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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you throw your things on the floor, I’m putting them in the bin!

29 replies

Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 19:04

Dh shouted this at Dd, 4 earlier, he said he spoke firmly, but he didn’t, she ran off and cried. She’d cut some heart things out and threw them around like confetti (annoying, yes, that bad though?)
I said it was harsh and he said she needs to learn to tidy up and he’s not tidying all her stuff up.
I said there are ways of doing it and shouting at a 4 year old to tidy up won’t work. I said I do it with her like a game or help her a bit as she’s only young, tbf when in the right mood, she does a great job of tidying up
I just find him so harsh in things. She’s really difficult to get ready for school at the moment (has been ill and doesn’t want to go in, but Is ok when there)
He’s usually gone off to work and I get her ready and take her, then go to work. He was off this week and witnessed how she was and just went nuts, shouting that she needed to get ready and shouting he was sick of it and slamming doors.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
earsup · 08/03/2023 19:11

I used to stick a post it note to items chucked on floor, and wrote on it, " item will be binned, if not removed, picked up or put away in 3 days "....i did it....it worked !

pigsDOfly · 08/03/2023 19:12

Who is being unreasonable here?

Do you really need to ask?

He's shouting at a 4 year old child and slamming doors because he doesn't get thing done the way he wants?

He threatens to put the hearts she cut out into the bin because they were on the floor?

He sounds like a bully.

If he wants his little girl to grow up crushed and fearful of his reactions to anything she doe that doesn't live up to his exacting standards he's going the right way about it.

His behaviour is horrible.

NumberTheory · 08/03/2023 19:18

Shouting at a 4 year old is almost always unreasonable. But I also see why some adults find it unreasonable to have to turn everything into a game to get young children to do what they need to.

Sounds like you could do with a bit of help with parenting as a couple, coming up with a consistent way to parent that will work and you are both happy with.

But if he’s slamming doors in annoyance I would be concerned that he wasn’t really prepared to do that and is just expecting everything to fall into position to fit how he wants his life to be.

BatwomansRevenge · 08/03/2023 19:30

You don't have to make it into a game. Nor do you have to shout.

You tell the child that if they make a mess, they'll have to tidy it up.

You ask them nicely to tidy and offer to help if needed, as not all 4 year olds could do this by themselves. You repeat the request if needed, calmly, once or twice.

If they refuse, you explain calmly that if you have to do it yourself, you will put them in the bin so they don't make the mess again.

This is how children learn that they can't leave mess all over the house, without also expecting adults to make every single little thing into fun entertainment for them.

He needs to be more patient (and stop slamming doors) but it's perfectly acceptable for four year olds to learn that their actions have consequences.

AlwaysLatte · 08/03/2023 19:32

Sorry, I'd have been throwing the confetti too then made a game of tidying it up. She's only little, and you can make it fun and still get the required result.

DemelzaandRoss · 08/03/2023 19:41

Wow, some of you on MN really need to lighten up. What a fun household. Not.
I certainly wouldn’t be able to put up with your DC. He sounds like a bully, will only get worse when she’s hormonal….or presumably you are.
Huge red flag for me, wondering if this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 19:44

@pigsDOfly He said she was deliberately throwing them everywhere making a mess

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 08/03/2023 19:48

Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 19:44

@pigsDOfly He said she was deliberately throwing them everywhere making a mess

She was playing.

They can then be cleared up with resorting to threats, surely.

pigsDOfly · 08/03/2023 19:51

Without resorting to threats, that should be.

Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 19:52

@pigsDOfly Totally agree. Feel
hes too harsh lately and I keep saying it, worried it will mess her up 🥲

OP posts:
Sleepless1096 · 08/03/2023 19:56

I'd tell him that things were easier when you only had one child to deal with and manage their emotions. Now you've got two, you're finding it quite tricky.

Suzi888 · 08/03/2023 19:57

BatwomansRevenge · 08/03/2023 19:30

You don't have to make it into a game. Nor do you have to shout.

You tell the child that if they make a mess, they'll have to tidy it up.

You ask them nicely to tidy and offer to help if needed, as not all 4 year olds could do this by themselves. You repeat the request if needed, calmly, once or twice.

