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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His mental health

34 replies

Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 08:57

Hi
Ive been seeing a guy for 6 weeks.
I’ve had a failed marriage and a couple of failed relationships due to choosing the wrong kind of man. Having learnt from my past mistakes I choose not to accept shitty behaviour towards me.
having said that this guy I’ve been seeing is just lovely. A lot of effort and communication through the day, lots of compliments etc
there was a wobble about a week in where he went weird on me and the effort stopped and he said he was just going through something mentally which I understood.

then this weekend I went out with my friends and he was going to pick me up and I was going to take us for a meal.
on Friday night he stopped txting me. I msged to ask if everything was ok and the next morning I saw that I’d had a miss call and a txt to say he had had a huge argument with his parents and walked out of the house.
i replied and said I’m so sorry etc…
I didn’t get a reply so tried to call him to make sure all was ok and he declined my call and sent a txt to say I’m not in the right frame of mind at the moment to talk, I need to take it steady for a few weeks

i said i understand but what do you mean by take it steady for a few weeks? Do you not want to see me anymore..it’s fine I just want to know where I stand.
he didn’t answer this and just said I need time. I thought ok he needs to be alone. Doesn’t want to t as ok to anyone etc…
i didn’t hear from him all that day but noticed he was constantly online so was obviously talking to someone it felt like it was just me he didn’t want to talk to.

selfishly I was quite upset that he had pushed me away. I am also suffering with my mental health at the moment as my mum has suspected lung cancer, and I guess I felt hurt cos although I’m going through a tough time at the moment I still prioritised him and tried to do nice things for him and just make sure he knew he was important to me.

i know we deal with things differently and like I said I know I’m being selfish.

a week or so ago (I realise this is really petty also but I felt how I felt) it came to my attention that he was liking lots of random girls pictures on social media. One was Valentine’s Day whilst I was cooking him a special meal.
i personally think it’s inappropriate to do this when you are trying to build a relationship with someone. I wouldn’t do it.
i spoke to him about it and he apologised and said I won’t do it again now I know it upsets you.

that was it and I never mentioned it again.

but after being ignored and pushed away all weekend, I sent a couple of msgs trying to explain that I want to be here for him and it hurts that I’m being pushed away and ignored. He just read the msgs and ignored me.
it came to my attention that he was liking girls pictures again all weekend.
it really hurt me.
i tried to talk to him about it and he won’t even acknowledge it.
he says he wants to be with me and will talk to me when he’s better but I just feel like it’s unfair to expect me to sit at home waiting for him to decide ok now I want to talk to her …I don’t know when that will be.
he’s online constantly and I don’t even get a good morning

it just hurts a bit.

i know I’m being super selfish…but I’m thinking of just ending it because I just feel shit, unimportant to him, not pretty enough as he’s oggling girls on social media knowing I’m upset,

Am I being a dick?

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 08/03/2023 08:59

End it you can do better. You said at the start that you are no longer allowing bad behaviour towards you, so don't.

Original poster
Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:02

I just feel like I’m being unreasonable as he’s going through something mentally but at the same time so am I! And I don’t know if that’s a valid excuse to be the way he is with me.

OP posts:
DownTheBackofSofa · 08/03/2023 09:02

Run

MatildaTheCat · 08/03/2023 09:03

Sorry but he’s effectively dumped you. Just block him and move on. So much angst and effort after just 6 weeks.

please block him without further attempts to contact him and them spend some time really thinking about your self esteem and the men you’ve been choosing.

Sorry.

Icedlatteplease · 08/03/2023 09:04

Yes and no.

He has said he wants space. You need to give him that space, which you haven't done. Chasing after him isn't going to make him take your feelings into account.

But he is being an utter dick. This is his way of coping. It isnt nice and its completely unmanageable. But he will do it again and again.

A man who likes random women on Facebook will keep doing so.

You deserve much much better

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/03/2023 09:05

Life’s too short. You are a few weeks in and already he is dicking about. The whys don’t really matter. The fact is he is flaky and unreliable and you don’t need it. You are not his MH nurse.

You have correctly identified your own tendency to waste time on men who aren’t worth the effort. Time to act on your insights. Put yourself first.

Iam4eels · 08/03/2023 09:05

He's keeping you dangling on the line while he's looking at other options/other women online and then using guilt trip tactics about his mental health to play mind games with you. You're not a dick, he is.

Dump him, OP. You deserve a shot at happiness with someone who isn't a drama llama but you're not going to find that person while you're pursuing this one.

Original poster
Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:05

Yeah this is what I initially thought. I said the is to him and said let’s just move on.
i removed him from social media.
but he’s constantly checking on me and the only time I get any contact from him is him giving me grief for something I’ve posted. I posted a picture going to the gym and he went mad at me saying I was looking for another man, he wants to be with me etc…I just don’t know where I am with him

OP posts:
Pansypotter123 · 08/03/2023 09:06

When someone tells you who they are, listen; He's positively screaming at you.

Throw this one back before you're drawn in any further. A new relationship shouldn't be like this.

