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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering asking for further clarification on this detention?

47 replies

Mumofbengalcats · 08/03/2023 15:07

Hi, my daughter is in Year 9 at secondary and is your typical 'good' student.

She's developed a little bit of an attitude at home and an interest in makeup, is usually a rule follower at school but over the last few weeks has 'forgotten' to take nail polish off after the weekend and a couple of times has kind of....can't think how to word it but has been talking about teachers in a not very respectful way (things like "such and such was such an idiot today, they didn't listen to my friend when she was..." kind of thing).

Yesterday she came home from school and immediately mentioned she'd had a stomach ache through PE. A little later on, a notification from the school popped up on my phone saying she had a behaviour incident (one point) for 'lack of effort' in PE.

I asked what had happened and made it clear I was disappointed in her getting a behaviour point and she was all teary, explaining in a round about way that the teacher had noticed she wasnt doing much in PE and she'd told the teacher she had a stomach ache "but I wasn't sure if she heard me or not", then a little later on the teacher told her to get a ball, dd walked to get it but then someone picked up the ball and there weren't any others, so she got in trouble again.

Sounds shady to me and I'm sure there was more to it (dd actively looked mardy all lesson or something), but an after school 20 min detention for today has now popped up on my phone.

So. I'm mortified that dd has her first ever detention, but I don't know whether to ask school for clarification on what happened (and I imagine the only answer I'd get from the teacher would be that dd looked and acted disinterested or something - otherwise surely the negative point would've been marked under something other than lack of effort?) or just leave it and 'side with the school' so it doesn't look like I'm undermining their discipline policy?

It just all seems a bit harsh for a first offence?
Wwyd?

OP posts:
jgw1 · 08/03/2023 15:11

Once a student has had a few detentions they quickly learn that they really aren't anything to worry about. Which is why on your description I wouldn't be putting your daughter in detention.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2023 15:11

I’d gauge from my DD whether they felt the detention was truly unwarranted. I’d imagine she either already knows she’s got a detention and was hoping to avoid discussing it with you (because indeed she was shoring some attitude/disrespect, or something else happened) or she doesn’t know yet about the detention and will be outraged and full of righteous indignation, which is when you can offer to support her by talking to school.

Basically, play it by ear.

9Feb · 08/03/2023 15:13

Are you sure it’s a first offence? It might be the first one with consequences which involve the parent.

BibbleandSqwauk · 08/03/2023 15:13

It's 20 minutes!! Please don't be that parent. A "mardy" 14 year old, if left unchallenged encourages further rudeness from others, or her. You've acknowledged she's being a madam and the reality is probably a fair bit further down the line than you think or she's told you. Tell her to suck it up and if it is really the (unlikely) case it was a bit unfair then it's a valuable lesson that sometimes that happens.

CallieJones · 08/03/2023 15:17

A 20 minute detention isn't harsh at all. It's sitting in a room for 20 minutes.

CallieJones · 08/03/2023 15:19

It seems a bit of an over reaction that you say you are mortified your dd has a 20 minute detention

Mañanarama · 08/03/2023 15:20

Yes you should side with the school. Hopefully your daughter will be truthful about why she got a detention and won’t do it again.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2023 15:20

I would probably leave it. She sounds like she had a bit of an attitude and the teacher is trying to nip it in the bud. It's just a detention - don't make a big deal out of it. No need to be mortified!

If your daughter is ill and can't do PE she needs to speak to the teacher at the start of the lesson. Otherwise she should make an effort. But really I would not talk to her about it further unless she brings it up.

Wednesdayonline · 08/03/2023 15:24

Seems like she came home saying she had a bad stomach throughout the lesson to have a prepared excuse for the detention alert that was coming. Then says she doesn't know if the teacher heard her, which again seems unlikely and more likely it was never said. Sounds like she got detention for purposely not putting in any effort and probably ignoring the teachers comments/warnings about it. Teenagers can be sneaky. Also no way to know really if this is the first time shes acted like this in school. You can raise it with the school but will probably get a different version of events than she has told you. Sounds like a justified detention and only 20 minutes anyway.

