Am I being overly sensitive about this comment from my sons teacher?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just looking for some perspective as I have quite extreme social anxiety so could well be reading something in this comment that isn’t intended. Sorry it’s a bit long, I just wanted to include the background as it’s probably relevant to how I’ve read it.

For full context my son is 9, has autism and attends a special school. His school does a lot of dressing up days to raise money for various causes etc but they have form for some being very short notice, eg: the evening before in some cases.
I get that for a lot of people it’s probably not too much of a problem to run the shop and grab whatever they needed but for us it’s a pain in the ass as there are no shops near us that sell kids clothes, I have no access to a car and the bus service to the nearest town is very limited, which his school and teacher are aware of.

It's careers week this week and yesterday morning there was an email asking kids to come dressed as what they want to be when they grow up today. My son says he wants to be an office worker so we went with school trousers, a formal white shirt and a plain jumper as the shirt was short sleeved and it’s freezing. We mocked up an ID with his picture, laminated it and out it on a lanyard and he was happy.

There is a daily email home and in todays one his teacher mentioned the career outfits and made a point of saying some had improvised and specifically mentioned my sons outfit. My first thought was of course we improvised you gave us a days notice but then I felt kinda of deflated like she was implying I hadn’t made any effort.
A little while ago it was numbers day and again the night before they wanted kids to come in clothes with numbers on and unluckily we didn’t have any, his teacher mentioned in the email that she’d got some stick on numbers so no kids missed out, and it just made me feel a bit crap, like my son was missing out because we didn’t happen to own a jumper with numbers on which is surely ridiculous.

Would anyone else take this as a mild criticism or am I just being paranoid?

@JudgeRudy I really wish I wasn’t bothered by what was probably a perfectly innocent comment by a woman I’ve only spoken to on the phone twice but yup I am.

On the upside I can hopefully put it to one side after being told it’s not meant as a criticism as opposed to stewing on it in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and probably convincing myself that his teachers judging me about everything 😅

Also surely for children with autism then last minute changes to routine, like dressing up, could be distressing . Therefore lots of notice would be essential

I agree that the comment wasn't meant to be critical. But I think you should email the head and politely request that they give at least a week's notice for any dressing up days, ideally two. One day's notice is just ridiculous!

My son us the same age and also goes to a special needs school. He's autistic, non verbal, has very limited understanding and couldn't pick me out in a room never mind know what he wants to be when he grows up. How ridiculous to expect a full on outfit 🙄

Anyway, all these dress up days I don't bother with (number day, world book day, children in need etc). He needs his set morning routine and he needs the uniform to know what is happening that day i.e its a week day so the bus is coming for you to take you to school. He is often the only one who is not dressed up. Tough!

As a special needs school they shouldn't be expecting conformity whatsoever never mind calling anyone out.

Thicken your skin as best you can and shrug it off. For years I suffered mum-guilt for him not joining in, but I've come to accept that for us it's better this way for his overall health rather than forcing something he doesn't understand that will only cause havoc for the next day or so.

Your lack of transport or their notice is irrelevant. YANBU in any case. You're doing a fab job x

Honestly they just want things to talk to the children about. Not fancy expensive activities.
Maybe you played a game, had pizza for tea that ds loved, found a pine cone etc.
You sound lovely and are definitely putting effort in - reading emails, trying to join in.

I refuse to buy specific outfits for dress up days, so am always having to improvise!

@JackHackettsMac I had cbt last year as my anxiety was getting to the point I was struggling to leave the house, it helped a bit but nothing seems to help the irrational intrusive thoughts. Would happily try anything else but there’s nothing else on offer here so I just try to manage it as best I can.

I think you are overthinking this specific comment about “improvising”, but I can understand why. One day’s notice is a massive pisstake. I would be raging if I had to do this on a regular basis. World Book Day is bad enough.

Way overthinking.

But why are you living somewhere with no car access, limited bus service and no amenities? It’s so much easier to do school and life in general near shops and services.

@Dixiechickonhols That’s pretty much what they get from us each week, and a picture of my son next to a random lamppost each weekend as it’s his special interest lol
I know logically most parents are just the same but it’s like my anxiety is in my head going I bet they’re all off doing something new and exciting every week 😬

I don't know if it helps, but with the "news" stuff, I'm sure they just want stuff as a stimulus for conversation, or work such as writing or art work. If you went for a walk that's great as your son could potentially draw or write about that!

