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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I’m confused’

28 replies

Havealovelydaytoday · 08/03/2023 15:10

AIBU to hate this in a passive aggressive way that it’s used on here?

’I’m confused that you were offended by this …’

‘I’m confused that you decided to take him back after his affair’

‘I’m confused that you spent your last £5 on sweets’

What they mean is ‘I think you were a twat to …’ so AIBU to think say this and stop with the simpering ‘confused’? I HATE it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Havealovelydaytoday · 08/03/2023 15:11

And don’t even bother with thinking it’s hilarious to reply saying you’re confused. Before you do, it’s not funny.

OP posts:
NotTerfNorCis · 08/03/2023 15:11

It's polite imo.

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:12

Also "what a weird response"

Same bollox vibe

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:12

NotTerfNorCis · 08/03/2023 15:11

It's polite imo.

Is it F! 😁

Greensleeves · 08/03/2023 15:13

Yeah, it's one of my pet hates. My DH does it as well. If he doesn't like what you've said but doesn't think he's got the arguments/support in the room to contradict it directly, he'll announce "I'm confused". It's a power grab and it annoys the fuck out of me.

ShipOfTheseus · 08/03/2023 15:14

Because it’s polite and gentle. It gently leads the person into thinking a little more about whatever the issue is without someone accusing them in an aggressive manner, which would be rude.

Original poster
Havealovelydaytoday · 08/03/2023 15:15

Because it’s polite and gentle

Adjectives MN is famed for Hmm

OP posts:
QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:15

ShipOfTheseus · 08/03/2023 15:14

Because it’s polite and gentle. It gently leads the person into thinking a little more about whatever the issue is without someone accusing them in an aggressive manner, which would be rude.

It's totally aggressive

Original poster
Havealovelydaytoday · 08/03/2023 15:15

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:12

Also "what a weird response"

Same bollox vibe

Yes!

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 08/03/2023 15:16

What's even worse is 'baffled'

Muu · 08/03/2023 15:16

I agree. It’s just passive aggressive

Annoyingwurringnoise · 08/03/2023 15:17

It is passive aggressive, I use it on my DS sometimes, for example, when he’s eaten a whole bar of chocolate intended for us to share. ‘I’m confused about why you thought I wouldn’t want any’ etc.

Greensleeves · 08/03/2023 15:20

thaegumathteth · 08/03/2023 15:16

What's even worse is 'baffled'

Ah, 'baffled'. The ubiquitous motto of the toxic mother who can't understand why nobody wants to see her any more. They're all terminally 'baffled'.

mbosnz · 08/03/2023 15:27

I agree. It's also rather patronising and condescending, if it is an 'attempt to gently lead someone into thinking a little more about whatever the issue is'.

A bit like 'I mean this gently'. . .

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 15:33

Havealovelydaytoday · 08/03/2023 15:15

Because it’s polite and gentle

Adjectives MN is famed for Hmm

Fucks me right off.

"I calmly and gently told him to stop stamping on the babies head"

When did it become imperative to speak in a calm and gentle way all the time?

BertieBotts · 08/03/2023 15:42

I don't think it automatically means the confused person thinks the OP is a twat, I think it's a way of asking them to explain what their thought process was without being directly aggressive - saying "Explain this!!" makes you sound like an angry teacher, whereas saying "I'm confused" is more self-deprecating and is more like "Maybe it's me who is misunderstanding - could you clarify?"

But maybe it is passive aggresive and people should just say "Explain plz".

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:46

BertieBotts · 08/03/2023 15:42

I don't think it automatically means the confused person thinks the OP is a twat, I think it's a way of asking them to explain what their thought process was without being directly aggressive - saying "Explain this!!" makes you sound like an angry teacher, whereas saying "I'm confused" is more self-deprecating and is more like "Maybe it's me who is misunderstanding - could you clarify?"

But maybe it is passive aggresive and people should just say "Explain plz".

It means that the person saying it is a twat.

What they really mean is "that's bollox" but haven't actually got the balls to say it

ShipOfTheseus · 08/03/2023 15:51

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:46

It means that the person saying it is a twat.

What they really mean is "that's bollox" but haven't actually got the balls to say it

Show quote history

I don’t think it means that at all. I would never, ever call anyone a twat or say what they are saying is bollocks. Perhaps it might be better to say, “Can you explain why…?” I do concede that is better. It puts it back on the OP.

PixieLaLa · 08/03/2023 15:52

Its very passive aggressive!
Reminds me of a manager I use to work with where in meetings if anyone would have a different view point/objects she would screw her face up at them pretending to look confused and say “Sorry I don’t understand what you mean?” Sure you don’t….🙄

REP22 · 08/03/2023 15:53

I think it's bollockspeak for "I understand but I want to pretend I don't because I disagree with you."

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:54

@ShipOfTheseus

That's my point- you don't want to swear, which is fair enough

picklemewalnuts · 08/03/2023 16:00

It's useful when you think you must have hold of the wrong end of the stick, because you can't see what the issue is.
Maybe the people using it are actually trying to see your perspective?

Eg.
I could say 'Bollox, what a load of rubbish', but actually I like this person and they don't usually talk crap so I'd better check.

Nope, still can't see what you are worrying about, I must be missing something. Explain it again.

Kitchenette · 08/03/2023 16:01

QuertyGirl · 08/03/2023 15:12

Also "what a weird response"

Same bollox vibe

Some responses are weird though. I remember posting on the Christmas board last year for some advice with one of DC's Christmas presents and got a long reply from someone calling me a shit mum because they had received some sub-standard Christmas presents as a child and as a result hated their parents, just as my DC would hate me. Hard to respond to that without at least acknowledging the weirdness.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 16:06

Yeah there's no way people are really thar confused. Along with "it's odd" when it's not odd it's just not what they would have done

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 16:08

ShipOfTheseus · 08/03/2023 15:14

Because it’s polite and gentle. It gently leads the person into thinking a little more about whatever the issue is without someone accusing them in an aggressive manner, which would be rude.

It isn't at all.
It's really rude and just makes the poster seem so narrow minded they have no concept of anything outside their own thought process