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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about a future with dh, as he’s awful if I’m ever sick

49 replies

Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 10:25

He can’t cope with it at all
😰and it makes me feel very fearful what I was to get sick first when we are elderly etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 10:26

It’s like it just freaks him out/ he can’t cope/he can’t or doesn’t want to deal with it

OP posts:
jigsaw234 · 07/03/2023 10:26

do you have kids? does he care about you?

whatadayforadaydream · 07/03/2023 10:27

I think this about my DH. He can't cope when I am ill. I have no answers, and do worry about it from time to time.

DutchCowgirl · 07/03/2023 10:35

I have this myself… i can’t cope when my DH is ill. Partly because he always makes a great fuss out of it and then i’m always shifting in my head from “Is is just a menflu” to “What if it is serious and i’m accusing him of having a menflu!”

But i think it is the case because I love him so much and i don’t want anything to happen to him. Is this the case with your DH as well maybe? It isn’t really negative. I hope if my DH ever gets anything serious I hop I’ll find a way to deal with it.

HumphreyCobblers · 07/03/2023 11:16

I used to be pretty awful if my partner was ill. I was happy to look after him etc but at some point I would usually get cross with him. I worked out I was freaking out about seeing him vulnerable. So I copped on to myself and I stopped doing it.

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2023 11:18

Sounds like he’s failing at one of the traditional marriage vows so what else is he failing at? Bit of a red flag tbh

Original poster
Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 11:21

Yeah we have kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 11:21

I do believe he cares but he gets frustrated easily and can’t hide it
and lack patience

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 11:22

Can be hard to tell if he just generally can’t cope with it
or can’t be arsed

OP posts:
Miloticc · 07/03/2023 11:25

If you weren’t ill but you went away for 2 days and he had to look after the house/kids would he react in the exact same way?

Original poster
Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 11:45

Miloticc · 07/03/2023 11:25

If you weren’t ill but you went away for 2 days and he had to look after the house/kids would he react in the exact same way?

No he would be fine with that
although not much would get done and it would eve subways for lunch and takeaways for tea and nothing else done etc

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2023 12:00

Sounds like he resents his household appliance when she stops working as he would like.

I would not be impressed.

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 07/03/2023 12:02

Mine’s useless if I’m ill, always has been.
i just have alternative plans for such eventualities.

Badger1970 · 07/03/2023 12:04

DH is horrible when I'm ill. So now if he's unwell, he gets the bare minimum in return.

It does worry me as he's got a plethora of health conditions and he doesn't look after himself at all - I'm buggered if I'm handing over my retirement years to be his carer.

Devoutspoken · 07/03/2023 12:13

Mine isn't great either, fortunately I rarely get ill and I figure he'll die first anyway!

FlakeyLurker · 07/03/2023 12:19

My Dad was dreadfully impatient with some Conesa, until my Mum was seriously I'll, when he cares for her really well for 2 years till she died

MavisMcMinty · 07/03/2023 12:19

I sometimes worry about this, but from your husband’s point of view.

I was a nurse for 35 years, and just like my Mum who was also a nurse, I had no time at all for sickness in my own house, in my precious off-duty hours. My poor partner kept prolapsing his intervertebral discs and as he was self-employed in a physical job, each time it happened it cost us (by which I mean me) £10K, and honestly, all I wanted to do was smother him with a pillow.

I might be better now I’m retired, of course.

Hankunamatata · 07/03/2023 12:22

When I'm ill I retreat to bed and leave dh to it. The worst I was ill for about 2 weeks. By end of week 1 he realised he was going to need to wash clothes, clean etc. End week 2 he had it sussed

GloomyDarkness · 07/03/2023 12:29

Mine veers between exceptional good to bloody awful - so yes I worry somewhat.

However he's rarely ill and doesn't really do man flu.

When he was really bad in hospital and home decade and half ago due to accident I wasn't always great because I had three very young kids as well and very limited help with huge strings often attached very reluctantly offered that I frequently felt made to beg for - it was physically and mentally exhausting.

With our parents my Mum been very good but is facing burn out with Dad but MIL has been bloody awful with FIL health - FIL can be dangerously cavalier with his health but at other times a hypochondriac - so is difficult to manage but she tends to make it about her though she is rarely ill herself and he's awful when she is.

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2023 12:44

Sounds like you married someone incompetent

LysHastighed · 07/03/2023 12:47

I saw a documentary about terminal illness (maybe ‘my last summer’) that mentioned that a significant number of husbands just walk away when their wife receives a terminal diagnosis, but women almost never do.
If he can’t help through a cold, is he worth betting on to help you through chemo?

Sassyfox · 07/03/2023 12:54

Can you explain it a bit more?

What illness do you mean and how does he act?

Does he worry and panic that you’re unwell and fussed over you?

Or does he get jealous because you need a bit of extra attention and help around the home?

Orangello · 07/03/2023 12:56

No he would be fine with that
although not much would get done and it would eve subways for lunch and takeaways for tea and nothing else done etc

Not fine then, is it, if he can't function as a parent or adult in general.

bussteward · 07/03/2023 12:57

Bluetitnest · 07/03/2023 11:45

No he would be fine with that
although not much would get done and it would eve subways for lunch and takeaways for tea and nothing else done etc

Show quote history

Why is that the case? Is he terminally useless?

diddl · 07/03/2023 13:08

Orangello · 07/03/2023 12:56

No he would be fine with that
although not much would get done and it would eve subways for lunch and takeaways for tea and nothing else done etc

Not fine then, is it, if he can't function as a parent or adult in general.

I agree with that.

He can't keep the house going let alone run around for someone who needs it as well!

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