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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me, how do I do this.

39 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 09/03/2023 06:59

Please help me reconcile this, I feel like I am getting unwell with worry.

Our set up is me, 12yo son, 8yo son (with suspected ASD) and our beautiful dog. I mainly WFH for an org based in Edinburgh, I work 30 hpw and just got promoted in February. We have lived in a 3 bedroom semi which I have rented for over 8 years in a small village outside Edinburgh. The landlord has discussed selling and changed her mind about when a few times.

My grandmother has had to move and has given us her 3 bed flat in Edinburgh Southside. It took me 6 months to decide to take it because I don't want to move and leave our easy set up living right next to the school and our gardens and being out in the country. But we need a secure home and rental properties in Scotland (and I'm sure elsewhere) are so squeezed and we are priced out of anything similar.

I told my children yesterday about the move and they are distraught.

I had spoken to the HS and primary and both agreed fine to keep boys where they are. 8yo has a lot of input, play therapy, time out of classroom. He's been expelled for 3 days before but the school know him well and I work very hard with them to keep things going. He has very low confidence and operates in constant fight or flight. 12 yo also has low confidence.

Anyway, it will be a 30 minute commute to the schools, 30 minutes home again, then log into work, then log off again to do it all again. Eldest has football which is again based on the school campus, so twice a week it means going back again for that. Then of course the dog needs walked several times a day.

I know its best to keep them at their schools for various reasons. I really feel like a monumental failure.

I don't know how to juggle it all, I'm going to put in a flexible working request to change my work pattern, I thought 6 hours a day, I Currently don't work on a Friday so I can help my grandmother.

I am so stressed, I can't think straight.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/03/2023 08:26

You sound like your hearts really not in it. Could you stay put, save as much as you can to add to whatever money might come your way in the form of inheritance and buy something from there? Look to increase your earning power where possible? It just sounds like a lot of stress for something that solves one problem while creating other problems.

weebarra · 09/03/2023 08:26

So DS1 is in S1?
I think the halfway transport is a decent compromise. I know the Southside well and I suppose part of the issue will be what side of the city the current schools are on? He'll be able to travel himself soon enough.
You could always research the local primaries, but if DS2 gets good provision where he is I'd keep him there!

Marie2023 · 09/03/2023 08:28

No, don't take the flat. You've got a lovely set up. Don't mess with it. Besides which, if your grandma needs money for care, the flat will be sold.

Theeaglesoared · 09/03/2023 08:31

I would stay where you are. Keep it simple for now.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2023 08:36

furryfrontbottom · 09/03/2023 07:31

For most of us, being given a free flat would be an overwhelmingly positive experience, but if you really can't cope with so much good fortune, you can always turn it down.

Try trading OP's posts. It usually helps avoid being an arse.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2023 08:37

reading 🤦🏻‍♀️

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2023 08:42

OP, I feel sorry for you, that's a lot of stress.

Don't move to the flat, at least not without a firmer agreement.

Your current set up works, but I know there's the worry about LL selling. If that did happen, I'd imagine you could rent something else in your village.

Moving to your gran's flat is still renting. You can't guarantee it wouldn't need to be sold to pay for care & you'd have to move anyway.

It's a lot of disruption for the DCs & while 30 mins isn't terrible, it's a whole lot of extra travelling cumulatively that you've to do alone (I'm also a single parent & know what this is like).

I think then have a proper conversation with your mum & gran, regarding what your future entitlement will be. I note you already take Fridays off to help your gran (or is this just a one-off?) You need to think if this is really practical for you.

Good luck. And you have not failed 💐

Original poster

OnTheGoAlways · 09/03/2023 09:00

I don't want to drip feed, I should have mentioned earlier as it is relevant, but we are a little excluded here, which was another reason to leave but one I don't feel anywhere near as strongly about now.

DS2 was excluded for 3 days last year, during that time he hit another child whose parents raised a police complaint, it wasn't taken any further, but we haven't been to any of the school parties (Halloween/Xmas) because of this. So although where we are is pretty perfect for school, dog, space to WFH, we don't have any real social connections. DS2 has some friends now and their parents seem more understanding but I don't stop and talk really.

OP posts:

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:56

Yes that is a drip feed op

it sounds like perhaps you have a more serious issue with your son that needs to be your top priority

carriedout · 09/03/2023 11:12

That's a huge drip feed!

Perhaps the fresh start would be good.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:14

And I remember your other recent thread about your son punching several teachers in the face.

op - it sounds like your son needs some pretty extensive intervention and maybe a different school environment would be a good thing

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:16

How far is the new place from their father?

Marmighty · 09/03/2023 11:28

What does your Grandma get out of the arrangement, is it just that her tenant is family so the informality of it is more flexible for her? It seems to be couched that she's doing you a favour but if you're paying rent anyway then she's not really and the flat just seems unsuitable for your family at the moment, not least because of the dog. You've struggled to make the decision because it's not a good one.

Let your Grandma rent out the flat. Then look separately at whether you are happy with your current set up. If your son has significant behavioural issues, your priority should be getting the right educational setting for him. Then see if your living arrangements need adjusting.

StatisticallyChallenged · 09/03/2023 11:54

What is the public transport like in the village?

We've done the reverse, moved out from Edinburgh but still have a child at school there, however the public transport is good and there's a school bus. So our 12 year old won't be reliant on us playing chauffeur too much in years to come.

Your youngest doesn't sound that settled.

I'd be tempted to actually bite the bullet and make the move wholeheartedly. And if say that as someone with ASD. The longer days, travelling, trickier to spend time with their school friends... long term I think you might be happier if you fully commit to this move. There's some great schools on the Southside too

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