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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to comment on someone not eating?

50 replies

holdthehonest · 07/03/2023 18:04

We have to have lunch as a department (I’d rather sit on my own and have away time but that’s very frowned on) and I wasn’t feeling hungry (anxiety kills my hunger).

Colleague sits next to me (haven’t seen her in maybe a month) and not even a hello just a “You not eating today (my name)?”. Why would you draw attention to it? I just found it rude.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 07/03/2023 18:07

I wouldn't be offended as she's not judging you or your food. It's more stating the obvious. I'd have said "not right now" and then changed the subject.

It sounds more like your not comfortable with the social aspect of work. Can you speak to your line manager or leave the premises at lunchtime

TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2023 18:07

I would ask if I was concerned you were unwell or in this day and age and as someone who has experienced food poverty worried you had no money for food and would make an offer or share mine.

I think you are being a bit sensitive, not sure why.

Havealovelydaytoday · 07/03/2023 18:08

I know you mean well @TomatoSandwiches but that is a bit intrusive, to be honest.

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 18:11

I think you're being oversensitive and cannot imagine why this would bother you.

SingaporeSlinky · 07/03/2023 18:12

Just small talk, surely. Stating the obvious. Unless she said “can you not afford food?” Or “do you have an eating disorder?” I don’t see why it’s rude.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2023 18:13

Havealovelydaytoday · 07/03/2023 18:08

I know you mean well @TomatoSandwiches but that is a bit intrusive, to be honest.

I'm not quite sure what you mean, I wouldn't ask someone if they had no food or are unwell, I would simply ask " not hungry today? " or " forgot your lunch? I've got plenty to share. " to give the person with no food an opportunity to answer, I wouldn't pester further than that.

Murdoch1949 · 07/03/2023 18:13

Just a conversation opener, you could have responded, no I'm not hungry, no, I had a big breakfast, no, I'm saving myself for dinner, no, I've got a tummy upset. Your colleague was just showing an interest in you.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 07/03/2023 18:13

I'd say more nosy than rude and likely completely unintentional.

It's really not necessary to comment on how much/how little anyone is (or isn't eating). If not downright rude it's at least rude adjacent😀

fairycakes1234 · 07/03/2023 18:15

Probably just trying to make conversation, i wouldn't worry.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2023 18:16

No, she's just passing comment on a usual state of affairs. I doubt she gives a Castlemaine 4X whether you eat lunch or not.

I wouldn't like being forced to eat en masse every single day though. Can't you announce you're going out for a walk or to get lunch out one day?

TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2023 18:17

Was it sitting in the group that made you anxious op or something else?

You should be able to spend you lunch hour how you please really.

MeditatingOnMars · 07/03/2023 18:17

If everyone is eating except one person, I might say ‘are you not having anything?’. It’s just an observation. If she doesn’t know you suffer with anxiety it’s a very normal thing to comment on in the circumstances you describe.

I would have said hello first though.

If you feel more comfortable spending lunch alone, do that, I wouldn’t care if it was frowned on if I felt how you do. Say you have to make some personal calls or something and sit somewhere else, another room, your car if you gave one or go for a walk.

quinceh · 07/03/2023 18:20

I’d find it a bit intrusive, but would just say ‘no’ and brush it off. It’d annoy me if they persisted with questions.

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 07/03/2023 18:24

Few years ago I asked a colleague who usually eats and it turned out she forgot her wallet but was too shy to ask anyone to spot her for a day

Original poster
holdthehonest · 07/03/2023 18:25

autienotnaughty · 07/03/2023 18:07

I wouldn't be offended as she's not judging you or your food. It's more stating the obvious. I'd have said "not right now" and then changed the subject.

It sounds more like your not comfortable with the social aspect of work. Can you speak to your line manager or leave the premises at lunchtime

Haha I don’t need to leave the premises, it’s just the odd occasion I don’t want to have lunch with managers and seniors etc because sometimes you actually want the break to chill from work stresses and not make conversation for an hour.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/03/2023 18:27

I would agree that they're just making conversation and is it possible that your anxiety may be magnifying the importance of the comment?

UWhatNow · 07/03/2023 18:28

Goodness, people just can’t say anything these days without someone feeling wounded about some perceived slight… I love that quote ‘people would worry less about what people thought of them if they realised how seldom they do.’

Get over yourself please.

TheRookie · 07/03/2023 18:29

If you are already feeling anxious/anti social then questions like this can seem instructive but it's in no way rude or derogatory. It's merely concern or even just normal conversation. I always ask my colleagues what they're having for lunch!

Maxwelll · 07/03/2023 18:29

Not rude, just a conversation starter/question.

MrsDoylesDoily · 07/03/2023 18:32

For the love of God I wish this sort of shit would stop, before no-one's allowed to say anything to anyone about anything 🙄

It's just food.

You weren't eating some.

Someone mentioned it.

The end.

Jojoanna · 07/03/2023 18:33

I would find it annoying but it's just conversation . I had a colleague who remarked on my lunch everyday got on my nerves but I am antisocial . Another colleague got annoyed when anybody asked if she was cold because she wore so many layers .
People are annoying but it's just small talk .

tulippa · 07/03/2023 18:34

Think she meant well here and was just making conversation. You might have forgotten your lunch or something (I have left mine in the fridge at home by mistake a few times) and she might have offered some of hers...
I would really hate your work's lunch set up though. I don't always feel comfortable eating in front of people and sometimes just need 30 minutes talking to no-one if I've had a busy morning. It's good that they're encouraging everyone to take a break but shouldn't be mandating how.

Partyandbullshit · 07/03/2023 18:37

Nobody is thinking about you as much as you are (you in general, not specifically the OP).

She did nothing wrong, the issue is with you. Brush it off, move on.

MrsDoylesDoily · 07/03/2023 18:40

Jojoanna · 07/03/2023 18:33

I would find it annoying but it's just conversation . I had a colleague who remarked on my lunch everyday got on my nerves but I am antisocial . Another colleague got annoyed when anybody asked if she was cold because she wore so many layers .
People are annoying but it's just small talk .

And some people are just very easily annoyed.

museumum · 07/03/2023 18:41

not rude at all, just making small talk really. Whoever decided you all had to sit together is in the wrong, this person is just trying to chit chat rather than sitting in silence.

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