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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to comment on someone not eating?

50 replies

holdthehonest · 07/03/2023 18:04

We have to have lunch as a department (I’d rather sit on my own and have away time but that’s very frowned on) and I wasn’t feeling hungry (anxiety kills my hunger).

Colleague sits next to me (haven’t seen her in maybe a month) and not even a hello just a “You not eating today (my name)?”. Why would you draw attention to it? I just found it rude.

OP posts:

openingbat · 07/03/2023 18:41

It's just a conversation, I'd just say "no, not feeling hungry" and move on. Couldn't get offended over it.

GoodChat · 07/03/2023 18:41

She was just making conversation.

Iliketeaagain · 07/03/2023 18:43

Honestly, it's just - conversation starter.

I might have done it in the past to someone at work - more a "are you not eating today, did you forget your lunch?" and offer to share what I had brought with me or offer to buy something in case they had forgotten their purse and didn't have the means to buy lunch (and on that same pretence if I was worried they couldn't afford lunch).

Most people are generally nice and not deliberately rude IME. If she did it every day you might have a point, but you say you've not seen her for a month, so probably just starting a conversation.

Clioma · 07/03/2023 18:44

She was just making conversation. For all she knew you might have been going out for dinner so didn't want to have lunch and spoil your appetite, you might have been fasting, etc. I think you overreacted

AllOfThemWitches · 07/03/2023 18:45

I think people should refrain from commenting on other people's eating habits. It's just irritating. I remember working with a man who used to hover around me when I was eating, making comments like 'I thought you were being healthy' if I had a few crisps. Seriously, just fuck off 😆

KateAusten · 07/03/2023 18:47

Sounds like a very controlling environment

My lunch is unpaid and I'll do what I want and go where I want

CalistoNoSolo · 07/03/2023 18:51

You're being U, but I'm more interested in what the job/workplace is that forces all employees to eat lunch together every day.

Meandfour · 07/03/2023 18:53

You’re massively overthinking this. It was a passing comment.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 07/03/2023 18:53

It’s small talk. You’re taking it far too seriously.

Biscuitlover456 · 07/03/2023 18:56

It sounds like they were just making small talk - however I also don’t like people commenting on my eating habits, so I get how you feel. It’s funny because if they said the opposite (“Wow, you’re eating a lot of food today!”) that would be pretty rude so I wonder why the other case is acceptable? The mysteries of social interaction!

PigeonPlayingChicken · 07/03/2023 19:00

KateAusten · 07/03/2023 18:47

Sounds like a very controlling environment

My lunch is unpaid and I'll do what I want and go where I want

This^ my lunch break is my time and I'm not wasting it making small talk with colleagues.

AlwaysLatte · 07/03/2023 19:01

Maybe it was a friendly thing - some of the reasons could have been told forgotten your lunch, or weren't feeling well. So maybe she was willing to help with sharing or making sure you were ok. I couldn't eat sitting next to someone if I thought they'd forgotten their lunch, without sharing.

Original poster

holdthehonest · 07/03/2023 19:14

But it’s not conversation starter when other people are sat around us and hear her comment and all stare at me. It’s drawing attention to it.

Do I think she cares? No. Sure I never said that.

OP posts:

ReliantRobyn · 07/03/2023 19:14

This is all on you. Innocent and logical comment.

Boxofsockss · 07/03/2023 19:16

I wouldn’t be offended but it would annoy me as then you feel you need to explain yourself and you’ve had further attention gained when in actual fact you wanted as little as possible. I’d probably not sit by her next time. 😃

LakeTiticaca · 07/03/2023 19:18

If its an unpaid lunch break they can't force to eat with colleagues.
Go to a cafe or bring sandwiches to eat in your car

Redebs · 07/03/2023 19:23

If you work more than 6 hours in a shift, you're entitled to a break of at least 20 minutes which should be taken away from your direct work area.
You don't have to stay with your department if you'd prefer a bit of privacy.

I think your colleague was being kind though. It's the kind of thing I might ask someone in case they had forgotten lunch and needed a share of mine

MichelleScarn · 07/03/2023 20:10

holdthehonest · 07/03/2023 19:14

But it’s not conversation starter when other people are sat around us and hear her comment and all stare at me. It’s drawing attention to it.

Do I think she cares? No. Sure I never said that.

So everyone around stopped their conversations and eating as they were so interested in your lunch or lack of it?
Honestly now think you're reading far too much into this!

FourTeaFallOut · 07/03/2023 20:24

This is just the day to day patter of being sociable. You just say, "No, didn't fancy it today. How was your weekend?" Or similar. Mostly people don't put much emphasis on the actual content of the conversation, mostly they function as a token of acknowledgement and friendship.

Ragwort · 07/03/2023 20:30

I think you sound very sensitive... it's just small talk ... there was a recent thread where the OP was upset because no one talked to her at lunch time. Clearly modern life is a minefield ... no one knows what is 'acceptable' to talk (or not) about .

WandaWonder · 07/03/2023 20:40

I see it as making conversation not an interrogation, that is how people talk unless you provide a check list on what is acceptable to say you will always be upset with something

LavenderHillMob · 07/03/2023 22:06

I wholeheartedly agree that forced lunch with Colleagues is a pile of shite, and as other PP have said if you're not paid for your break, you are entitled to piss off elsewhere. If it's a role where you can't leave the premises, you should have a quiet space cupboard if it's healthcare to chill.

But, I can't see anything wrong at all with are you not eating?
Just answer no, what are you having?

TheLaughOfRustyLee · 07/03/2023 22:13

It completely depends on the tone and the volume and your history with this person.

If it's said in a loudish, condescending manner to draw attention to the fact your not eating - it's rude.

If it's in a fairly quiet, caring 'you ok' kind of way - it's just care from a colleague.

Anything in between is small talk and they probably were just starting a chat with you.

cocksstrideintheevening · 07/03/2023 22:15

holdthehonest · 07/03/2023 18:04

We have to have lunch as a department (I’d rather sit on my own and have away time but that’s very frowned on) and I wasn’t feeling hungry (anxiety kills my hunger).

Colleague sits next to me (haven’t seen her in maybe a month) and not even a hello just a “You not eating today (my name)?”. Why would you draw attention to it? I just found it rude.

And this is why I don't eat with other people.

PollyPut · 07/03/2023 22:16

sounds like small talk to me. Maybe they normally talk to people about what they are eating as a conversation opener, so this is a natural progression?

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