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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me, how do I do this.

39 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 09/03/2023 06:59

Please help me reconcile this, I feel like I am getting unwell with worry.

Our set up is me, 12yo son, 8yo son (with suspected ASD) and our beautiful dog. I mainly WFH for an org based in Edinburgh, I work 30 hpw and just got promoted in February. We have lived in a 3 bedroom semi which I have rented for over 8 years in a small village outside Edinburgh. The landlord has discussed selling and changed her mind about when a few times.

My grandmother has had to move and has given us her 3 bed flat in Edinburgh Southside. It took me 6 months to decide to take it because I don't want to move and leave our easy set up living right next to the school and our gardens and being out in the country. But we need a secure home and rental properties in Scotland (and I'm sure elsewhere) are so squeezed and we are priced out of anything similar.

I told my children yesterday about the move and they are distraught.

I had spoken to the HS and primary and both agreed fine to keep boys where they are. 8yo has a lot of input, play therapy, time out of classroom. He's been expelled for 3 days before but the school know him well and I work very hard with them to keep things going. He has very low confidence and operates in constant fight or flight. 12 yo also has low confidence.

Anyway, it will be a 30 minute commute to the schools, 30 minutes home again, then log into work, then log off again to do it all again. Eldest has football which is again based on the school campus, so twice a week it means going back again for that. Then of course the dog needs walked several times a day.

I know its best to keep them at their schools for various reasons. I really feel like a monumental failure.

I don't know how to juggle it all, I'm going to put in a flexible working request to change my work pattern, I thought 6 hours a day, I Currently don't work on a Friday so I can help my grandmother.

I am so stressed, I can't think straight.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2023 07:01

Can you access any kind of school transport?

Stickmansmum · 09/03/2023 07:02

Rent the flat out and stay where you are until the little one is out of primary.

or move and get the kids into a much nearer school.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 07:02

Sell the property your gran gave you and buy somewhere in area where you currently live and everyone happy

Lougle · 09/03/2023 07:03

Can you work closer to your DSs' schools? Lots of pubs and cafes have deals where you can stay and have unlimited coffee/tea and a sandwich for £10/15, which would make sense if it avoids another 1 hour of driving and fuel.

Lougle · 09/03/2023 07:05

I feel your pain though. I have a DD at a school 30 minutes (45/1 hour on a bad motorway day) away, and another DD at college 45 minutes away from the school, so I spend most of my day driving. It's not fun.

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/03/2023 07:06

ok deep breaths. I'm a SP too and I get the logistics nightmare of trying to be in three places at once. First of all, is there any option for the Edinburgh place to be sold and your GM buy somewhere in the village for you to rent? Assuming not, and you are moving, thnk about how you can streamline things. Could the football move to a city based club? Could you stay at school or in a nearby cafe or something to save going back and forth on those days? Think about the journey - maybe get into habits of audiobooks that you all follow together, or numbers games once a week. You develop your own routines.

Work obviously, you'll have to just make your employer aware and figure it out as you go along. You can do this, just take it one step at a time.

carriedout · 09/03/2023 07:07
Flowers

This is actually a great opportunity, your grandmother has given you a home?

Change, even good change, is stressful. It challenges us. Take a few deep breaths.

Will you own the flat or are you just living in it? I'm wondering is there any risk you can't stay in it or use it as you wish long term.

I'm wondering can you sell the flat and offer to buy the landlord of your current house out?

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 09/03/2023 07:13

Re: the work… do you feel like they would accept the change to your working patterns? This could well be all a moot point otherwise.

the other thing… would the grandmother be willing to sell the flat and buy your current property instead? You indicated the landlord is back and forth over selling, or even depending on valuations a straight asset swap so you own the house and the landlord has the flat. …. This may be a way of just sorting out everyone’s issues.

NeverMindThatPie · 09/03/2023 07:15

Thank you for your replies.

The flat will stay in Grandmother's name, so instead of saying "give us a flat" it should read "letting us live in the flat until she dies at which point I will get some money on its sale or stay in it and buy out my mum"

Grandmother was going to sell as I told her that was my preference, and she was going to give me some money, but I looked at mortgages and I couldn't get anything with 3 bedrooms, and 2 bedrooms I could afford are in very run down areas and very small. The boys have an awful relationship so they need their own room. I panicked, and haven't stopped panicking. I said I'd take the flat on Monday.

I thought I'd need to drop my hours.

Changingplace · 09/03/2023 07:21

NeverMindThatPie · 09/03/2023 07:15

Thank you for your replies.

The flat will stay in Grandmother's name, so instead of saying "give us a flat" it should read "letting us live in the flat until she dies at which point I will get some money on its sale or stay in it and buy out my mum"

Grandmother was going to sell as I told her that was my preference, and she was going to give me some money, but I looked at mortgages and I couldn't get anything with 3 bedrooms, and 2 bedrooms I could afford are in very run down areas and very small. The boys have an awful relationship so they need their own room. I panicked, and haven't stopped panicking. I said I'd take the flat on Monday.

I thought I'd need to drop my hours.

Name change fail?

Where is your grandma moving to? Isn’t there a risk the flat might need to be sold for her care rather than automatically coming to you?