What do you mean about him liking girls' pictures? On dating sites or social media?

carriedout · 08/03/2023 09:06

Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:02

I just feel like I’m being unreasonable as he’s going through something mentally but at the same time so am I! And I don’t know if that’s a valid excuse to be the way he is with me.

Are you horrible/disrespectful to people because of your MH issues?

If you are not, why do you excuse it in others?

HyacinthineMacaw · 08/03/2023 09:06

At this stage of a relationship, you are seeing him on his very best behaviour. I wouldn’t consider this situation worth keeping in my life at 6 weeks in. You can do better. They are out there, I promise!

Original poster
Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:07

Social media. We both deleted dating apps about a week after we started dating,,,apparently anyway. I did,,,I thought he had but who knows

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 08/03/2023 09:07

Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:05

Yeah this is what I initially thought. I said the is to him and said let’s just move on.
i removed him from social media.
but he’s constantly checking on me and the only time I get any contact from him is him giving me grief for something I’ve posted. I posted a picture going to the gym and he went mad at me saying I was looking for another man, he wants to be with me etc…I just don’t know where I am with him

Jesus this gets worse. He’s a controlling arse and you’re barely even in a relationship.

Do yourself a favour. Stop worrying about what he thinks. Just lose him.

VenusStarr · 08/03/2023 09:08

Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:05

Yeah this is what I initially thought. I said the is to him and said let’s just move on.
i removed him from social media.
but he’s constantly checking on me and the only time I get any contact from him is him giving me grief for something I’ve posted. I posted a picture going to the gym and he went mad at me saying I was looking for another man, he wants to be with me etc…I just don’t know where I am with him

Block and delete. He sounds awful.

Iam4eels · 08/03/2023 09:08

Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:05

Yeah this is what I initially thought. I said the is to him and said let’s just move on.
i removed him from social media.
but he’s constantly checking on me and the only time I get any contact from him is him giving me grief for something I’ve posted. I posted a picture going to the gym and he went mad at me saying I was looking for another man, he wants to be with me etc…I just don’t know where I am with him

That there is a massive fucking red flag.

He's not giving you attention but he's worried other men might be so is getting possessive? No. That shit does not fly.

Block his number and block him on all platforms so he can't see your posts. If he tries to contact you or show up at your house give him one warning to stay away or you'll involve the police and then if he crosses that boundary, follow through on it.

That there is an abuser in waiting, don't give him a foothold in your life.

Pansypotter123 · 08/03/2023 09:09

he’s constantly checking on me and the only time I get any contact from him is him giving me grief for something I’ve posted. I posted a picture going to the gym and he went mad at me saying I was looking for another man, he wants to be with me etc…I just don’t know where I am with him

Life's far too short. Run!!

SkyandSurf · 08/03/2023 09:17

I got about a third of the way through before it was clear you need to move on.

Stop contacting him.

Original poster
Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:39

Thanks guys you’ve made it clear that I’m not being unreasonable to end it

OP posts:
DowntownRegret1 · 08/03/2023 09:57

Niknak23 · 08/03/2023 09:05

Yeah this is what I initially thought. I said the is to him and said let’s just move on.
i removed him from social media.
but he’s constantly checking on me and the only time I get any contact from him is him giving me grief for something I’ve posted. I posted a picture going to the gym and he went mad at me saying I was looking for another man, he wants to be with me etc…I just don’t know where I am with him

Sorry but this is almost unintentionally hilarious, if this is even real.

You really need therapy, immediately.

vivainsomnia · 08/03/2023 10:01

There's a wife or serious girlfriend behind it. Got caught, trying to work things out, keeping you hanging in case it doesn't.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/03/2023 10:04

You've posted all this about a guy you've been seeing 6 weeks? Honestly, chalk it up to experience and move on! come on!

VirginiaQ · 08/03/2023 10:19

OP you say 'this guy is just lovely' yet in the six weeks you've seen him he 'gives you grief' about photos you've posted on SM. He ignores you and is flaky about arrangements. I see nothing 'lovely' about him and you need to raise your bar a bit higher. This should be the honeymoon period when everyone's on best behaviour.

Just block and move on.

GG1986 · 08/03/2023 10:40

Walk away.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 08/03/2023 10:50

Run run run. He isn't good for you.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 08/03/2023 11:32

he says he wants to be with me and will talk to me when he’s better
Stop listening to his words & start paying attention to his actions.

You've known him 6 short weeks, he blows hot & cold, he makes a row with his parents bleed out into becoming a problem for you, he stalks/likes hot insta-women, he has MH issues ... & you said you no longer allow blokes to treat you badly, so WhyTF are you putting up with this?

Stop allowing him to dictate what is or isn't happening, & dump him.

I felt hurt cos although I’m going through a tough time at the moment I still prioritised him and tried to do nice things for him and just make sure he knew he was important to me.
Far too much, far too soon.
You have known him for SIX WEEKS.
Why did you invest so much emotional resource into him?

I think he love-bombed you at the start, couldn't sustain it, & is now showing you how he will treat you if you are foolish enough to continue with him.