If they refuse, you explain calmly that if you have to do it yourself, you will put them in the bin so they don't make the mess again.

This is how children learn that they can't leave mess all over the house, without also expecting adults to make every single little thing into fun entertainment for them.

He needs to be more patient (and stop slamming doors) but it's perfectly acceptable for four year olds to learn that their actions have consequences.

^ This

You have different parenting styles and expectations. Was he raised by strict parents? He sounds stressed and possibly disappointed /frustrated that you allow her to make a mess.. I don’t know.

Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 19:58

@Suzi888 His parents weren’t strict at all. He’s had a bad flu/cough/cold but we all have. I just find he is impatient with her and I hate it

OP posts:
Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:00

@Suzi888 I don’t allow her to make a mess and tidying up a lot, but I expect that with a 4 year old. I was upstairs in bed (flu) and I just think he didn’t want to have to tidy up so was cross at her

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 08/03/2023 20:01

Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 19:44

@pigsDOfly He said she was deliberately throwing them everywhere making a mess

He does realise that this is what 4 year olds do ? It was only paper.
Sounds like DH hasn’t outgrown the tantrum stage, he needs to get a grip.

Clymene · 08/03/2023 20:02

He's a fucking abusive arsehole

Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:03

@Sleepless1096 Exactly. The situation with her not getting ready in the morning is stressful as we have to drop and get to work (well I do)
She does run around and refuse to get dressed, I sort of kind of have to talk her into it, or do it quickly whilst distracting her, shouting at her doesn’t work. He just can’t cope and gets angry and slams doors, I’m worried this will affect her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:04

@Justmeandthedog1 Exactly! I think he expects way too much of her for her age? I keep telling him

OP posts:
Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:04

@Clymene Is that abusive though?

OP posts:
whatkatydid2013 · 08/03/2023 20:11

Shouting shouldn’t really be a strategy to get kids to do something. We all sometimes lose our temper and shout and that’s ok as we are human but you can’t make it the plan for now you handle behaviour you are unhappy with. If you just say firmly I’m not going to let you do x and if you don’t stop then y will happen and if they keep doing x you apply whatever the consequence is I think that is reasonable even if you are not always 100% in sync with what you allow. Slamming doors and stomping about like a teen in a huff is ridiculous behaviour for an adult though. Does he think afterwards he’s done anything wrong or that it was fine?

pigsDOfly · 08/03/2023 20:14

Children push boundaries.

He needs to model the behaviour he wants from her.

Calmness and co-operation will be far more effect than him also acting like a child, throwing a tantrum and slamming doors. That is definitely not going to teach her correct behaviour.

Sleepless1096 · 08/03/2023 20:22

Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:03

@Sleepless1096 Exactly. The situation with her not getting ready in the morning is stressful as we have to drop and get to work (well I do)
She does run around and refuse to get dressed, I sort of kind of have to talk her into it, or do it quickly whilst distracting her, shouting at her doesn’t work. He just can’t cope and gets angry and slams doors, I’m worried this will affect her?

Of course it will affect her and it's just not constructive. We also have busy mornings (small baby and 5yo) but shouting never works and just starts my DC off on the wrong foot at school for the day. As for an adult huffing and slamming doors... well, I have no words. It's not 'parenting' in any meaningful sense, is it?

So there are different approaches. Personally, I try to make it fun in the first instance, and then put on my stern voice if the messing around continues. I also bribe with TV... 10 minutes TV but only when dressed and ready to walk out. That gives me a chance to feed the baby. But the option which is definitely not available to me is slamming off in a huff because my child behaves like a child and not a robot.

Original poster
Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:29

I’m tired of saying it to him now, he asked her and can be great with her, but he also can be impatient and doesn’t just let her be sometimes
What am I supposed to do

OP posts:
Clymene · 08/03/2023 20:49

Springhurryupnow · 08/03/2023 20:04

@Clymene Is that abusive though?

Yes. He's shouting at her and threatening her with throwing away the things she loves. She's four. She doesn't have much and he's threatening her with putting the stuff she care about in the bin for nothing much. Being a bit untidy.

She's a baby.

Clymene · 08/03/2023 20:50

As for what you're supposed to do, tell him he's crossed a line. You need to protect your child. She shouldn't ever be frightened by her parents.

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