ShakespearesBlister · 08/03/2023 15:26

20 minutes? That will be over in no time.

pointythings · 08/03/2023 15:28

A detention is honestly not a big deal. It's kind of a rite of passage. Your DD will cope.

She sounds like a normal Yr9 to me - Yr9 is the very worst school year in the world. They normally pick themselves up and improve in Yr10.

LolaSmiles · 08/03/2023 15:29

It sounds like she's had a poor attitude, got a detention and was ready with excuses at home to buffer your response.

Detentions are usually issued after a pupil has been given warnings or spoken to.

Starflecked · 08/03/2023 15:29

Why on earth would you get involved? It's a 20 minute detention.

Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 15:29

No, for goodness sake, don't ask for "clarifications" - the teacher has probably issued 10 other detentions since then, they won't remember the details.

No, I doubt it was a first offense.

KStockHERO · 08/03/2023 15:35

Mate, in the kindest possible way, chill the fuck out.

Me and my mum used to joke that 4:30pm was my home-time because of the amount of 1-hour detentions that I used to get.

Some were warranted. Some weren't warranted. Some were my fault. Some were my friends' fault. Some were teachers just being dicks. Some were me just being a twatty teenager. Some I told my mum the full truth about. Some I lied through my teeth about.

It's fine. Just chill. Say nothing.

Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 15:36

KStockHERO · 08/03/2023 15:35

Mate, in the kindest possible way, chill the fuck out.

Me and my mum used to joke that 4:30pm was my home-time because of the amount of 1-hour detentions that I used to get.

Some were warranted. Some weren't warranted. Some were my fault. Some were my friends' fault. Some were teachers just being dicks. Some were me just being a twatty teenager. Some I told my mum the full truth about. Some I lied through my teeth about.

It's fine. Just chill. Say nothing.

great post!

Barelyable · 08/03/2023 15:39

Yep...I'm writing this day in a snowy car park waiting for my son on his 2nd detention this week 🙄 not for anything evil, just not knowing when to stop talking. They're lucky if they don't ever get one at some point!

TeenDivided · 08/03/2023 15:41

Barelyable · 08/03/2023 15:39

Yep...I'm writing this day in a snowy car park waiting for my son on his 2nd detention this week 🙄 not for anything evil, just not knowing when to stop talking. They're lucky if they don't ever get one at some point!

To be fair, talking in lessons disrupts teaching and the learning & working of other students. It's really disrespectful, and worse than 'lack of effort' which only impacts that pupils, not others.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 08/03/2023 15:53

Oh, God, another one of those parents.

SimplySipping · 08/03/2023 16:00

Ours get detentions for forgotten rulers these days. Stop being mortified, just accept her taking the (very small) detention. Anything else is making a mountain out if a molehill.

You say she's had a bit of an attitude problem lately so it's quite unlikely she wasn't given any chances.

starfishmummy · 08/03/2023 16:01

Ds's school always sent full details home. I don't think asking for clarification is being "one of those parents" as long as the op acknowledges that she fully supports the decision even if it is ridiculous

Barelyable · 08/03/2023 16:02

@TeenDivided yes thanks for that patronising lesson!
I do understand all of that and am not blasé about it...I was just making the point that he hadn't done anything evil such as bullying and that they can be given for 'smaller things'

Phineyj · 08/03/2023 16:05

Teachers really don't set detentions for fun. This is between your daughter and school. Not you and school.

Hoppinggreen · 08/03/2023 16:11

My 14 year old had his first detention yesterday, thoroughly enjoyed it apparently!
He kicked another pupil and while there were extenuating circumstances he shouldn’t have done it and I have spoken to him about how he should have reacted rather than with violence.
I am not too bothered he got it and I certainly wouldn’t interfere with the school’s decision

zingally · 08/03/2023 16:16

It's not a first offence though, is it? You said yourself, she's had an attitude for weeks. This probably isn't the first time she's been told off by this teacher and they'd had enough.
Detention isn't really that big of a deal, but it might just be the wake-up call a normally good girl needs.
Don't get involved.