To stipulate conditions on FIL's financial gift to our son

[alicet]

FIL has decided that rather than give our 2 ds's presents at birthdays and Christmas he would prefer to give them £1000 a year until they are 18 to go into their child trustfund account. Wow, how very generous thanks a lot we thought at first...

However I am now feeling increasingly uneasy at my boys getting such a large sum of money to do whatever the hell they like with when they turn 18. Initially when he started this he asked where he could put the money and we told him either the trust fund account that they could get when they were 18 or into a separate account we were opening to save moeny for them for stuff like university / first car / house deposit etc etc. And he chose the trustfund account as he wanted them to be able to spend the money on whatever they wanted.

I don't have a problem with them blowing the money if that is what they choose and they are sensible enough to realise what they are doing. But I think 18 is pretty young and boys especially are not that mature at this age. I worry in particular about them not appreciating the value of this money. I also am concerned that they will get used to living the 'high life' on it and then when its all gone they rack up massive debt as they continue to live in the same way. Dh and I had also planned to tell the boys that if they got to 21 and hadn't any points for speeding we would buy them a car in an attempt to get them to drive safely. Things like this will not work if they can buy whatever they like.

Dh agrees with me but makes the point that fil can do what he want with his money and even if we are concerned enough to not accept his gift he could open a trust account for the boys to be gifted to them when they turn 18 anyway.

Now I appreciate it's his money but I also think that as we are their parents we should be able to stipulate how it is given to them. I would be happy for them to use it as they choose but I would like to be able to give it to them when I judge them to be mature enough and know the value of money (which may or may not be 18) rather than at 18 regardless.

Am I being ungrateful and unreasonable? Would it be unfaur of me to bring this up again and request that he pays it into the other account? Dh and his father have a complicated reliationship and fil is likely to dig his heels in if dh asks this so it will have to come from me or not at all...

Thanks for reading this far, sorry it's so long, and thanks in advance for your advice!

See where you are coming from, I have the same thoughts about the Child Trust Fund, but at least we are the ones putting the money in so we can hide the evidence until DS is a bit older.

However your DH is right, your FIL can do what he wants with the money. If it were me I'd earmark it mentally for something such as university fees or first house deposit and suggest to your sons when they are older that the money could be used for that and that you don't contribute any of your own money to these things, but at the end of the day your FILs gift is for his grandsons, and not for you to decide.

YABU. It isn't up to you how your FIL spends his money and if he doesn't want to put any stipulations on how your DCs spend it then that is up to him. You should be thanking your FIL for being so generous instead of worrying about things which will probably never happen.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I wouldn't interfere, tbh.

When they're adults, they can buy whatever they like. If they went straight into a job after A levels, they could get a bank loan to buy a car, after all.

Once they're 18 and adults, I think you have to step back a bit and let them do their thing.

ooo trick one - I can see where you're coming from. However I think this paragraph

"Dh agrees with me but makes the point that fil can do what he want with his money and even if we are concerned enough to not accept his gift he could open a trust account for the boys to be gifted to them when they turn 18 anyway."

shows the reality. He could very easily do that, your DS's could blow the money and end up in the same "trap" of wanting to live the high life that you are concerned about.

How about setting up an education trust fund so that money can be used for university fees or similar? My dad has done this for all his grandchildren. oh someone already said this doh..

Hi alicet

YANBU. My mother and I (at her request i hasten to add) were talking about her will yesterday of all things. Macabre business I know, but DS and other grandchildren are going to be named in it.

DH and I feel exactly the same way you do and we have asked that her will needs to stipulate that monies go into a trust which will have conditions attached to it - she can see the sense in it, apologised for not thinking of that herself and is going to have it reworded. I know if I had come into a large sum of money at 18 it would have been frittered away on going out/ cars/ holidays and not invested in a property (which i would have done at 25)

Depends on the relationshio you have, but I had a chat with mum, asked what she thought and would she mind having it added and she was absolutely fine.

Sorry I think some of you are missing the point.

I would be very happy to earmark this money for my sons to enjoy rather than go towards practical stuff if that is what they choose.

I would just rather have some control over when they get that.

I appreciate at 18 they are adults and I don't plan to be a controlling mother sticking my nose in their business! I just know that at 18 I wasn't responsible enough to appreciate this amount of money

Hi dal21! Hope you are well...

Yes you have summed it up exactly. Thanks!

it's a tricky one. We got married abroad, and a family friend and one of her 18yr old twins came out to the wedding (only people apart from my parents and DB who could make it).

The DS paid for it out of money that had been left for him in trust by his father who died when he was very young. That would almost certainly have been classed as a "holiday" (he travelled around while he was out there). However, it was a once in a lifetime trip for him and something he'd never been able to experience before (and may not be able to afford again the future).

His twin brother spent his money on University fees.....

The mother was happy with both boys decisions.

Could you talk to your FIL and ask that the age be changed to 21. The boys will be a bit older and less likely to spend it on stupid things.

TBH I think you should thank your FIL very much and put the money in the account you have agreed. It is up to you to make sure the boys don't blow it all when they are 18 and in the meantime teach them the value of money.

I got £2,000 when i turned 18.

I wasted every single penny.

