To be considering asking for further clarification on this detention?

[Mumofbengalcats]

Hi, my daughter is in Year 9 at secondary and is your typical 'good' student.

She's developed a little bit of an attitude at home and an interest in makeup, is usually a rule follower at school but over the last few weeks has 'forgotten' to take nail polish off after the weekend and a couple of times has kind of....can't think how to word it but has been talking about teachers in a not very respectful way (things like "such and such was such an idiot today, they didn't listen to my friend when she was..." kind of thing).

Yesterday she came home from school and immediately mentioned she'd had a stomach ache through PE. A little later on, a notification from the school popped up on my phone saying she had a behaviour incident (one point) for 'lack of effort' in PE.

I asked what had happened and made it clear I was disappointed in her getting a behaviour point and she was all teary, explaining in a round about way that the teacher had noticed she wasnt doing much in PE and she'd told the teacher she had a stomach ache "but I wasn't sure if she heard me or not", then a little later on the teacher told her to get a ball, dd walked to get it but then someone picked up the ball and there weren't any others, so she got in trouble again.

Sounds shady to me and I'm sure there was more to it (dd actively looked mardy all lesson or something), but an after school 20 min detention for today has now popped up on my phone.

So. I'm mortified that dd has her first ever detention, but I don't know whether to ask school for clarification on what happened (and I imagine the only answer I'd get from the teacher would be that dd looked and acted disinterested or something - otherwise surely the negative point would've been marked under something other than lack of effort?) or just leave it and 'side with the school' so it doesn't look like I'm undermining their discipline policy?

It just all seems a bit harsh for a first offence?
Wwyd?

I have a friend whose children are always ready with an excuse as to why they didn’t deserve that detention. The mother falls for it, every time, her perfect little prince and princess can do no wrong. Makes me laugh because with a bit of gentle questioning the kids will admit that there might be a little bit more to it than what they’ve told their mother, but their mother wouldn’t hear a word of it. I think even if it was all on film in 4k and surround sound she still wouldn’t believe it, or she’d make some sort of excuse for them. They aren’t bad kids, but they are very sly and manipulative, and they’ve got into some very dangerous situations because of the lack of boundaries. The whole thing is escalating really unpleasantly and I genuinely fear for those kids, the adults they’ll become and the poor sods who’ll have to deal with them. It doesn’t look like good preparation for an emotionally healthy adulthood to me.

I always roll my eyes at ready-made excuses. I wasn’t born yesterday, I was that age once as well. I let mine deal with the consequences, sometimes deserved, sometimes not, but that’s life, you learn to deal with it, pick your battles you need to and let the ones go that you don’t, but you can’t do that with mommy helicoptering in all the time.

I'd be backing the school 100% and not be asking for further clarification.

Your DD has obviously been messing about and not doing what she's told. I think the stomach ache is a convenient excuse after the fact.

I think you should leave it and just tell DD you expect more effort next time.

Chill out, let her suck it up. I would talk to her about picking her battles tho, giving side eye to teachers and docking about will result in consequences and are easily avoided.

Asking why, and then upon receiving a response, saying thank you, is not unreasonable.

Being a parent who believes their child can do no wrong, or giving that impression to others, is.

The only reason that I would be calling for clarification would be to check that DD wasn't being any more of a little madam than is implied by the 'lack of effort' and that I didn't need to have serious words with her for being a persistent pita.

I do love the word 'mardy'.

Thanks all.

My instinct was to just leave it because imo the teacher was probably justified and questioning it would just have annoyed the teacher, make me look like one of 'those parents' as someone else suggested, and undermine the teacher and her decisions.

I left it, my dd came out smiling so I told her I won't be accepting any more detentions and maybe the message has sunk in. If not, I'll cross that bridge if I get to it I suppose.

Oh and to whoever told me to chill, well; I get your point but I never had any detentions through my school career, neither has her older brother and I didn't expect that she would ever behave badly in school either, hence my being mortified.

But thanks all for the advice

That's exactly the way I would have worded it to the school.

Definitely not in a "my dd is an angel and can't possibly have done anything wrong" kind of way!

You need to back the school OP. It sounds as if your daughter is becoming a bit of a madam at school and they're trying to nip it in the bud. Ignore this shit at your perile tbh.

Please don’t undermine the teachers over this.

Unless her 20 min detention means she's going to miss an important appointment or she'll be stranded at school, I would just let it go and definitely wouldn't be ringing school.

That's what I wondered.

I'm glad it turned out ok OP.

There is some power in both you and her getting over this idea that a detention is a catastrophe. We learn from making mistakes, and perfectionism can feed misery, low self esteem, anxiety and lack of perspective. If you want her to be open with you, it needs to be ok for her to make mistakes sometimes, practice taking responsibility and moving on from them.

I understand OP. I had 2 dc who got one detention each in 5 years and then along came dc3 who has adhd and seems to get a detention every other week. Mostly he has no recollection at all of why he got the detention so I do ring to ask for clarification. I make it clear that I am not claiming he is innocent, just asking what he did as he seems to have selective memory loss whenever he is in trouble.

I’m inclined to think the stomach ache is an after-the-event cover story. I think I’d want to know what happened so I could have a word with my daughter about her attitude. And potentially about fibbing.

PS. I think it’s ok to not be absolutely fine with your daughter getting a detention. You’ve entitled to expect that she’ll behave respectfully in lessons!

hmm, glad you think it's "nothing evil". There is another thread running where a mother is in total desperation for her poor child who's class has run out of time to finish their GCSE spec.
Do the whole world a favour and take sabotaging the education of others a little more seriously please

Incidentally, my school now has a policy of never explaining detentions now, as it just lays you open for an argument. In my last school we gave a lot of details, and yes, I have found its better not to

You do know the reason though. It was lack of effort. You also say she has been showing more of a negative attitude lately. Seeking clarification for a 20 min detention and saying it is harsh for a first offence is undermining.

I agree. She was probably mardy and that had consequences. Maybe she did feel a bit off, but it sounds like she was a bit sulky.

So what? Teens are sulky and they get detentions. To be honest in your shoes I'd be congratulating myself on the fact my dd got to Y9 before she got a detention. In most schools it's incredibly easy to get one these days so she must be really well behaved normally.

Getting a detention does not show a lack of moral fibre on behalf of child or parent. The child has done something wrong, they suffer the consequence.

I told her I won't be accepting any more detentions and maybe the message has sunk in. If not, I'll cross that bridge if I get to it I suppose

If she does get another one just let it go. What happens in school gets punished in school. Nothing to do with parents unless it's serious or non-age-normal behaviour.

Detentions are not a reflection on you.

You won’t get full clarification though because teachers aren’t allowed to say, “ She was a pain in the arse all lesson, acted like a brat , wouldn’t shut the fuck up and quite frankly needs to sort her shit out”.

If leave alone unless DD was massively protesting her innocence to you to avoid further punishment. In which case I'd also be suspicious and call her bluff by faux innocently ask her if I should arrange a meeting with both her and teacher present to hear both sides.

Otherwise just leave alone, she I just a typical teenager and it sounds like she isnt that bad