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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how single parents get anything done?

37 replies

ExhaustedMuch · 10/03/2023 18:41

Recent single parent here. Got a toddler, no family nearby. Toddler has low sleep needs - only an hour or so during the day, and about 10 at night. She screams in the playpen (I've always put her in there while I cook, so it's not a new thing, and I always speak to her/sing to her etc. I don't Ignore her when she's there). Like bloodcurdling screams. I can get some stuff done but nothing that requires brain work, and I can't leave her in there too long as it's a small apartment with thin walls.

The house is a tip. I barely have time to shower and half the time I can't be bothered. She's in bed by 8 and I need to be in bed by 10. That's really all the time I have. By the time I've washed up and done a quick sweep of the house, it's time for bed. I never have time to do real cleaning. I've tried to involve her but she isn't interested or is for a second then just toddles away somewhere else on her own so I have to follow.

How on earth do other people do it?! What am I missing?

OP posts:
MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 10/03/2023 18:45

Does your ex see her? Do you qualify for any funded childcare hours?
It's incredibly hard I'll be honest. I was very lucky to have my mum to help.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 10/03/2023 18:49

I just got bye I don't remember really but thankfully my parents are close by and used to help at weekends

Jojo19834 · 10/03/2023 18:52

How old is the toddler, single parent here to a 2.5 year old and I could never imagine her being ok in a playpen at this age or near to. It’s only now she has some interest in helping in the kitchen but before then she had a play kitchen. I also allow tv time when I cook as I feel we will have done loads in the day so we all need a break. I have however always been a single parent so maybe just gotten to the ‘this is life’ point. I also have family but I use them in the week for childcare when I’m working so doesn’t give me any free time. Wfh however is a godsend as at least I can put a wash on/shove it in drier between toilet trips. Every morning we have coffee and milk in bed when we wake, dishwasher is on overnight so whilst downstairs getting it the dishwasher is unloaded. I don’t do anything in eves, just need me time. It’s our little routine and for now it is working!

JamJarJane · 10/03/2023 18:57

It's a hard stage but it gets easier (single parent of three here). You can try to lower your expectations a bit - a slightly untidy home is not going to hurt anyone. You can contain her in the room with you while you clean - just shut the door and explain why she can't open it. This might be hard but you need to be the parent establishing your boundaries, not following her around all the time. Finally, accept help and ask for help.

fortheloveofflowers · 10/03/2023 18:58

My ex left when my ds was 2. Full time job as a nurse working shifts and nights. Lived off 3. Hours sleep. My mum had my ds when I was at work but thank god but otherwise just me and ds.
ex never saw him. I’m amazed i survived tbh.
house was okay though, not perfect but okay x

Skethylita · 10/03/2023 18:58

Late nights and early mornings. It's the only way I managed to stay on top of everything (no family, no help). If you want it all (or if you have no choice) then the only way to do it is to sacrifice yourself, to some extent, for a year or two.

I did train mine to help very early on. It's a right pain in the ass, but they can help put stuff away and do some very basic cleaning (mine loved a vacuum). But until you reap the rewards it will feel endless.

It gets better, though, I am now a single mum of two older ones and it's lovely.

Ilikepinacoladass · 10/03/2023 19:00

Single parent to toddler here. Shower in evening before bed. Do the washing up before you've put them to bed, that way when you come back down it's not all waiting for you and you have a bit of an evening.

Eat at the same time and the same thing as little one. Batch cook and freeze.

It's doable but takes time to get into the swing of.

If you can afford a cleaner that's a godsend!

Make the most of any child free time you have. I do shopping after dropping little one to childminder and before logging on to work in the morning.

Okunevo · 10/03/2023 19:02

I only had a two bed flat so it didn't matter if DS was in another room, I could hear him, though he did tend to follow me room to room at under two. If I was cooking he played in the living area, if I left something to simmer I didn't go to another room and leave him near the kitchen even though he theoretically knew not to touch the stovetop. He went to sleep late then slept longer than me so I showered then.

Ilikepinacoladass · 10/03/2023 19:05

I don't attempt much cooking while he's around usually it's heating up a batch of something I've defrosted plus cook some pasta and veg. Try and get little one involved with preparing food that helps, I've never done a playpen, he either helps me in the kitchen or bounces of the walls in the living room while I'm washing up / preparing food

Ilikepinacoladass · 10/03/2023 19:13

Basically it is just quite hard lol. I've been single since little one was tiny so used to it and don't really know any different (not finding it easy, but just used to the fact this is how life is for now).

You'll get into the swing of it. Life does become a lot like a military operation though for a lot of the time.

ICanBuyMyself · 10/03/2023 19:17

My friend is a single parent. I am full of admiration. She has been 100% on her own from when the baby was about 2 months, her ex left and never sees them, so I have seen how relentless it is. She did have to cut back her hours when the children were small. Can I just say, she herself looks back at those early days and says she feels so proud of herself. Her sons are also incredibly appreciative and proud of her. She’s my hero.

wildseas · 10/03/2023 19:18

It gets gradually easier as they get older and then a lot lot lot lot easier once they hit school age!

Will little one help to cook whilst you cook? I used to give mine a table knife and a couple of soft veggies like mushrooms or a banana

For showering the easiest option if it’s safe Is to make sure the house is as safe as possible and go in the shower with the door open whilst she wanders. If she’s still too young for that bring her in the bathroom with you and some toys.

I know it isn’t possible for everyone but I got a cleaner for two hours a week. It’s quite a lot of money but it is absolutely the best money I spend and very much keeps me sane!

I also do the same as pp and have some tv time every afternoon. I’d prefer that the children have less screen time than they do but equally it’s a balance because not having a break isn’t good for me either.

