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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To complain about class behaviour?

42 replies

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 12:30

Hello everyone, I8 homeschooled my middle child for three years from Year 3 onwards because she was falling behind quite significantly academically. The school said she was very sociable, cheerful and friends with everyone in the class. She was just falling behind in her maths and literacy. I took her out to homeschool as she wanted it too, her self esteem was becoming very low in school, she kept saying things like, "I'm no good at anything and I have the memory of a fish." Anyway, fast forward to September 2022, I sent her back to another school having caught her up and actually achieving beyond her years. She is studying towards the 11+ now. School say she is top of the class academically but is suffering a little socially. Totally the opposite of what her early years were like. They said she gets upset when kids say things to her. She has friends and is generally happy to go into school but can't understand why children say mean things even when they get told off and told not to do it again. I've told her to ignore them and walk away. But I feel like she is just being told to put up with immature, nasty behaviour. Her teacher keeps saying she needs to be more "streetwise". She's mature, loves conversations with all sorts of older children and adults alike. She has had so many home educated and school going friends and clubs where she never had problems like this. Maybe because the kids were generally kind and mature. The teacher again has said she needs to be more streetwise at parents' evening yesterday.Kids in her class are saying things like, do you want to see a vape? Your mum told me you're adopted. Let's wrap you up in a package and post you off to another country because your parents don't want you. They make sex noises, they're also calling teachers hot and sexy. There's a clique of girls in the class and she was told she is their target to make fun of by another child who is part of the clique. When they play games in the playground, they keep saying to her you cheated or you didn't score a goal, when in fact she did, but they will gang up and say no you didn't to make her feel bad about herself. It's just the collective, repetitive pattern of behaviour that is happening every week. I've told her to say stuff back to them but she never does. She said she says ti them that's not nice and walks away from the situation and they will follow her and she feels she is being antagonised. I've done role play at home with her too to help her deal with these comments but she still gets upset sometimes.I'm trying my very best to be objective here and not be too precious about my girl. Is this normal behaviour for children in primary school? Does she just need to be more tough? I've told her to be more tough but I feel massively guilty that maybe I'm not speaking up for her. She's a sensitive child generally (she will cry watching sad movies or get upset if she hears another child's parent is severely ill or has died) and she was a prem baby, she should have been born end of September but was born 2nd August instead so I'm quite conscious she is a year behind emotionally compared to her cohort, the majority who are already 10.AIBU if I complain to the HT about the class behaviour? Or is this normal, expected behaviour in schools and she should just toughen up and accept it?

OP posts:
TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 08/03/2023 14:13

Can you pull her back out to home ed till end of primary? Or did she want to be back in school? You'll also be able to do better prep for 11 plus, and in those schools you will, by definition, get more hard-working children, who would have had to do some work for the exam and be a bit clearer about their path.

Tekkentime · 08/03/2023 14:14

This is very common these days.

You go and teach your children to be respectful and kind, but the reality is that many other parents are encouraging their children to be bullies.

They think in turn that their kids won't be bullied, can stand up for themselves, aren't being targeted etc, so they turn a blind eye or actually promote these negative behaviours.

Tekkentime · 08/03/2023 14:15

It's a race to the bottom.

MelThomas1 · 08/03/2023 17:34

Thanks all for the replies. You have all said it's unacceptable behaviour and that gives me confidence in going to the HT to see how they have implemented the behavioural policy and if not, why not. My DD has said the assistant head has seen a lot of these incidences so I would like to ask them what they have done upon seeing this behaviour.

I am reluctant to change schools because I'm genuinely afraid of it happening at another school, but teacher friends keep reassuring me that not all HTs/teachers are so aloof in dealing with bullying and problematic behaviour.

I do wish I could homeschool for longer but it has been expensive and I stopped working to educate DD and we need the extra income now.

OP posts:
Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 09/03/2023 00:56

There are lots of mums who juggle working and home educating - some working full time - might be worth considering.