I havent a thing to show for it,

cant drive, no car, no savings.

Attach some conditions, or they will waste it! they will.

and i was a pretty sensible teen too!!

Alicet you have to also remember that at 18 they will be adults (yes teenage, and perhaps immature adults) and therefore old enough to make their own decisions (and mistakes??)

agree with dal, I think the ONLY thing you can do is mention your concerns to your FIL. He may well see where you're coming from and put some conditions on the trust.

However if he doesn't, then I really think you have to butt out.

Keep talking to your children, keep communicating, get the very best relationship you can with them because IMO that is worth as much if not more, than stipulations on a trust fund. I mean, legally they could use it to buy a house then immediately sell that house and do whatever the hell they wanted with the money IYSWIM - there are ways round things.

Whereas if the relationship you have with them is truly open and honest and trusting and that's how they feel they are perceived by you, they are likely to take on a responsible attitude to money even at 18.

Also, even if they were to waste it - it would be a waste yes but experience is worth alot.....I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world for them.

i don't know if it is still possible but my aunt set up a trust fund for each of us which stated that we would inherit at 21 but if all three of them (aunt, mum and dad) agreed it could be 18 (for a car/uni)

or, would it be possible that they'd get half at 18 then half at 21, just so if they do blow the first bit, they will still have a net?

Sorry - YABU. I know your intentions are good, but ...

Perhaps the best guarantee against reckless spending is to install in them a bit of money savvy and trust them ... (as I am sure you will do!!) 18 yo adults (or even those approaching 40) don't like being told what to do by their mums... and age is no guarantee that they will be financially responsible..

alicet - I am fine and dandy thanks. Being mesmerised by another AIBU wedding thread. Must get ready for nursery visit.

Have a chat with your PIL. With the best intent in the world, we can hope our kids are sensible 18 year olds, but we cannot predict it. I definitely think stipulations need to be inserted and as parents, it is totally within your remit to have the chat.

If your PIL are generous and sensible enough to make future provisions for their grandkids, I cannot see them having an issue with this.

God I'd hate it if my children were landed with a trust fund with strict stipulations - "university", "house" "car" etc........and then they decided to do something for which those things weren't needed.

I think I understand but if your fil wants the boys to have the money at 18 there's little you can do about it. You just have to do your best to teach them to be sensible with money as they grow up and hope that they aren't too stupid with it.

I always had quite a lot of money as a teenager from a couple of relatives leaving me sums in their wills. I never spent any of it which was as a result of my parents almost obsessive encouragement of hard work, budgetting etc. For example was given very little pocket money and encouraged to get a Saturday job, given very meagre clothes allowance from 14ish, was told that the money in the bank was only to be spent on something special and accepted that. Rather sad thing is that I have never spent it, even when we bought our house I kept the money that had come from my family in my bank account. I don't think that's what my great aunt and grandmother would have wanted but I have been brought up to think it's not really my money because I didn't earn it. Obviously there is a happy medium where they might spend some on a really great holiday then keep some to invest etc I think that by discussing with them and generally trying to teach them a 'healthy relationship with money' you can encourage that.

i think you should mention your concerns to your fil, and discuss with him what should be done.
fwiw, every single bloke i know who came into a lot of monney at 18 went off the rails for a few years.

FAQ I do agree. There are other life choices which don't involve those things and that could be very awkward.....

I mean, yes most people want one or more of those things but I know people who most definitely don't want to own a house or a car and who for whatever reason don't go to Uni!

I would be very very happy for them to blow it on a good holiday or even booze and women if that was what they chose. I agree with the poster who said experience counts for a lot - I racked up a LOT of debt at uni and don't regret a second.

I also agree with all the posters who say I should teach my boys the vlue of money - I certainly plan to do so and agree that a lot of my worries will hopefully be averted by the way I plan to bring up my children.

However I would dearly like them to make the decision to blow the cash / invest in something sensible at an age when they are clued up enough to be able to do so. I seriously worry that 18 isn't it even with 'good' parenting (what is that anyway?) boys of that age are still very open to peer pressure and wanting to impress and fit in that I am concerned they will waste what could be a fantastic opportunity for them.

And while 18K is a LOT of money and could be lifechanging it is not so much that you couldn't blow it pretty quickly and then regret this.

I think what I am trying to say is that if they choose to blow it because that is what they really want I would say good luck to them. But would like them to have the life experience to make that decision be a rational one that they wouldn't regret.

It is incredibly easy to set up a bare turst investment which matures at a later date I thought - 21 say. The downside of the Government Child Trust Funds is that indeed all the money does go to the child at 18, but with a bare trust then I believe you can leave it until they are 21. I just chose the fund I wanted (ie just like a child trust fund) and asked for a bare trust instead of a CTF or ISA.

You could simply tell your FIL that you want the freedom to top up the CTF, and so could he use something else? It should then be easier to convert to a trust paying out at 21 rather than 18 nearer to the time.

Oh and by stipulations on the money I meant stipulating that we had control of when they got it, NOT stipulations on how they spent it - agree whole heartedly that just because uni and house were important to me it might not be for them

Ladymuck that is a fab idea about telling fil that we want to top that up!!! He doesn't have to know that we don't and put the money in the other account does he?