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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To complain about class behaviour?

42 replies

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 12:30

Hello everyone, I8 homeschooled my middle child for three years from Year 3 onwards because she was falling behind quite significantly academically. The school said she was very sociable, cheerful and friends with everyone in the class. She was just falling behind in her maths and literacy. I took her out to homeschool as she wanted it too, her self esteem was becoming very low in school, she kept saying things like, "I'm no good at anything and I have the memory of a fish." Anyway, fast forward to September 2022, I sent her back to another school having caught her up and actually achieving beyond her years. She is studying towards the 11+ now. School say she is top of the class academically but is suffering a little socially. Totally the opposite of what her early years were like. They said she gets upset when kids say things to her. She has friends and is generally happy to go into school but can't understand why children say mean things even when they get told off and told not to do it again. I've told her to ignore them and walk away. But I feel like she is just being told to put up with immature, nasty behaviour. Her teacher keeps saying she needs to be more "streetwise". She's mature, loves conversations with all sorts of older children and adults alike. She has had so many home educated and school going friends and clubs where she never had problems like this. Maybe because the kids were generally kind and mature. The teacher again has said she needs to be more streetwise at parents' evening yesterday.Kids in her class are saying things like, do you want to see a vape? Your mum told me you're adopted. Let's wrap you up in a package and post you off to another country because your parents don't want you. They make sex noises, they're also calling teachers hot and sexy. There's a clique of girls in the class and she was told she is their target to make fun of by another child who is part of the clique. When they play games in the playground, they keep saying to her you cheated or you didn't score a goal, when in fact she did, but they will gang up and say no you didn't to make her feel bad about herself. It's just the collective, repetitive pattern of behaviour that is happening every week. I've told her to say stuff back to them but she never does. She said she says ti them that's not nice and walks away from the situation and they will follow her and she feels she is being antagonised. I've done role play at home with her too to help her deal with these comments but she still gets upset sometimes.I'm trying my very best to be objective here and not be too precious about my girl. Is this normal behaviour for children in primary school? Does she just need to be more tough? I've told her to be more tough but I feel massively guilty that maybe I'm not speaking up for her. She's a sensitive child generally (she will cry watching sad movies or get upset if she hears another child's parent is severely ill or has died) and she was a prem baby, she should have been born end of September but was born 2nd August instead so I'm quite conscious she is a year behind emotionally compared to her cohort, the majority who are already 10.AIBU if I complain to the HT about the class behaviour? Or is this normal, expected behaviour in schools and she should just toughen up and accept it?

OP posts:
MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 12:31

I'm sorry, I don't know where the paragraphs have gone on my post above.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 08/03/2023 12:46

She is the victim of sustained bullying , so I would escalate it over the head of a teacher who says she needs to toughen up. Approach head of year and/or head teacher, ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy, report to OFSTED if they don’t implement it.

Patchworksack · 08/03/2023 12:49

Check her phone if she has one as they often send horrible messages too. Screenshot if that’s the case.

Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 12:56

I am a teacher, please document/ complain/ escalate

This is terrible treatment and bullying, and either the teacher is ignoring, or is not equipped and supported to deal with it

Either way please complain and don't let it drop - the teacher will quite possibly be grateful to you if they need more support in dealing with this

Thank you - from a teacher

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 12:57

@Patchworksack Thank you for your response. She doesn't have a phone and that's another thing she gets comments about as they all have consoles, smart watches and phones. She has none of those but is allowed to use our phones or her kindle at home.

OP posts:
MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:00

@Nimbostratus100 The teacher has said previously that she finds the children challenging in that class and has said my daughter is how children should be, but because it is an inner city school, she has said the children come with problems from home and she can't do much else about it. Essentially blaming their home life.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 13:03

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:00

@Nimbostratus100 The teacher has said previously that she finds the children challenging in that class and has said my daughter is how children should be, but because it is an inner city school, she has said the children come with problems from home and she can't do much else about it. Essentially blaming their home life.

She is right, she can do absolutely nothing about it - alone. No teacher can. The discipline policy in schools comes from the managers, and the managers have to put in the energy and time to implement it, and support other staff in implementing it. You cant do anything without managers back up

PollyPut · 08/03/2023 13:04

@MelThomas1 you've put your daughter's DOB and your name on here. I would recommned you should copy your post, get the thread deleted and repost with less identifying information?

Patchworksack · 08/03/2023 13:14

You don’t get a phone until 11th birthday in our house but I know a lot of Y6 children have them. It’s a good thing she doesn’t have one yet - at least the bullying can’t follow her home via social media.

wantmorenow · 08/03/2023 13:17

As a teacher I agree it's not fair your daughter has to put up with this but teachers really have no ability to stop it. Realistically what do you think the school can do?

Kids throw things at teachers and other kids and nothing happens, schools are rarely nice quiet, well ordered places and sanctions don't work.

LolaSmiles · 08/03/2023 13:18

If she was being a bit over-sensitive to standard playground ups and downs then the teacher might have a point. Home educating communities are by their nature self-selecting and she does need to learn to get on with a lot of different people and different groups.

But this is beyond the typical ups and downs. She's being targeted in a nasty, bullying way and the school need to step up and do something about it. The fact the teacher is struggling with it suggests that management are no longer the adults in the room. Expecting a child to be more streetwise and gain more age-appropriate knowledge is not an appropriate solution to stop bullying.

