lockdown so it felt like one long drawn out nightmare with the days and nights rolling into one. It absolutely gets easier. Ours are 4 and 2 now and are an absolute joy, never felt happier.

Practically, where can you get to in walking distance? Is there a park? You need to commit to getting yourself out of the house at least once a day, no matter what. If that's 5 mins in the garden, it's better than nothing.

This was me a couple of months ago! Does your oldest go to nursery? She'll be eligible for free hours so even a couple of mornings a week would help you maybe?
Definitely a sling- even if the baby only likes it for a short time that's enough to play with the eldest (kids will play independently for longer after a bit of playing with an adult) or to stick some pasta on

It's still hard but getting easier (o say as I've just leaked milk through my hoodie... Oh the glamour)

Also... With food. I appreciate this is a more expensive option so maybe not for everyone but I like those prepacked microwave mixed veg bags. 3 minutes in the microwave and everyone's getting nutrients without the need for chopping! Ditto frozen veg etc. I know it's not environmentally friendly so I do feel guilty

You don't need advice. You're doing everything that you should be.

The universal "oh a sling will change your life" or "learn to drive" like it's THAT simple around time and finances.

You're doing it - you're allowed to feel shit and overwhelmed. Sometimes just accepting that goes a long way in being able to manage.

You're also allowed not to enjoy this part. With my third, that I thought was going to be a wonderful amazing experience, was fucking hell on earth.

But now DC3 is 2 and yeah it's knackering but it just works and one day very soon you'll look back on this phase and think, yeah it was shit but look how much easier it is now.

You'll get there - just hang on.

I've got similar age gap right now. No great advice except to say staying in the house kills me, can you go anywhere, local shops? Can people visit? Makes such a difference to see people/have some company.

Antibiotics vary, ones prescribed for chest infections and mastitis wouldn’t necessarily be the same ones you’d need so you need to be seen sooner rather than later. Don’t want to finish your current course. If an infection takes hold, you could end up in hospital.

I feel you OP, I found the first 3 months with a 2 year old and newborn utterly exhausting and isolating.I had all the same
thoughts as you, I was overwhelmed and with limited family support. My baby girl is now 7 months old and it’s already much easier as she can play on her mat for a time. DC interact so well together now, you will know this joy soon.

Here’s how I survived the first few months:
*Toddler goes to nursery in the week
*Let toddler watch a cartoon while you put baby to bed
*Quick, easy meals with leftovers potential (bung a roast chicken in the oven, serve with microwaveable potatoes, tin of peas. Then the next day use the leftover chicken to make fajita wraps)
*Support from DH
*Chatting with friends who’ve been there and got through the other side
*planning nice outings at the weekend to break the routine

You're in the thick of it right now, there’s no denying it’s bloody hard work. You’re ill and having to stay in because of the rubbish weather. This is temporary. Focus on getting through day to day as you are, it will get better.