AIBU about mothets day and MIL

[Theblackdogagain]

So I know I'm being unreasonable, I just need to be told to give my head a wobble.
I have a lovely MIL, kind, caring, helpful with our kids. I am very lucky. Mothers day is also her birthday and she wants to go out for lunch. My mum passed away a few years ago so she's the only mum in that generation.
DH has said we can do something for me on Saturday and I'll get the morning for presents etc from the kids. It's not even a real day and my MIL has a real birthday.
So I need to be told to not be grumpy about it, and to go with good grace and make it a nice day.

Why wouldn't you? You don't seem to have any reason to not enjoy the meal, unless there's something that you didn't bother mentioning.

Why do you need to be told if you already know?

That sounds hard because you don't have your mum. Poor you.

Why can’t you have a joint Mother’s Day meal
on the Sunday?

I dont see the problem, you're getting time with your children & a nice meal out.

What's to be grumpy about?

Stop being grumpy!
You actually like your MIL. You sadly don't have a Mother to spend Mother's Day with. You are going out for lunch on Mother's Day do no cooking and you'll get presents from the DCs in the morning. What exactly is wrong with that?

Next year her birthday won't be Mother's Day. I think it's reasonable tbh. As long as he puts the full effort in for early Mother's Day

What part of it that makes you feel grumpy? That you’re not getting the day just for you as a mum or seeing her in particular? These days are hard when you’ve lost a parent and I always feel a bit emotional on Father’s Day.

It sounds lovely. What's the issue?

You can both have a lovely meal. You'll both get presents from your children.

You need to not be grumpy about it, and to go with good grace and make it a nice day.

One is a birthday and the other is a Hallmark Holiday.

Have people missed the “my mum passed a few years ago” part of your post??? This is obviously a post where you know technically you’re “being unreasonable” but we’re humans, not robots and we have feelings.

your feelings are valid, so please don’t beat yourself up about them. Feel sad, feel grumpy about it. And allow yourself to accept those feelings with self compassion and without shaming yourself. That hopefully will allow you to release them, so that yes, you can enjoy “Mother’s Day” the day before and happily go along and celebrate your MILs birthday. As you should. But don’t shame yourself for feeling down about it at the moment. You’re human and it’s how you feel

I don't do and see my MIL on Mother's Day.
My mum passed away 5 years ago.
It's too painful for me to think about visiting - just like I know to avoid supermarkets the Saturday before Mother's Day. Seeing people getting flowers etc hurts me.

Her birthday is a day or two after the anniversary of my mums death - I would not attend a birthday lunch if she planned it on that day (due to it falling on a weekend or whatever)

What part is the problem for you OP?
The fact that you would like Mother's Day to be focused on you, or that you don't want to do something on Mother's Day because you find it upsetting due to your mum no longer being here?

Have people missed the “my mum passed a few years ago” part of your post??? This is obviously a post where you know technically you’re “being unreasonable” but we’re humans, not robots and we have feelings.

No, but that would be a problem on any mother's day, surely? Not just this specific one?

I don’t think I could bear another Mothers Day post so close to the other one on here.
In your situation it sounds like win-win.
Just waiting for the fall out now.
Bound to be someone saying your DH should have serious words with his Mother.
I give you a hand hold for losing your own Mum. It’s tough & never goes away. 💐

I'm failing to see the issue and with the greatest of respect OP, it sounds a little petty. Your DH has come up with a positive solution that benefits and celebrates both you & MIL. It won't be MIL's birthday every Mother's Day so you will have other years to celebrate with just you & DC. I think you should accept this compromise with good grace - you say you like your MIL so why wouldn't you want to celebrate her birthday with her? Look at it this way: perhaps MIL gets peeved when her birthday and Mother's Day falls on the same day, meaning she effectively misses out on a separate celebration?!

Crikey.

Maybe she hasn't been expected to spend any other MD with her MIL?

Lot's of obtuse posts on here, completely unable (or unwilling) to see the point...

Yes, and she’s not having to go to a birthday meal on every other Mother’s Day…? But she is this one.

Its a hard day when you’ve lost your mum. I know I always have lots of mixed feelings on it after losing mine a few years ago. The OP feels how she feels. That is valid! She’s going to go to the meal, but she’s dealing with how she feels before hand, and shouldn’t beat herself up for feeling shit about it.

but this is AIBU where she’ll no doubt be told what a shit selfish person she is etc etc on repeat

I get it, I lost my Dad 2 years ago. Father's Day is so hard now. I paint a smile on and take DH and FIL out for lunch but inside I want to run and hide away.

You know you need to do this, but be kind to yourself too. Reframe in your mind as her birthday lunch rather than Mothering Sunday.

I'm a great believer in being flexible about these "days" . You don't have to celebrate on the exact day , ever. In this particular instance, as long as you have some time with your kids, and DH organises something - what could be wrong with that ? And you go along on Mother's Day to celebrate with this nice lady who is also having a birthday. Sounds great to me !

Go along. You'll have a nice time and you'll feel better for it.

I'm introverted and get grumpy about going out. When I do I always have the best time. But I have to force myself to go 😂

Also I love going out for food because you get back to a nice tidy kitchen having just ate. Such a satisfying feeling x

Just to slightly swing it round. My birthday is close to Mothers' Day. Not often on it, but it's more often than not the nearest weekend. We don't make a huge thing of birthdays, and tend to celebrate them on the next weekend, nor Mothers' Day, but I sometimes feel a little grumpy that they both tend to slide into the same thing. Dh will make a nice meal, the dc will get flowers etc, but if they were a month apart they'd be distinct.

Now I get that for your MIL you might not have done Mothers' Day with her, but she may feel a bit like me that if it hadn't been her birthday then you'd not have been round, so she might as well make the most of it and celebrate them both, because in past years they've been sort of squidged together,

OP, I have read through the other responses on here and re-read your OP. It's still not clear to me whether you are grumpy at having to share the day with MIL per se or whether you find it difficult having lost your own mum? Or is it really just all of those things rolled into one?

I do agree with others that you should absolutely let yourself feel what you feel but for your own sake and your family's, let your feelings go by Sunday (even if only temporarily) to allow yourself and everyone else to enjoy the day.

Reframe it as MIL's birthday meal. You will all have a nice time.

I am sorry about your mum x

My late DH's birthday and fathers day frequently coincided, either by the day or by the weekend. He didn't moan but I thought it was a bit of a shame that they basically merged into just one day.

So it's entirely reasonable that your MILs birthday gets celebrated and that she sees her son. Surely mothers day morning is enough for you? A nice breakfast and presents and MD is pretty much over when your kids live with you, isn't it?

I imagine the lunch will be focused on birthday rather than MD for MIL, so hopefully it won't bring home your mum's absence as much as a specifically.mothers day mask would.