To stipulate conditions on FIL's financial gift to our son

[alicet]

FIL has decided that rather than give our 2 ds's presents at birthdays and Christmas he would prefer to give them £1000 a year until they are 18 to go into their child trustfund account. Wow, how very generous thanks a lot we thought at first...

However I am now feeling increasingly uneasy at my boys getting such a large sum of money to do whatever the hell they like with when they turn 18. Initially when he started this he asked where he could put the money and we told him either the trust fund account that they could get when they were 18 or into a separate account we were opening to save moeny for them for stuff like university / first car / house deposit etc etc. And he chose the trustfund account as he wanted them to be able to spend the money on whatever they wanted.

I don't have a problem with them blowing the money if that is what they choose and they are sensible enough to realise what they are doing. But I think 18 is pretty young and boys especially are not that mature at this age. I worry in particular about them not appreciating the value of this money. I also am concerned that they will get used to living the 'high life' on it and then when its all gone they rack up massive debt as they continue to live in the same way. Dh and I had also planned to tell the boys that if they got to 21 and hadn't any points for speeding we would buy them a car in an attempt to get them to drive safely. Things like this will not work if they can buy whatever they like.

Dh agrees with me but makes the point that fil can do what he want with his money and even if we are concerned enough to not accept his gift he could open a trust account for the boys to be gifted to them when they turn 18 anyway.

Now I appreciate it's his money but I also think that as we are their parents we should be able to stipulate how it is given to them. I would be happy for them to use it as they choose but I would like to be able to give it to them when I judge them to be mature enough and know the value of money (which may or may not be 18) rather than at 18 regardless.

Am I being ungrateful and unreasonable? Would it be unfaur of me to bring this up again and request that he pays it into the other account? Dh and his father have a complicated reliationship and fil is likely to dig his heels in if dh asks this so it will have to come from me or not at all...

Thanks for reading this far, sorry it's so long, and thanks in advance for your advice!

I can see where you are coming from, thing is though this is not your money and your dc will be 18 - they will be adults and you will have no control but niether will your fil.

Once the money has been given that will be that.

My dd when she reaches 18 will be given money from the court - it is compensation from an accident (nothing major) the amount grows each year (courts have good interest rates!) and when she reaches 18 will probably be around 3k. The court will send her a cheque - in her name and she can do what ever she likes with the money. I will not in any way be able to stop her having the money or stop her from having a hugh party and all her friends getting drunk.

My dd could well waste the money (I have a feeling) but if the court deems her an adult then she is and the money is hers.

To a certain extent I think you can show your dc the value of money but they will go their own way and i have two that are so different on the money stakes - yet they come from the same background and genetics??

Whether it is paid out at 18 or 21 I really don't think will make a hugh difference - if it is going to be wasted it still will be and if it is going to be spent wisely it will be so let your fil decide what he wants to do and keep out of the arrangements.

we have exactly the same issue with my father

both dp and I know damn well we would have mostly pissed this money up the wall had it happen to us (it DID actually happen to dp, and lo and behold he spent a lot on partying)

I feel 18 is a very young and vulnerable stage of most people's lives

have explained this to my father and he feels that ds should have the option to spend it on whatever he feels is important at that time in his life - yes even if it is a religious cult. yes even if it is drugs. I have to admire him for his liberalism but at the same time he is a stubborn man and I think making a mistake here!

I will speak to him again about the idea of a trust but I am pretty sure he wants to make sure this money is for ds at age 18 without strings. It does worry me.

Well he has just got back to me and has said he will look into other options and we can discuss it this summer before any more money would be going in to either boy's account. So a result I think!

Thanks again to everyone who posted - Much appreciated!