Aweebitpainful · 09/03/2023 01:09

Mine are younger than yours OP but I still work and home educate. I’ve just condensed my hours so I work three days a week full time… and their dad works three days a week full time. Might be worth seeing if you can do something like that. If you can’t then I would say change school.

lailamaria · 09/03/2023 14:45

in regards to your 'what do i do to make her streetwise' what does she do independently, does she go to the corner shop alone, does she play out, what independence does she have?

MelThomas1 · 22/03/2023 19:34

Hi, everyone.

I took everyone's advice and raised my concerns to the class teacher last week about the behaviour of the children. She said this is an ongoing issue from previous years and should have been dealt with earlier on. I can't do anything about it so late on in the year.

Just today another incident occurred with this group of girls ganging up on another girl and laughing at her for not wearing any underwear. They cornered her at the back of the classroom wall and she turned her face towards the wall and she cried. The teacher did nothing except to say sit down everyone.

The staff are now giving me a cold shoulder since I raised my concerns!! It's horrible going into drop my children off, they literally ignore me and make it obvious.

Are all schools like this? I need some hope. Honestly, feeling so deflated.

OP posts:
wp65 · 22/03/2023 19:41

No, this is not normal, and sounds appalling. I would write a detailed email to the headteacher outlining some of the worst incidents, as well as your concern that it isn't being dealt with. But I would also move your child to another school if you are able to. This one sounds shit.

wp65 · 22/03/2023 19:42

(P.s. I'm a teacher. This shouldn't be tolerated by the school.)

MelThomas1 · 22/03/2023 20:37

It's like they can't be bothered to deal with the behaviour. Teacher even agreed and said she has been shocked by some of the behaviour. I also made it clear that if my DD is misbehaving I would want to know so I can nip it in the bud. My concern is that my DD will start imitating the rest of these girls just to fit in, and once they become like that it is hard to reverse.

OP posts:
MelThomas1 · 22/03/2023 20:40

SLT in that school are just totally ignoring me now. BTW, I have never raised any concerns before, my DD is top of the class academically. Why on Earth would you treat parents like that?! Surely, having good performing students and dedicated parents who are involved in their child's learning are assets to your school?

OP posts:
Harping0n · 22/03/2023 20:55

Please remove her. We were in a similar situation once with DS. If there is no willingness by Teachers or SLT to change the situation then nothing will change. Nothing.
Its time to remove her.
I know it’s hard to believed that adults working with children don’t care about their welfare and bullying. And that they will do nothing about it. Once you accept that it’s easier to make your choice.
But in the mean time your DD is suffering. Probably more than she is telling you.

Hankunamatata · 22/03/2023 21:02

I'd go back to home schooling to prep for 11+

Fluffawuffla · 22/03/2023 21:04

Gosh. Your poor DD and poor you. I have a year 5 girls and can say that this is absolutely not normal or acceptable behaviour for her peer group. They sound horrible and the teacher sounds very ineffective.
Can she go to a different school?

Nimbostratus100 · 22/03/2023 21:25

the teacher can't do anything, it is the management that have to implement effective behaviour policies.

What you are describing is awful, and needs to be taken under control, by someone. It won't be the teacher though, it will be head, deputy, governors, LEA, MAT or someone with the authority to do it

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/03/2023 21:37

MelThomas1 · 22/03/2023 20:37

It's like they can't be bothered to deal with the behaviour. Teacher even agreed and said she has been shocked by some of the behaviour. I also made it clear that if my DD is misbehaving I would want to know so I can nip it in the bud. My concern is that my DD will start imitating the rest of these girls just to fit in, and once they become like that it is hard to reverse.

You need to move school. Now. It is not normal or acceptable and sounds like management is completely ineffective and useless. You can't change a whole school culture, you can't make them take action,you can't change shit. You can complain, and then go further to governors and even Ofsted but that takes time and it doesn't necessarily guarantee any positive changes either. In the meantime your daughter's wellbeing ,safety and self esteem and education are being put at risk every day.

Fuck that, and start looking around for a new school and make some phone calls tomorrow . You need to put her and her needs first. It's a good lesson for her to learn as well as when it's time to throw in the towel and just walk away from a toxic situation/environment. That school is toxic.

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