Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to just not call my mother?!

29 replies

NotTonightDeidre · 07/03/2023 17:18

I usually call my mum most days but the only time she calls me is if she didn't get to the phone quick enough to answer before it rings out.

If I miss a day or 2 the first thing she says when she picks up is "you've not rang". It's almost as if the phone doesn't work in reverse.

WIBU to just not call and see how much time passes? I'm currently on day 3 of not calling her. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/03/2023 17:21

Does she not enjoy making phone calls?

DashboardConfessional · 07/03/2023 17:23

Well. She is using it as a yardstick as to how often you think about her/miss her/see her as important. So carry on but you will probably get an earful. Wrongly!

Chocolatetadpole · 07/03/2023 17:25

Maybe she's worried about encroaching on your time? I don't think I'd get in to this game playing thing to be honest, if I enjoy talking to my mum by phone I'll continue calling regularly.

girlfriend44 · 07/03/2023 17:27

NotTonightDeidre · 07/03/2023 17:18

I usually call my mum most days but the only time she calls me is if she didn't get to the phone quick enough to answer before it rings out.

If I miss a day or 2 the first thing she says when she picks up is "you've not rang". It's almost as if the phone doesn't work in reverse.

WIBU to just not call and see how much time passes? I'm currently on day 3 of not calling her. 🤷‍♀️

Yabu imagine she passed away tonight how would you feel.
Stop playing silly games.

Original poster
NotTonightDeidre · 07/03/2023 17:30

girlfriend44 · 07/03/2023 17:27

Yabu imagine she passed away tonight how would you feel.
Stop playing silly games.

Show quote history

Because this is highly likely. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTonightDeidre · 07/03/2023 17:34

I'm just fed up of making all the effort.

It's not just me she does it to. She doesn't phone other people either and then complains that people haven't rang her.

I don't particularly enjoy speaking to her, she's quite a judge person. I just make the phone calls because I like an easy life.

OP posts:
Catuscatish · 07/03/2023 17:36

Go for it. It's one of the many reasons I'm VVLC with my mother.

She wouldn't ring me, but when I rang she would be shitty and passive aggressive or even worse she would get her latest boy toy (now husband almost the same age as me) to ring up and berate me for upsetting my Mum by not ringing daily.

I was bringing up a child, commuting about four hours a day to work in a high pressure job. She didn't work. She does expect everyone's world to revolve around her.

Honestly it's very freeing to allow yourself some space.

girlfriend44 · 07/03/2023 17:38

NotTonightDeidre · 07/03/2023 17:30

Because this is highly likely. Hmm

Show quote history

Tomorrow's no guaranteed for anyone.
Be careful what you say.

One day when she isn't here to phone, you will wish she was.

RhubarbFairy · 07/03/2023 17:41

Not unreasonable at all. I've had a similar conversation with my grandmother. She doesn't complain anymore, and we just chat as and when.

HappyintheHills · 07/03/2023 17:41

girlfriend44 · 07/03/2023 17:38

Tomorrow's no guaranteed for anyone.
Be careful what you say.

One day when she isn't here to phone, you will wish she was.

Show quote history

Not necessarily…..

Cherrysoup · 07/03/2023 17:42

girlfriend44 · 07/03/2023 17:38

Tomorrow's no guaranteed for anyone.
Be careful what you say.

One day when she isn't here to phone, you will wish she was.

Show quote history

Or maybe she won’t. Not everyone will miss their mother when she dies. Couldn’t care less if mine were to do so.

My mother does this too. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times she’s phoned me in 3 years. She’s really upset my sibling by refusing to practise using WhatsApp so she can contact her grandchildren then moans that my sibling never contacts her!

PermanentTemporary · 07/03/2023 17:49

Im afraid I never miss chatting to my dad... his life was long enough.

I wouldn't be testing her. Just decide what feels about the right frequency for you and ring her that often.

Wolfiefan · 07/03/2023 17:52

MIL does this to DH. I’ve suggested he point it out and tell her everytime she says similar stuff to just hang up! He won’t.

ICanHideButICantRun · 07/03/2023 17:59

@girlfriend44 on that basis, then maybe her mother should think about her being dead! It goes both ways.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 07/03/2023 18:02

The next time she does so, ask her where she bought her one-way telephone.

It worked for MIL.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2023 18:05

How old is your mother, OP?

Because if she's north of 85, I'd say just smile and call her.

diddl · 07/03/2023 18:10

If you want to call then call & tell her it's her turn next.

furryfrontbottom · 07/03/2023 18:10

Ask her: do you do this to annoy me? If not, why the fuck DO you do it?

Motnight · 07/03/2023 18:11

girlfriend44 · 07/03/2023 17:27

Yabu imagine she passed away tonight how would you feel.
Stop playing silly games.

Show quote history

What a rule to live by 😂

Arou · 07/03/2023 18:13

I hate the guilt trippy ‘what if she died’ comments. Endure emotional blackmailing and being treated poorly and like your life doesn’t matter (and that a phone doesn’t work both ways) because they will eventually die. Even if they did would you tell someone to always feel shit about the fact they had their own life and rang their mum once a week instead of every day? I find these posts so sad for the OP.

My mum will call me and I’ll call her but it’s by no means a point scoring thing or an every day thing (sometimes we will go a week or more) and our conversations are pleasant and we do it because we want to… if my mum acted like I was indebted to her and I dreaded my calls to her and a phone worked one way I’m afraid I wouldn’t call often at all. Call me the worst daughter of the year but I have a life and from my perspective I’d want my daughter to live hers !

Orangetapemeasure · 07/03/2023 18:14

My DM is the same. Ditto arranging days out. Her excuse is ‘you’re always busy’ to which I e explained 1000 times that if I’m busy I won’t pick up and I’ll call her back. I’ve also pointed out that I’m not so busy that I can’t make time for friends….and if she ever bothered to ask I’d make time for her too……but it shouldn’t always have to be me who makes the effort.

Bunnyishotandcross · 07/03/2023 18:14

When my dm flounced from my home I didn't ring her... She didn't ring me.
10 years passed.
It was sheer bliss!

JackiePlace · 07/03/2023 18:16

Just phone her. It probably gives her some kind of security knowing that you will call at a specified time.
By God I wish I could phone my Mum. 💔

Murdoch1949 · 07/03/2023 18:17

I'm guilty of this. I wait for them to phone me. They are busy, if I phoned they could be at work, gym, with friends etc. I'm always available.

jannier · 07/03/2023 18:29

NotTonightDeidre · 07/03/2023 17:30

Because this is highly likely. Hmm

Show quote history

Well most people do die in bed so not totally unlikely.......but why not just call? She knows you've got things to do and will be busy wouldn't you hate it more if every day she called just as you served dinner, sat on the loo or were helping homework?