My husband is going on holiday to see family but not taking our daughter.

[mummashan]

My FIL lives quite far away. He used to live somewhat closer but moved away a couple of years ago to be closer to his aging dad. Now we only see his once a year rather than 3-4 times. My daughter took it pretty hard - she loves her grandpa. They're having a huge family get together this weekend and we were all invited, but I can't go due to starting a new job recently and not being able to get the time off. My husband decided that he would just go. No discussion, just "I'm going". He didn't even tell me when he was planning on leaving or coming home until today (he's leaving around 2am tonight).

Honestly, I don't even care that much about the details. What I'm annoyed about is that he won't tell my daughter where he's going, and didn't even entertain the idea of taking her. He said "she has school". Kids take time off of school quite often for vacations. Not really that big of a deal, and it would only be two days according to his timeline. She's also always wanted to fly. We never do because the cost of the tickets plus a rental car is just too expensive. I thought this would be a great opportunity for that because just the two of them would be reasonable, but he wouldn't discuss the trip at all.

He's convinced that I'm just jealous about not going (I'm not), and that I'm just looking for things to yell at him about. I am truly totally happy with staying home - I feel bad for my daughter, I feel bad lying to her, and I'm angry about the lack of communication. Am I being unreasonable to ask that he at least talk about taking her when she's been asking to see her grandpa for months and months (or even just about the trip in general)?

How old is your DD?

Wow, what a guy.... he isn't communicating with you, just acting like he doesn't need to bother, and he wants you to lie to your daughter! What other decisions does he make without talking to you? Does he lie to you, too?

This is crazy out of order behaviour in any relationship that is meant to be equal.

I suppose if he is entitled to make unilateral decisions like this you must be able to also. Is your daughter invited to see her grandad? Is she old enough to fly alone? Maybe book a ticket for her as children can fly an unaccompanied minor. Your husband can pick her up from the airport.

Is your DD his DD to,

That whole scenario would have me questioning the basis of my marriage.

Really???? It sounds perfectly normal to me. He sensibly doesn't want to take your daughter out of school for a basic family get together. He is leaving at 2am which would be a terrible time for a child. Maybe I am missing something but, I don't see an issue.

Sounds like to communication could be better but I'm not sure the decision to go solo is wrong, I would also not take her out of school for an ad hoc family meet

Seriously???

I would be questioning my marriage as well. going on the trip solo isn’t the problem. The problem is that there was no discussion about the trip or the various options.

discussion is what keeps a relationship going. without it you are just in a houseshare.

What a huge over reaction and terrible advice. And what a way to escalate tensions. Taking a child out of school for a family get together is just not on. I agree with the husband. What is wrong, however , is his lack of communication. OP, how old is your daughter?

This is very strange on his part, but I often find with situations like this that it's representative of bigger problems.

Does he often Make unilateral decisions without discussion? Does he often refuse to communicate with you? Those are the things I'd be most concerned about tbh. Missing school (depending how old she is) is not ideal, but it's definitely something that should be discussed between you

My fil lives a long way away, either a plane ride or a long journey. Not discussing this would really annoy me too. Dd wouldn’t have wanted to go without me though but your dd does. I imagine it would just be a day or 2 of missed school? How old is your dd?

Not telling you us wierd.
Taking your DD... should have been discussed. Hes got a point about school but seeing family is also important.

If you couldn't go because you can't get the time off work, who's he proposing looks after DD?

I think him going to see his dad is fine. You can't go due to your job but he can and it's his dad. Is he not discussing it because you don't like him doing stuff without you? If you wanted to see your parents and extended family would you expect to have to give lots of explanations to him? I wouldn't take a child out of school just for a family get together. The way you talk about "my daughter" rather than "our daughter" is odd. Are there other children he is taking or does he just not want the hassle of a small child on a long journey who should be at school?
The communication between you sounds awful but his decisions don't sound like bad ones

People saying the DD missing school for a couple of days isn’t on - family relationships and life experiences are every bit as important as formal, classroom based education. If she’s missing anything important it could be covered as homework.

The lack of communication and discussion is really wrong. Whilst in general I agree with not missing school, depending on your DDs age this might be an exception.

Are you sure that's where he's really going?

It's not normal for a spouse to suddenly say well I'm going to my dad's but I'm not telling you when or when I'll be back. No plan. No nothing.

Doesn't he work?

Reread, you said it was a family thing on the weekend.
How much school would she be missing on a weekend? How about none.

Your DH is up to something. He's being an arse.

Ge sounds like a bit of a cunt to be fair. Daughter only gets to see her grandad maybe once a year and he not only goes without her, is lying about it? He's a bellend that's for sure.

Exactly, this sounds like a rare opportunity to see Granddad and Great Granddad. And possibly other family members too. So I agree he should have arranged to take her especially as she is missing Granddad.

I think DH is being an ass, doesn't want to tell her where he's going because he knows she'll want to come. He sounds quite selfish to me.
I bet Granddad will be disappointed too.

He doesn't sound very nice.

This is not normal behaviour in a loving relationship.

I can understand your frustration.

Context is everything though.

Is he normally a kind loving husband and a good father?

If he's not, then it is just more of the same, and he is not a nice man.

Well for a start I won’t be lying about where he is. I would tell her he has gone to see grandpa but because of school she can’t go

other than that he doesn’t sound very nice either

It would help to know how old your dd is and how much school she would actually be missing. Getting up at 2am to catch a 6am flight is pretty normal, and on the surface he sounds massively unreasonable, not to mention selfish and unpleasant.

She’s 7.

He sounds awful.