I'd consider withdrawing or moving schools if you get nowhere eith the head.

Vloader23 · 08/03/2023 13:19

This is bullying so the school should be dealing with.
However it does sound like her poor self esteem is just manifesting itself in being easily upset by others and she's become a bit of a target.

Is there any support you can give her to build her confidence so these things are less upsetting? Joining a club, sports, etc.

Unfortunately you can't control what other people do but you can control how you react.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2023 13:23

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:00

@Nimbostratus100 The teacher has said previously that she finds the children challenging in that class and has said my daughter is how children should be, but because it is an inner city school, she has said the children come with problems from home and she can't do much else about it. Essentially blaming their home life.

I'd speak to the Head. If they're not tackling in appropriate behaviour, I'd be looking to move her. My kids go to an inner city school on a rough estate. No way in hell would they get away with this crap.

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:27

She does go to taekwondo, football and girl scouts. She was very socialised during home education, we had group activities everyday so she was not isolated. She went to forest school every week too and her teacher was always saying great things about her same as her football coach. I agree, that home educated kids were generally more better behaved and thoughtful, so it suited her own intrinsic nature to be around those kids.

The crying really is just manifesting at school and I do agree that she is quite a sensitive child but also wasn't sure if this is normal behaviour in schools and what children are expected to put up with. Is it going beyond normal playground "banter" and what does streetwise even mean? How am I supposed to make her streetwise? Any tips?

OP posts:
MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:32

@wantmorenow I'm not sure what I want th school to do. I'm trying to ascertain whether this is normal behaviour in schools first of all. Maybe she just needs to get used to it by the sounds of it. I just feel guilty as her mum that I keep telling her to get over it as that is what her teacher is implying too. It just doesn't sit right with me and as I said in my initial post I'm trying not to be too precious and go all guns blazing.

OP posts:
Cantseethewoodforthetree · 08/03/2023 13:32

I see this all too often in my kids high achieving state school. Nothing is done There is just no discipline at all these days, no respect for other kids. Adults wouldn’t get away with this sort of bullying in the workplace, so why should our kids have to put up with it.

PollyPut · 08/03/2023 13:35

I'd be going to talk to school about the situation to see what can be done. She's being bullied and this is not normal/acceptable in most schools.

But unless you want another 18 months of this peer group I'd also be looking into which other schools in the area might have space available or very short waiting list. Why did you choose this one?

Aweebitpainful · 08/03/2023 13:37

This is the schools failure imo. It’s exactly why we home educate.

wantmorenow · 08/03/2023 13:38

Unfortunately it'snot uncommon behaviour and worse again in secondary schools. Everyday I feel powerless to ensure nice kids have a lovely safe and quiet place to learn. i hate the mess that s permissive parenting, entitlement and toothless behaviour policies.

Cantseethewoodforthetree · 08/03/2023 13:53

The toothless behaviour policies are why my son was anxious for some time to go to school. He doesn’t like other kids randomly lashing out, or pushing, or shoving or screeching. It’s not kind behaviour, he’s not used to it and he finds it incredibly stressful. But this seems to be the norm these days. It’s brutal

Sugargliderwombat · 08/03/2023 13:55

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:00

@Nimbostratus100 The teacher has said previously that she finds the children challenging in that class and has said my daughter is how children should be, but because it is an inner city school, she has said the children come with problems from home and she can't do much else about it. Essentially blaming their home life.

Oh wow!!! So unprofessional. I'd ask for a meeting with the head for sure.

Sugargliderwombat · 08/03/2023 13:57

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 13:32

@wantmorenow I'm not sure what I want th school to do. I'm trying to ascertain whether this is normal behaviour in schools first of all. Maybe she just needs to get used to it by the sounds of it. I just feel guilty as her mum that I keep telling her to get over it as that is what her teacher is implying too. It just doesn't sit right with me and as I said in my initial post I'm trying not to be too precious and go all guns blazing.

To be honest it sounds like the teacher needs support and management need to be intervening about this behaviour.

Sleepless1096 · 08/03/2023 14:01

I'd be looking to move her to another school, if you can. Realistically, there's a limit to what you can do. The children involved can't be swapped out for nicer children, nor can you singlehandedly create a school culture in which their behaviour is not tolerated. And it does sound worse than the average. It's going to be hard for her to come back from being marked as a target. She shouldn't have to put up with this and it will destroy her confidence if you let it continue.

3487642I · 08/03/2023 14:04

Can you find a new school for her to attend?

3487642I · 08/03/2023 14:07

Sleepless1096 · 08/03/2023 14:01

I'd be looking to move her to another school, if you can. Realistically, there's a limit to what you can do. The children involved can't be swapped out for nicer children, nor can you singlehandedly create a school culture in which their behaviour is not tolerated. And it does sound worse than the average. It's going to be hard for her to come back from being marked as a target. She shouldn't have to put up with this and it will destroy her confidence if you let it continue.

Absolutely agree with this.

Also your daughter gets a good life lesson is knowing when to walk away and not stay in a situation while it continues to break you emotionally and psychologically... look at the many posts on mumsnet of women who have remained in abusive/unequal/terrible relationships.