Is this being a hypocrite?

[againandagain1000]

I'm due to see a friend this weekend. My friend keeps messaging to change the time and venue which is making me quite anxious as it's somewhere I haven't been before so ideally I want to know the plans in advance.
I've said to my partner I'm feeling a bit anxious because the plans keep changing.

Friend has then said they're going to arrive at the venue early and might eat before I get there, which again I am a bit upset about as when I arrive, my friends would have already eaten. (I can't get there earlier due to work so I'll arrive an hour after them).

My partner then said 'your friend is out of order. Are they really that fat that they can't wait for you? (Then paused) No they're not so why can't they wait?'

I told my partner I don't like that comment and there's no need to mention weight at all in this.

Partner is now annoyed with me saying I'm a hypocrite for not calling out my friends behaviour but I'm calling DP out on not liking that comment.

Partner is really upset with me and has said 'now I'm the bad guy in this. Thanks a lot. You're a hypocrite calling me out on what I've said when you won't say anything to your friend about their shitty behaviour'.

Is this me being a hypocrite?

He shouldn’t of commented on their weight but he’s correct your friend is out of order to keep messing you about

I wouldn’t use the term “hypocrite” for this but I do understand his frustration. He has to listen to you whinge about something whilst refusing to stand up for yourself. That must be frustrating for him. Then he says something bad about her and you turn on him, perfectly happy to call him out. His comment, whilst not exactly a work of linguistic beauty, was said in solidarity with you and you took her side! It’s incredibly annoying listening to someone complain about something they’re refusing to do anything about - it’s even more annoying when they make it impossible for you to say anything because they’ll defend the other side to the death.

Would you have preferred he said “FGS strap on a pair and call her out”?

I think he’s probably pissed off by the “I’m too much of a shrinking violet to call people out” attitude that applies to everyone except for him.

I wouldn't call you hypocrite exactly, but I do understand why he's upset that you won't speak to them about them treating you badly, but will object to him saying something unpleasant about them, especially when it came from a place of supporting you.

I'd cancel and go out for lunch somewhere nice with him.

If he wouldn't have said the same if they were male, then I wouldn't have said anything. However as someone overweight, I would have an issue. It's the greddy pig connotation. It isn't being a hypocrite.

That's what DP said 'I'm trying to stick up for you'. But I felt upset about it because I didn't like my friend, or anyone being called fat.
I used to have an eating disorder which I've been battling with lately. DP has been supportive and has said I need to help with this etc. which has been good. So hearing DP saying that struck a chord.

I can see what you're all saying, that DP was trying to be supportive in some way.
And I can also see the frustration that I'm not calling my friend out too.

Your DP was out of order to bring weight into it. If he wanted to support you, all he had to do was agree with you that her vacillations were annoying and upsetting you.

You aren't being a hypocritic. You are complaining about the behaviour that it upsetting you, without bringing in random irrelevant insults.

Hypocrisy would be you calling them fat but then having a go at your DH for calling them fat.
You aren't a hypocrite.
Your husband shouldn't have mentioned their weight (though said from a place of attempted solidarity).
They are out of order for messing you around but are they aware of the anxiety it's causing you? From someone who suffers anxiety, I get it but those who don't suffer likely wouldn't relate at all...

@Chickenly
I would have preferred to have been told 'you need to speak to your friend about it and let them know you're bothered'. Etc. It just seemed unnecessary to insult them in that way.
I get that it can be annoying when I'm struggling to tell me friend that their behaviour bothers me but I'll say it to DP.

Shouldn't of said about weight, but clearly he's upset you're being messed about constantly.

@Jazper
Yes I have told my friends I'm anxious about going there. And they've asked can we do anything to help. So I said no, and that I was fine because a time and place had finally been decided which had helped.
But since that conversation they've changed the time again which means I can't eat with them. So I do feel a bit anxious that I'll be showing up and they will have eaten already.

He maybe meant greedy but was being clumsy about it. I agree that he shouldnt have said fat but I do think what pp said about him being frustrated at you for not being able to call them out on really shitty behaviour but being happy to do so with him.

