AIBU about mothets day and MIL

[Theblackdogagain]

So I know I'm being unreasonable, I just need to be told to give my head a wobble.
I have a lovely MIL, kind, caring, helpful with our kids. I am very lucky. Mothers day is also her birthday and she wants to go out for lunch. My mum passed away a few years ago so she's the only mum in that generation.
DH has said we can do something for me on Saturday and I'll get the morning for presents etc from the kids. It's not even a real day and my MIL has a real birthday.
So I need to be told to not be grumpy about it, and to go with good grace and make it a nice day.

Which part is making you grumpy - that’s it’s Mother’s Day and you will be missing your mum or that you are sharing your own Mother’s Day with your MIL because it’s her birthday?

Can’t you have a nice flowers and cards breakfast with your family in the morning and celebrate with your MIL in the afternoon?

Stop being grumpy and appreciate what you've got. Every day is a mothers day compared to us infertile fuckers.

Your husband is right. It's a made up day. We don't do anything for it other than my son gives me a card

It's her birthday.

Maybe it's difficult for her to appreciate what she's got on montrera day when there is a massive, gaping hole in her life due to the loss of her mother?

That attitude is so unhelpful.

*Mother's Day

I appreciate infertility must be soul destroying in a way I could never understand. It still isn’t right to tell someone to ‘stop being grumpy’ when they are grieving the loss of their Mother.

OP, would your MIL enjoy a meal with just her son if it is too much for you this year? Is it a big birthday or would celebrating the day before work to allow you the space you need on Mother’s Day itself.

Thanks everyone. My mum passed just before covid so this is the first normal mothers day if that makes sense. I think I'm more grumpy because I haven't got my mum and so it's all about my lovely MIL, maybe I should do something for my mum too so she's not forgotten, light a candle or something.
For the person saying I'm lucky to have kids, I know I'm lucky, it took over two years and a lot of paperwork to adopt my boys and I appreciate every day with them.

Just read your update OP. It all makes much more sense now. I think for many of us, the pandemic created this blur where things that happened before somehow didn't really get processed because we were busy dealing with more immediate issues. As you say, this is the first proper/normal Mother's Day without your DM so I can understand that you will be feeling very emotional. Lighting a candle for her sounds a wonderful idea. Think about whether you want to make that a private moment or whether you want so somehow include your DH/DC. Did she & MIL know each other? You say your MIL is kind and caring. Perhaps talk to her about how you're feeling? Probably better to do so before than during. I would be upset to hear my DIL had been struggling whilst attempting to celebrate my birthday and would want to support her. That's not in any way going to dampen her experience of her birthday lunch if she's a kind, considerate person.

That's not very nice. OP has lost her mum.

A candle sounds a lovely idea OP

@ChildlessNotChildfree May I suggest you avoid threads about mothers day if they trigger you? I know it can be a hard time for many

My DP died young. Every Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas Day, Easter, etc etc for years now is spent with DH parents and family.
I get you.

Do you think you might be a bit jealous because his mum's here and yours isn't? I feel that way sometimes about my OH, it's not unreasonable to feel that way but I think it would be unreasonable to not go for no reason 🤷 xx

It's not for no reason though. It's a very valid reason.

OP adopted, don't you feel daft!

My dad died when I was relatively young. It was tragic, but it didn’t make me resent my FIL on Father’s Day. It wasn’t his fault my Dad died. My mum died last year. It doesn’t make me resent my MIL still being alive. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love my parents very much, but if I miss someone I miss them every day, not just on a “special”day. I realise everyone is different and has their own way of dealing with things, but sometimes I do think “get a grip” eg when I get an e mail from companies asking me if I’d like to opt out of Mothers Day e mails if they are “triggering”. Life happens, death happens. Get on with it, tough as it is sometimes. Everyone has their battles. It’s reality, and life is definitely better when you can accept the good and the sad but don’t let it define your life.