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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It is selfish to consider going to fight in Ukraine when you have children in the UK

45 replies

HeartShapedRug · 09/03/2023 19:37

Ex told me he is seriously considering going to fight in Ukraine. He said it is a moral obligation for him to do so because there are lots of parents in the armed forces and lots of parents of Ukrainian children fighting. He says it would be a selfless thing to do.

He is not Ukrainian, he has no links there at all, his children are British and live here in the UK. He is unemployed - not in the armed forces.

I think it would be selfish for him to put himself into such a dangerous situation needlessly when he has children who need him, and to cut contact with the children for a long period while he was gone.
Two of the children are neurodiverse, and struggle with their relationship with him because of previous lack of continuity. The other two love seeing him and one cries when he comes home because he misses his dad and finds it hard to adjust.

AIBU to say it would be an utterly selfish thing for him to do?

OP posts:
Greenshake · 09/03/2023 20:01

Well, you could equally argue that this was a selfless decision to be honest, although I do of course see your point about your children. Not sure the Army there are that keen on taking people without experience though.

XenoBitch · 09/03/2023 20:04

He is an idiot.

Theorema · 09/03/2023 20:09

You are not being unreasonable.

TourmalineGiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:10

He sounds like a child

nocoolnamesleft · 09/03/2023 20:12

Sounds like he's trying to dodge his actual responsibilities with an unrealistic idea of being an untrained hero.

carriedout · 09/03/2023 20:13

A few people do very risky things like this. It is not possible to explain it in regular terms like 'selfish' as they are viewing things from a distorted position.

It will be very, very hard on the children but what can you do?

Pinkypurplecloud · 09/03/2023 20:13

If he was joining the British military, properly, I’d say it was not something I’d want the father of my children to do, but I could respect that decision. I think it’s very hard on the children though and he’s got to realise it would have a permanent detrimental impact on their relationship.

Going to Ukraine, unless he’s got rare and special skills you haven’t mentioned, is utterly idiotic, probably pointless and verging on suicidal. Genuinely, do you think he’s sane?

minipie · 09/03/2023 20:14

Suspect he’d be more of a liability than an asset out there tbh. And YANBU.

Newnamenewname109870 · 09/03/2023 20:15

I’m a bit confused tbh about why he wants to do this? Is he romanticising the idea? Is he suicidal?

There are wars all over the world, why join Ukraine?

XenoBitch · 09/03/2023 20:15

Pinkypurplecloud · 09/03/2023 20:13

If he was joining the British military, properly, I’d say it was not something I’d want the father of my children to do, but I could respect that decision. I think it’s very hard on the children though and he’s got to realise it would have a permanent detrimental impact on their relationship.

Going to Ukraine, unless he’s got rare and special skills you haven’t mentioned, is utterly idiotic, probably pointless and verging on suicidal. Genuinely, do you think he’s sane?

A special skill in playing 'Call of Duty' or similar, I would bet.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 20:15

He’s a plonker.

I think I would just laugh and ignore.

TennisWithDeborah · 09/03/2023 20:15

He needs to get a local job and connect with his children, not live out his boyhood SAS fantasy in Ukraine.

MadMadMadamMim · 09/03/2023 20:15

Has he overdosed on Call of Duty, perhaps?

He sounds like a complete idiot. I'd make encouraging noises to be honest. He's just talking bollocks. What's his plan for getting there? Turn up at the border and say he wants to fight?

sunstreaming · 09/03/2023 20:17

At the start of the conflict. Grant Shapps said it was illegal for UK citizens to travel there to fight. Also think your husband shows extreme ignorance about how useful he would be.

mynameiscalypso · 09/03/2023 20:17

It's technically illegal isn't it? I know the government warned at the start of the war that people who went to fight for Ukraine could face prosecution when/if they returned to the UK.

PolkaDotMankini · 09/03/2023 20:17

YANBU but I wish my exH would come up with this cunning plan. I can only dream.

Thelnebriati · 09/03/2023 20:17

Tell him its a pity he doesn't hang out on websites that encourage parenting instead of falling down youtube/reddit rabbit holes.

brokenarmabroad · 09/03/2023 20:17

Does he have a track record of a) making signifant personal sacrifices for the sake of other people, or b) avoiding his responsibilities and constructing reasons to justify his behaviour to himself and other people?

Original poster
HeartShapedRug · 09/03/2023 20:38

Making sacrifices - no
Dodging responsibilities and living in fantasy land - yes

Didn't know it's illegal - not sure he does either

He is very hard radical left wing - believes in fighting for ideological reasons and always talked about wanting a revolution and 'joining the fight' though never did more than be part of some rather sad political groups.

He told the children after we split that he'd been in the army and got a significant life changing injury in the course of duty. He'd never mentioned this in the course of our 10 year relationship, so when dc told me I expressed surprise along the lines of 'gosh, I didn't know that'. He has decided this constitutes me telling them he was lying and said when he told me of his Ukraine plan that it would prove to the children that he wasn't lying.

I seriously doubt he has anything of any use to offer over there. He did sound serious but also could well have been trying to upset me. He has form.

OP posts:
treneton · 13/03/2023 20:06

Read this from the Kyiv Independent a very pro-Ukrainian paper - the Ukrainians are being abandoned by their leaders to their fates.

kyivindependent.com/national/ukrainian-soldiers-in-bakhmut-our-troops-are-not-being-protected

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/03/2023 20:18

I honestly couldn’t supported Ukraine more, but I agree this is ridiculous of him. He’s got responsibilities here, it’s just not something he can do.

If I didn’t have two children who I’m responsible for, I’d be very tempted to go out there - not to be in the army as I’d be crap but to do humanitarian work. I’ve got a very strong pull to do so, but I’m not doing it because I’m needed here by my own children.

I agree that if he wants to give his life purpose then perfectly fine to join the British army, but to go off to a war zone in another country totally untrained is a liability. Then if he gets captured Ukraine will likely come under pressure to make an exchange for him that they could have done for one of their own citizens otherwise.

Choconut · 13/03/2023 20:18

He sounds utterly delusional, thinks he's going to be some freedom fighting hero.

Choconut · 13/03/2023 20:19

They definitely won't want him if he isn't trained,

Editor’s note: In a follow-up story, Ukraine officials have again stressed that they are only seeking those with military training to take part in combat. People without military training or combat experience should not travel to Ukraine intending to fight, officials added.

Hawkins003 · 13/03/2023 20:20

HeartShapedRug · 09/03/2023 20:38

Making sacrifices - no
Dodging responsibilities and living in fantasy land - yes

Didn't know it's illegal - not sure he does either

He is very hard radical left wing - believes in fighting for ideological reasons and always talked about wanting a revolution and 'joining the fight' though never did more than be part of some rather sad political groups.

He told the children after we split that he'd been in the army and got a significant life changing injury in the course of duty. He'd never mentioned this in the course of our 10 year relationship, so when dc told me I expressed surprise along the lines of 'gosh, I didn't know that'. He has decided this constitutes me telling them he was lying and said when he told me of his Ukraine plan that it would prove to the children that he wasn't lying.

I seriously doubt he has anything of any use to offer over there. He did sound serious but also could well have been trying to upset me. He has form.

I believe he would be classed as a terrorist as a non state actor I believe

Hawkins003 · 13/03/2023 20:21

Choconut · 13/03/2023 20:19

They definitely won't want him if he isn't trained,

Editor’s note: In a follow-up story, Ukraine officials have again stressed that they are only seeking those with military training to take part in combat. People without military training or combat experience should not travel to Ukraine intending to fight, officials added.

Otherwise it could be debated that without proper training etc, it's pretty much a number to the body count,