I don’t think hypocrisy comes into this.

Your friend is mucking you about and shouldn’t, your husband made a nasty comment about their weight/overweight people in general and shouldn’t.

Your husband’s comment is v weird, so I can see why you responded to it, but I can see also that he might be frustrated that you are critical of him while allowing your mate to treat you like a doormat. I assume you are doing this because it’s safe to be angry with him and not them.

Put down some boundaries with your friend and tell your husband fat shaming is not acceptable these days.

Hi Op
I agree with everyone else,
He your partner used unfortunately wrong type of words to describe your friend and her unreliable flacky meeting up with arrangements,
Which is annoying 🙄 ,

He is on your side,
Just Crap choice of words to get point across

Incidentally I would is this just a one off thing you get 😟 anxious,
Only get anxious in this type of situations @againandagain1000

If tendency to be anxious obviously look into addressing this in a effective beneficial way such as therapy,

@OnlyFannys
I agree, I think that's what he meant. Being greedy. But said fat instead. Because then DP said 'I mean can they not just wait an hour for you to get there are are they really that greedy that they have to eat straight away so then your eating alone or not eating at all'.

DP has gone to work really pissed off with me so I don't think we'll be speaking until later.

Was the original al plan to meet them for food? Or for drinks? If the original plan didn't involve food they are doing nothing wrong by meeting earlier to eat before the original plans of meeting for drinks. Its not their fault you're working. The venue changing is a non issue to me, all you need to know is where do you need to meet when the time actually comes to meet. What difference would it make knowing this in advance?

@Goodread1
I don't usually get anxious. But this friend often changes plans, times, locations etc right up until the last minute. Sometimes on the morning we are meeting. And usually ends up that the friend said they'll arrive early and eat before me, which I really don't like. But haven't said anything.

So DP said in annoyance 'this friend always makes you anxious when you're meeting because they do this every time and you won't say anything! So thanks for making me the bad guy!' And then stormed out.

Your dh worded it badly, but he's not the issue. Your friends taking the piss is.

You really must say something to your friend even if it's subtle "oh I thought we were meeting at xxx time, please can we keep to that as I can't keep up with all these time changes."

@Nevergonnastop

I asked friend if they were free. They said yes and that they were meeting with some mutual friends and would I like to come.
I said yes so they gave me the time and location.
We were meeting for food during the day.
Friend then messaged me saying they were meeting 2 hours earlier so I said I'd be a little late due to work.

Then they messaged saying it would be 2 hours later and named another venue. So I said great because I'll have finished work by then so I'll be there at the same time.

Then they messaged the following day saying it will be 2 hours before again so they'll all meet at the restaurant and if I can't get there for that time (which I can't), then they'll just let me know where they are after so I can meet them wherever they've gone to.

I can sort of feel his frustration. You seem overly anxious about going somewhere new, I assume it’s only a pub/cafe/restaurant rather than them asking you to travel to another country where you don’t speak the language?
Your friends are then messing you about but you won’t say anything to them.
He called them fat but not to their face, are they fat? If so it’s true.
He’s ended up as the bad guy, no wonder he’s pissed off.

I mean I honestly don't see an issue with it, they were already meeting, they invited you along, you are fitting into their plans. If they wanted to meet early I wouldnt expect them all to wait for me! I'd take something to work with me and eat it before I leave so I wasn't hungry whilst out. But I understand everyone has different expectations.

I think he meant 'greedy' and tbh the same thought would cross my mind. It's selfish greedy behaviour from your friends.

If this friend is constantly messing you around,is it possible they don't want you to come but don't have the balls to say it.
I think I'd text them and cancel.
And your dh is right,you need to say it to them rather than constantly whining at him.
Because he's the bad guy now and all he wanted was to support you.

@AllOfThemWitches
My friend does often do this. Even when it is just the 2 of us meeting, if we arrange to meet at 1, they'll get there for 12.30 and order before me so when I get there, they're almost finished.
They've said they'll be doing that again today as they're meeting 30 mins before I can get there.