The other thing which I do which massively massively helps with single parenting is that I am really strict about not using my evenings for parenting/housework/life admin. I do a quick 15 min tidy once they are in bed and then only do my own thing. Friends over / wine and a phone call / watch tv / read my book / have a bath / mumsnet etc.

When mine were younger I also went to bed at child bedtime once a week which helped keep the tiredness in check.

Dont worry - it gets loads easier!!!

Singleandproud · 10/03/2023 19:32

Ditch the playpen for something else, even a highchair and then give them some spaghetti and cheerios to thread on the top. In my experience children would much rather be sat in a cardboard box with some crayons than in a play pen.

Get rid of stuff, the less stuff you have the less there is to tidy.

Washing machine goes on in the evening, put on the airer and folded in the morning when dry.

When I showered I'd keep the bathroom door open and all the other doors on the landing shut and just put a few toys on the landing for DD to play with.

Lower your cleaning expectations, make sure that the kitchen and bathroom work surfaces are clean and the toilet gets some bleach anything else is a bonus.

I bought a carpet sweeper as DD hated the hoover so that was brilliant at quickly getting up crumbs particularly when she was sleeping.

Slow cooker and a soup maker are brilliant, batch cooking saves a huge amount of time during the week. Take veg into the living space to prep or give DC peas to pod etc.

It's only a short time and then they are older and you get more of a routine going and your house will be tidy again.

For your own sanity play podcasts or adult chat radio it does the world of good to hear other adult voices in the background when you spend all day with small children.

pastypirate · 10/03/2023 19:34

It's so hard. I had 2 under 3 on my own when dd2 was nb. Do as much as you can before she goes to bed. That's my only advice x

Danikm151 · 10/03/2023 19:42

I have a baby gate between the living room at kitchen so my son can see me whilst I’m cooking but potters and plays in the living room.
I get cleaning done at night after he’s gone to bed. ( occasionally I book a day off work so I can blitz the house- that was my plan today but it didn’t happen- thanks snow!)

meals are simple with a batch cook done every week.
Mostly routine helps a lot. We have our morning routine so we leave the house at the same time for nursery and work. Weekends we’ll do sweeping and laundry together before going out.
I get clothes and bags ready the night before.

It’s bloody hard though- I fall asleep on the sofa most nights. I’m tempted to try and reduce my hours at work but I couldn’t face the drop in income, especially at the moment.

Danikm151 · 10/03/2023 19:45

Same time every day I mean 😂

Lalala0 · 10/03/2023 19:49

Single mum to 2 under 2 here! We live in an open plan flat, ngl it is a huge mess 80% of the time, I give up with tidying the toys all the time, they just get thrown back out again. I encourage my toddler to tidy with me, lots of praise for every toy he puts away! He hates me beeing in the kitchen cooking/washing up so I batch cook alot in the slow cooker, I'd prepare the slow cooker in the morning qwick whilst they are both in their highchairs having breakfast. Toddler goes to nursery 1 full day and 1 half day a week (2 year funding) and in that time I do housework, food shopping, batch cook and take time for myself-only just starred doing this as my baby is breastfed and only just started to leave him for an hour or two. I have a bath when their dad comes round to do bed time most evenings. Where most nights were eating something that's batch cooked from the frezzer I don't allways wash up every night as there's sometimes just not alot so it can wait till the next day, saves on water too haha

cadburyegg · 10/03/2023 19:53

It's exhausting. Mine are 8 and 5 now and it is marginally easier now than when h and I split, they were 5 and 2 then. But I'm trying to get the house in order today for dc2's party tomorrow and I'm run ragged. The house will just never be clean enough 😭

Fortunately my mum is nearby. I also recommend making some parent friends. Making an effort with a few school mums has really paid off and have quite a few now who I'm close enough to call on if I need someone to talk to or help with a party, the odd school run etc.

LadyJ2023 · 10/03/2023 19:56

Do you spend to much time on your phone instead of cleaning etc. If I was your toddler I would be so cross and frustrated at being in a play pen at that age especially being so good during the night etc. They need stimulation,play,teaching,walks etc. 3 under 2s here,nice clean house they love to follow and help in there own ways and unluckily dont sleep nights lol. Stair gate means they can play in sitting room when I do cook tea with there toys etc. Gl

EstellaHanclay · 10/03/2023 20:00

get everything done? Lol
i dont.
just plod on tackling the most important tasks/ most obvious messes each day and hope for the best.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 10/03/2023 20:04

I didn't really do proper housework until dd started school...

I think routine is important, encouraging your child to play independently is also important and getting them into bed by 7 essential 😉

Original poster
ExhaustedMuch · 10/03/2023 21:58

My daughter is 14 months. Would you really just let them potter around at that age, or do you mean older children? She's so unsteady.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 10/03/2023 22:17

@ExhaustedMuch as long as the room is child proofed she will be ok.
depending on the size of the playpen she will need the space to practice walking. ☺️

just make sure she is in your line of sight

Okunevo · 10/03/2023 22:29

ExhaustedMuch · 10/03/2023 21:58

My daughter is 14 months. Would you really just let them potter around at that age, or do you mean older children? She's so unsteady.

DS wouldn't have left me at that age, unless at a playgroup or similar

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 10/03/2023 22:55

ExhaustedMuch · 10/03/2023 21:58

My daughter is 14 months. Would you really just let them potter around at that age, or do you mean older children? She's so unsteady.

As long as I could keep one eye on her I'd let her potter around. They are fairly robust at that age, my dd would have screamed her head off in a play pen or stuck in a high chair.

I just had lots of toys and random bowls of things she likes to play with dotted about.