Wedding evening invitation dilemma

[Pollyputthekettleon60]

My mum has been widowed 2 years & is struggling to cope if she's on her own. What would have been her 60th wedding anniversary is coming up so that's going to be hard for her. Tp cheer her up my sister has decided we should all take her out for a meal to celebrate it even though my dad is no longer with us. She's not picked the actual anniversary date, but the Saturday closest to it as it's easier. It's only in a couple of weeks, so quite last minute.
I was invited, ages ago, to the wedding evening do of someone close to me, but not related, and it's the same night. I've no problem with just going to evening do, weddings are expensive & limited in numbers.
As I said yes to the wedding evening do ages ago I think I should still go to it. Its rude to pull out at the last minute, plus I want to go anyway! I think my sister thinks I should go to my mum's anniversary to support her instead. She never asked if the date was convenient, just stated that my mum wants us altogether for it. I give her lots of support every other weekend (we take it in turns to have her stop the whole weekend) so i don't think I'm wrong in sticking to my guns.
Which should I choose - evening wedding do ive already said yes to, or parents (one deceased) 60th wedding anniversary meal which has only just been arranged?

Your sister saying “mum wants everyone together” - is that true, or is it what your sister wants?

I think acknowledging the anniversary is lovely. I have a friend who was widowed about two years ago and she finds key dates very hard, and does feel sad if they pass unnoticed by her adult children.

But yes, date should have been discussed first and a wedding is a genuine, valid reason for non-attendance.

To me, the obvious solution is to move the meal as it is not on the actual date anyway. Surely this is what they will do? Your mum would rather change the date to have you there? Unless you have given vibes that you don't want to go.

Wedding.
Who makes plans for a very small get together without first checking the invitees are available? Crazy.

It would depend how soon it is. I'd be inclined to choose your mum, unless it is say this month. I'm sure if you explained your reasons for declining the wedding invite the bride and groom would be understanding.

So your feeling guilty because your sister didn't check you were free & has organised this fir when it suits ^her.
You sister should reschedule.^
You go to wedding & have a great time

This

Perfect

Going against everyone else, I'd say go out with your mum. You're not missing a wedding, it's only the evening do. You're not a primary guest and you're not impacting the budget - I doubt it's a sit down meal! The B&G won't miss you. On the other hand, it'll
probably really mean a lot to your mum.

It sounds like your mum is being enabled to stay in a depressive, self pitying child mindset. And in the meantime your life gets smaller by feeding this. Go to the wedding.

Your mum every time for me.

Send the wedding couple a gift and an apology, they won't even notice

Saturday isn’t the day of the anniversary so don’t let anyone guilt trip you. Suggest Friday evening, Saturday lunch/brunch or the actual day of the anniversary. Definitely go to the wedding reception!

Absolutely go to the first wedding.

Any drama here has 100% being caused unnecessarily by your sister.

It is absolutely basic manners to send out a quick message confirming that the date will work for you.

Being told, not asked about something like this NEVER works for me.

I'm married 30 years and I still double check any arrangement with my husband, basic manners.

If you accept this, it will happen again.

Accept no guilt.

Any "what a pity" remarks should be met with "yes what a pity you didn't check first"...push back.

Your sister sounds bossy and is doing your mother no favour at all.

She should be encouraged to cope rather than to be helpless and depressed.

Of course your mother is sad, perfectly natural to grieve, but much better to be understanding yet gently being positive in tone.

Enjoy the wedding.

The afternoon tea idea sounds perfect.

OP accepted wedding invite ages ago.

Meal with dm is on a random date with no special significance - picked yesterday without consulting op and can easily be changed.

And you don't think she should go to the wedding do?

It’s like your sister wants it to be hard for you?

aside the fact she should have checked you were free first, when it was clear you had a prior arrangement (and you def can’t pull out of a wedding you have agreed to attend) why wouldn’t your sister just say oh ok let’s make it lunch instead or Sunday or Friday night? She has loads of options.

Id be hurt she would rather put you in a difficult position than just change her meal time which is so simple to do.

Wedding.

Saying "Mum wants everyone together" is code for "I'm going to guilt trip you into dropping your prior arrangements because this is convenient for me and what I've ordained".

You're not 5 years old, mum doesn't want you all inside for tea. You have a life which you should live. Only a very selfish mum would want anything different. The mean can be re-arranged - if indeed your mum does want to 'celebrate'.

I'm in this situation. I would keep the actual anniversary free and not make plans. But as this isn't the actual anniversary, I'd definitely still go to the wedding.

I think it would be different if you were invited to the wedding.
However, it's only an evening do, so in this instance I'd prioritise mum.

Even though the wedding is already booked and she wants to go to it and the sister didn't bother checking if everyone was free? I love my mum to pieces and she is my priority, but in this situation I'd ask then to move the date of the meal or explain that I'm at a wedding. She's sending the wrong message my dropping her plans.

I know what you mean, @Nevergonnastop , but this will be a one off. I don't know how much longer she'll have with her mum, so I personally would prioritise that.
Anyway. Her choice.

You've already accepted the evening invitation so it would be extremely rude to pull out of that now. Dressing it up as trivial with "the B&G won't notice anyway" and "you're not a primary guest" and "you're not impacting the budget" is pathetic, just looking for excuses.

Your mum's meal can be rearranged for a different date, the wedding reception can't. Your sister should have checked with everyone she wants there before settling on a date, it was discourteous and silly of her not to. She needs to fix her error by rearranging.

OTOH your sister sounds like she has a lot more empathy and sympathy for your mum. It's only been a couple of years since your dad died and they were married a really long time. It's not unreasonable for her still to be grieving and lost without her spouse.

@Maireas what an awful guilt trip to try and put on someone. She already had her lovely plans. The sister is in the wrong.

Can't the meal be re-arranged? Even for Saturday but an earlier evening meal. I once went to a family birthday meal at a restaurant at 6pm then straight to an evening wedding reception - got there at about 8pm. Or literally any other time that weekend? Surely it's easy enough to re-arrange?

I think that my response is coloured by the fact that I didn't have enough time with my mum.
Also every evening wedding do I've been to has been a bit shit!
Although I do take your point about her sister.

It'd be different if the meal was on the anniversary date but, as it's not, definitely the wedding.

You should go to the wedding. Don't feel bad about her poor behaviour in not checking you were free first. That's her fault. Next time hopefully she will.

I'm sorry about your loss. I didnt have enough time with my Dad either, I fully understand how this would cloud your thinking. I'd give anything.