I'm sure they don't want to hear about fantastic activities each weekend, especially for children who may struggle with sensory overload or changes in routine. I'm sure anything you can talk about e.g. "we went for a walk to X place" or "we went to the park" or "we caught the bus into town" or "we played x game in the garden" or "we watched x film" is great, I'm sure!

I guarantee there will be parents who, for all sorts of reasons don't/can't engage at all, so the fact you are emailing in news each week will be seen as a positive.

(PS, in terms of schools asking for specific colours- Young Minds and wearing yellow is big in secondary schools around here. How many people have something yellow? As a teacher I had to buy new clothing the first time it came around (at least I do it every year and don't grow out of my work shirts!))- I'd rather just do standard mufti days for charity.

I think you’re overthinking it.

Either way, it sounds like you’re doing a great job and I bet you’re an amazing Mum. ❤️

Just read the thread about someone working from home arranging to have her mother for lunch and having sex with her husband. How completely lovely working from home sounds. Don't worry OP there won't be any teachers in a few years time if the current recruitment numbers are anything to go by. Why be a teacher and have everything you say in an email picked apart when you can have a cosy work from home job.
Numbers this year for teacher recruitment are 40% down, strikes next week. But still parents moan about anything and everything

@Mirabai We live near Dh's work. We do have a small high street and two supermarkets, it’s just bad luck that none of the shops sell kids clothes or even adult stuff unless you have boutique money. I don’t drive and Dh had a crash a few years ago and he’s too terrified to get behind the wheel so just not an option. The buses I can’t control 🤷‍♀️
I also wouldn’t risk moving out of the catchment area for his school, despite the lack of notice it is an amazing school and he loves it there.

@anexcellentwoman thanks, I can now add the possibility that my anonymous quibble online about a teachers comment will make her leave the profession entirely to my list of things to stress over when my insomnia is bad 😳

I would honestly take that as a compliment.
You had to put in more effort than someone who just bought something premade. His ID on a lanyard sounds great!

I would think her mentioning your son's outfit specifically was a compliment surely.

Of course they would. We've had requests for both spotty tops and orange tops. Who had either, really?

Given it's a special school, they really should be more sensitive to dropping things like this on parents and children at such short notice. I mean, it's basic ASD knowledge not to do this!

Especially since there will be a number of parents who are also on the spectrum. I'd find this really stressful and upsetting, too (ND family here).

I’d have read it as criticism too so you aren’t wrong but I think that others have made good points about why it’s not.
it’s a cost of living crisis and improvising is going to help lots of families who can’t afford costumes x

After the first few years of buying special outfits for dress up days I wisened up.

What you need is to order a selection of plain fruit of the loom tshirts from amazon (bigger the better so you can use them throughout Primary school) and a pack of fabric pens.

Wear a number day? Draw a big number on your front and DC decorates it.
Superhero day? Draw a symbol of the DC initials on the t-shirt in Superman style.
Children in need? Coloured dots all over.
Space day? Draw the sun and planets or a spaceahip.

You do the outlines, DC decorate it giving them ownership, it's a normal t-shirt so less sensory issues and keep them in stock so less stress for you.

It's normal for teachers to keep a supply of whatever the theme is for the inevitable parent forgetting or simply not able to take part. Numbers pinned onto uniform or a piece of sugar paper turned into a hat with the theme on it etc.

@ireallycantthinkofaname I think what made me wonder is the email started off talking about how everyone came in excited to see each others outfits and talk about the different careers then kind of abruptly dropped in a sentence about how some of us improvised and were office workers then finished by saying so everyone had a career to talk about. It just seemed weird to specially mention only my sons outfit, and wasn’t sure why I’d been singled out. Obviously I’ve no idea what the other kids I’m his class wore so it made me wonder if maybe I hadn’t made enough effort.

Yes, but the school won’t suggest you go and buy one. They might suggest to bring in something orange or spotty, or to draw some spots or orange on a bit of paper and safety-pin it on.

@Poorlittlepoorgirl Dh also read it as a bit of a criticism but he’s generally a negative person so not a surprise really. Unlike me he just laughed though and won’t give it anymore headspace

Maybe the school/teacher had pushback about the lack of notice, from other parents, and was mentioning yours as a glowing example of what was possible in the time frame.