Couldn’t the flat be rented out and she gives you that money to subsidise where you currently live if the flat location doesn’t work for you?

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 09/03/2023 07:28

Yes name change fail.

I thought the flat was a good idea, well better than possibly having no home or an unsuitable one. It's a great flat in a great location

I thought I could keep youngest at primary until the new year and risk moving him. I contacted HS transport, and they could take him from almost a half way point, but eldest doesn't want to do that. He also adores his football team and has been there for 4 years.

I wish grandmother would phone and tell me she's selling. I feel like I can't go back on the decision.

OP posts:
furryfrontbottom · 09/03/2023 07:31

For most of us, being given a free flat would be an overwhelmingly positive experience, but if you really can't cope with so much good fortune, you can always turn it down.

Zonder · 09/03/2023 07:39

It sounds like a bit of a white elephant. I'd go for renting it out. If it was sold could you buy your current place?

sashh · 09/03/2023 07:46

Your 12 year old is old enough to get himself to / from school.

The problem I can see is that when GM sadly passes away you could end up homeless.

Will you be paying rent?

Can you buy part of the flat?

Would your current landlord let you buy your current house?

Changingplace · 09/03/2023 07:56

I wish grandmother would phone and tell me she's selling. I feel like I can't go back on the decision.

Shes not a mind reader, you need to talk this through with her.

Where is she moving to? Will you need to pay rent on the flat or does she own it outright?

Couldn’t the flat be rented to someone else and she helps you out with that money and you stay in your location?

A dog in a flat isn’t something I’d choose (spoken by the person who’s dog wants letting out for a wee at 6am…)

Dogscanteatonions · 09/03/2023 08:01

Honestly a 30 minute commute each way really isn't that long at all. Tons of people do far longer than that. My bus journey to school was an hour an a quarter. It will be fine, you'll get used to it.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 09/03/2023 08:04

Is grandmother going into care?

Squamata · 09/03/2023 08:04

Is your gran moving into sheltered accommodation or a home? Does she have a specific condition, or just wanted to move?

I don't think you should move from your current set up. But for the money, you wouldn't dream of choosing that location and type of property. Take money out of the equation and you wouldn't move.

I'd explain to your gran that it's not best for the kids. See what she wants to do about the flat. I think not living in it for a year or so might make her less connected to it and wanting to hang on to it - you could offer to take care of it while you all decide what to do, use it on weekends etc.

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 09/03/2023 08:06

Is it a rent free arrangement moving into grandma flat? I just think you need to do the whole list out positives and negatives and see which one wins - I get the whole security thing but without meaning to be crass granny could die next month. I just can’t see how that would be much more stable xx

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/03/2023 08:11

That doesn't seem unusual to me? It took 45 minutes for me to get to school and - while annoying - it was fine!

Take the dog out on lunch break and in the morning. You may have to get up a bit earlier and go to bed earlier.

stonebrambleboy · 09/03/2023 08:11

Take the flat and as you are not paying rent reduce your hours (? drop a day) and do the commute to school.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/03/2023 08:15

Could you use after school care for the youngest and do some travel training with your oldest to get home from school? In reality you’ll potentially have years of juggling travel if you keep them in their current schools, is it worth exploring school options in your new location - you may well find a primary school with more resources/better supports for asd in your new location. While changing schools isn’t ideal, both children are at an age where they’ll be able to join new friendship groups etc so short term disruption for a more settled life all round may be an ok payoff..

Pinkdelight3 · 09/03/2023 08:17

It all seems like a wise and doable plan. The only sticking point is this reaction which is understandable for kids, esp with ASD in the mix (my DS is the same so I get it). No one likes change but avoiding it doesn't help matters, not when it's something ultimately good for your family's future and security. I'd not over-react, stay calm and positive and stick with the plan, figuring out the work/commute/school stuff one step at a time. They'll get used to it and adjust and be better able to cope as a result.

wonkylegs · 09/03/2023 08:19

I don't know what the rules are in Scotland (sorry I've only battled with Wales & England)
But make sure that if she's going into care that the funds are not needed from the flat (at any stage) if they are you could be forced to move or pay rent (at market rate) as it will be considered as part of her assets which they can recoup towards care.
Also need to look into any inheritance tax implications for later stages
'Gifting' elderly people's assists is a minefield when it comes to 'deprivation of assets' and 'inheritance' and its very easy to fall foul without realising.

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 09/03/2023 08:19

I will be paying grandmother rent.

I do recognise we are fortunate to have this to land on, I know lots of people would love to live there, I don't mean to seem ungrateful. It's just moving there feels like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, it's forced and so much compromise needed. Our space here is bigger, we have gardens and a lovely view, I'm okay to give that up, if it were just me I would have jumped at the chance to live in Edinburgh, its also very close to My work, but its not just me, and the boys matter more.

If she dies, I should get some money, but it won't be enough to buy the flat as its worth over 300, we had it valued.

I'm sorry that I seem moaning, I just feel awful, like I've failed as a mum because I'm renting. We were only supposed to be here for a while before buying a place, but another woman caught my exs eye and her we are 8 years later.

OP posts:
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