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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding evening invitation dilemma

56 replies

Pollyputthekettleon60 · 11/03/2023 04:27

My mum has been widowed 2 years & is struggling to cope if she's on her own. What would have been her 60th wedding anniversary is coming up so that's going to be hard for her. Tp cheer her up my sister has decided we should all take her out for a meal to celebrate it even though my dad is no longer with us. She's not picked the actual anniversary date, but the Saturday closest to it as it's easier. It's only in a couple of weeks, so quite last minute.
I was invited, ages ago, to the wedding evening do of someone close to me, but not related, and it's the same night. I've no problem with just going to evening do, weddings are expensive & limited in numbers.
As I said yes to the wedding evening do ages ago I think I should still go to it. Its rude to pull out at the last minute, plus I want to go anyway! I think my sister thinks I should go to my mum's anniversary to support her instead. She never asked if the date was convenient, just stated that my mum wants us altogether for it. I give her lots of support every other weekend (we take it in turns to have her stop the whole weekend) so i don't think I'm wrong in sticking to my guns.
Which should I choose - evening wedding do ive already said yes to, or parents (one deceased) 60th wedding anniversary meal which has only just been arranged?

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 11/03/2023 04:32

Wedding, I’d say. You’ve already accepted. You should be able to simply say no to your sister without being made to feel guilty. You have a prior engagement. Does she have form for expecting you to drop other engagements for her?

Ponderingwindow · 11/03/2023 04:33

You already committed to an event on Saturday. I would suggest the new event could be on Friday.

If they want to proceed with Saturday, I would keep your original commitment. offer to take your mother out just the two of you on Friday evening, Sunday brunch, or both.

UsingChangeofName · 11/03/2023 04:34

The wedding, obviously.
If your sister is arranging a meal for just 3 people (or potentially 5, if there are partners ?), then it is a pretty basic step in the process to check all the 3 crucial people are available.
She is BU, although I would have spoken up as soon as she mentioned it, saying "Nice idea, I can't do the Saturday, so do you prefer the Fri or maybe a nice lunch on the Sunday ? What suits you two best ?" rather than waiting until it has seemingly been decided.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 11/03/2023 04:39

Is there a compromise here - meal in the afternoon?

Nimbostratus100 · 11/03/2023 04:47

wedding, obviously - your sister can change the date of the meal

Original poster
Pollyputthekettleon60 · 11/03/2023 04:50

@PriOn1 no she doesn't have form for expecting everything to be dropped; but she does tend to wrap our mum in cotton wool, trying to make things better. Mum suffers with depression, anxiety etc & struggles. Sister acts like she needs baby sitting most nights, including weekends, which I find suffocating; harsh as it sounds mum has got to rip the plaster off & learn to cope. I love my mum very much but we have our own lives too. Just the statement "mum wants everyone together" is enough to induce the guilt in me.
I am going to suggest i take her out for afternoon tea or something instead. Even though it's only the evening do I strongly feel I should go to that instead of flaking out on it. I accepted that first, you don't flake cos you've had a better/different offer, it's rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyputthekettleon60 · 11/03/2023 04:52

@UsingChangeofName I have spoken up as soon as possible. The meal was only arranged yesterday

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyputthekettleon60 · 11/03/2023 04:58

I think she should have made sure we were free before agreeing a date with mum, so as not to disappoint her. They're still going for the meal on the Saturday as its when they're free, so my mum will just have to stay disappointed. It can't be helped.

OP posts:
28January · 11/03/2023 05:08

Wedding of course as you have already accepted the invitation, it sounds like your sister has pretty poor manners!

Original poster
Pollyputthekettleon60 · 11/03/2023 05:15

@28January I don't think she's got poor manners. She's accepting of the fact I cant go; but I wish she'd have checked with me first before agreeing to a date with our mum, to save her being disappointed. Her statement "mum just wants everyone together" for her 60th anniversary is enough to induce the guilt in me, making me feel I should put her first

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2023 05:26

Well then mum can have everyone together Friday evening, Sunday lunch, on the actual date or the preceding / following weekend. Whenever everyone is free or are you saying your sister is only free that particular evening? If that’s the case, she’s making the meet up difficult, not you.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 11/03/2023 06:00

You say that Saturday is not the anniversary date so could you do something in the evening on the actual date with dm.

MichelleScarn · 11/03/2023 06:04

Of course go to the wedding, would be bizarrely controlling of both of them to expect you not to!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/03/2023 06:06

You had already accepted the evening wedding date so they will have already paid for your place. Your sister sounds very bossy and didn't check with you if you were free.

Would your Mum benefit from some sort of counselling? It sounds as if you sister is emotionally suffocating her to be honest. Is your sister dealing with the loss of your Dad OK or using your Mum as an excuse to keep it going (I lost my Dad years ago).

I think you are right that your Mum needs to get on with life. It's terribly sad that she lost her husband but it doesn't have to dictate the rest of her life.

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 06:07

Wedding

Take your mum a bunch of flowers on the date if you think she'll appreciate it

Starlitestarbright · 11/03/2023 06:22

I'd go out with my dm its only an evening invite and it's sounds like dm is struggling.

Toomanybooks22 · 11/03/2023 06:24

Starlitestarbright · 11/03/2023 06:22

I'd go out with my dm its only an evening invite and it's sounds like dm is struggling.

I agree

Mortimercat · 11/03/2023 06:26

Toomanybooks22 · 11/03/2023 06:24

I agree

Show quote history

Me too.

SlipSlidinAway · 11/03/2023 06:28

Starlitestarbright · 11/03/2023 06:22

I'd go out with my dm its only an evening invite and it's sounds like dm is struggling.

But that's ridiculous. The meal doesn't have to be the same evening as the wedding and can easily be rearranged.

BellaJuno · 11/03/2023 06:30

Definitely go to the wedding, the meal your sister arranged isn’t even on your parents actual anniversary.

redbigbananafeet · 11/03/2023 06:33

Why can the meal not be the Friday night or any time on the Sunday?

ChrisPPancake · 11/03/2023 06:34

Wedding. You're already committed.

My own dmum would prefer a late lunch or afternoon tea anyway. Could you suggest that then do both in the same day?

Or arrange to be with your mum on the day of the actual anniversary?

Pipsquiggle · 11/03/2023 06:39

Go to the wedding. They should have checked with you first

Give them all the dates you are free around the anniversary

Bellavida99 · 11/03/2023 06:43

I’m sure your mum would rather have lunch than dinner as most people tend to have main meal at lunchtime when they get older and don’t like being out late evening. Make it lunch instead then you don’t miss out on anything.

WaltzingWaters · 11/03/2023 06:45

She should have checked dates with you. The dinner can be another time. Or could be lunch. Don’t feel guilty about not being able to go when you already had plans.