Worried about a future with dh, as he’s awful if I’m ever sick

[Bluetitnest]

He can’t cope with it at all
😰and it makes me feel very fearful what I was to get sick first when we are elderly etc

I thought my DH would be useless if I was ill, but the shock of an actual problem showed he actually coped a lot better than either of us expected.

He really stepped up after I had an accident and even cooked a full roast dinner (under guidance admittedly!), despite never having done anything more than opening a packet and chucking something in the oven.

He did it because he had to, but mainly because he loves me and wants to help and comfort.

I am generally not particularly sympathetic when he is ill, because he is a bit of a drama queen over minor illnesses, but when he is more ill or injured I also step up. I changed my work days round recently to help him at home after an injury.

It's what couples do.

Hopefully OP's DH would step up if a serious issue arose, but if not I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship, or at least my own attitude to him if he were to be ill.

Also a nurse and I think this is definitely a thing.

Surely that's more of a worry, if anything ever happened to you he lacks the ability to care for them without outsourcing cooking and he can't keep on top of the house as well as look after them.

I nursed an ex-boyfriend through a long period of illness. A year or so later I was poorly and needed an operation. I recovered quickly but he clearly forgot what it was like to be ill as he just let me get on with it. I ended up going to my Mum and Dad's to recover. It was one of the many reasons I got shot of him.

Thankfully DH is wonderful. It is something you need to consider. I'd rather be on my own I think. At least you know where you stand!

So is he a selfish dick in other areas of your life together or just this thing?

I think it depends on what you mean by him not doing much. My husband always takes a month off when we have a new baby- during this time he does the school runs, baths etc for older ones and pretty much takes over for me while I have a bit of a recovery period and muddle through that first few sleepless weeks. He absolutely does not do as much as I would do or do things to the same standard as me. But I expect that and I’m fine with it. I don’t think it’s that he is useless or doesn’t respect me or anything like that- there are just certain things that I do as “my jobs” and similarly there are certain things that are “his jobs”. For example, I never take a bin out or do the gardening or anything. If he was ill longterm, I would likely make an arse of all those things.

I’ll add, I don’t understand husbands who are horrible when their wives are sick. Mine will almost always assume I’m at deaths door and panic like mad. I had a sickness bug when I was 8 months pregnant with baby no.5- my husband genuinely had a bit of a nervous breakdown as he was so concerned. I’m a nurse and I think I naturally have that nurses mindset of being practical about managing illnesses but I don’t make a big deal of things and tend to just get on with it.

What is he like when someone else is ill? One of the kids, one of his parents? How does he treat them?
Some people just aren't good around illness but I think you need to know whether it's just you he's like this with.
Maybe you're his bedrock and he doesn't function well if he feels you can't be "there for him" to the same extent. Which is ridiculous as it's only for brief time!

we have the same set-up, and this time actually started in pregnancy when I had PGP and was fairly incapacitated. DP took over all nursery runs, bedtimes, food shops, laundry, cleaning, and carried on in the early weeks while I did the sleepless dazed part. He absolutely doesn’t do as much as I do or as quickly, for example I like to set the dishwasher going, hand wash and dry anything non-dishwasher, and wipe the counters etc before bed, so it’s reset for the next morning. He’d rather go and play video games and deal with it the next morning when it doesn’t affect me anyway because I’m in bed relentlessly feeding a newborn. I’d argue it affects the older DC a bit – who wants to have breakfast in squalor? But it’s not actively harmful and everyone has to be allowed to parent and housekeep differently. (Certainly the DC get slightly more TV and “have a biscuit and just do it” bribes on his watch than mine…) The point is it eventually all gets done. And he’d argue I never clear the dishwasher filter! (I’d argue if he scraped the plates properly it gets clogged far less. Horses for courses.)

But from OP’s update that if she were away a couple of days they’d live exclusively on takeaway food is a bit telling. If I were away a couple of days I’d expect the house to be a bit trashed everyone a bit tired from later bedtimes/excess of TV bribery, but they’d all be properly fed, meals cooked, nits combed out, hair washed, at school on time, interminable stories about what someone on Octonauts said listened to, all the basics, with zero takeaways except perhaps for us to celebrate my return.

My DH used to be like this until he got very sick himself .If I hadn't raised hell and not given up on getting him taken seriously by the medical establishment , he would be dead now .Im also an ex nurse and never had much time for sniffles etc and don't ever expect to be mollycoddled myself but he used to completely leave me on my own when sick and not help at all .It was very upsetting .But now he is very caring and goes out of his way to help.I'm hardly ever sick though and haven't even had Covid but at least I know he will look after me in future should the need arise .

Ahh so is the real issue that he gets frustrated that his skivvy is malfunctioning?

20% of men leave when their wife gets cancer OP, looks like you may have picked one of them.

Well I've got stage 4 cancer (early 40s with young children) and I thank my lucky stars every day that my husband is who he is. He's had to do pretty much everything for months, as well as be my main emotional support. We were always a good team, but he really has been amazing through this so far.

Going through what I am but with a useless man child who didn't step up would be a whole new level of horror.

Yes what kind of ill and what kind of awful? Coughs and colds or terminal cancer require a somewhat different spousal response! And are we talking abusive here or just passive/lackadaisical? I do think you tend to see the true colours of people in adversity, and when married partners stop being able to show basic kindness and consideration to one another that's a huge red flag.

But I do think there can be some double standards on here, if a mum came on here saying 'DH is ill in bed, I've had sole charge of kids all weekend, AIBU to leave the housework for tomorrow and get a takeaway in' the overwhelming response would be YANBU, variants on 'everyone fed, no-one dead' and/or chimes of LTB, 'your DH is a lazy useless dickhead, mums just have to soldier on when they have a cold, why does he get to lay in bed feeling sorry for himself' etc etc. Whereas men can be castigated for not having the house spotless or allowing the kids to watch TV or whatever when left in charge because mum is away or ill or whatever. So if it's (just) that and he's otherwise a good bloke I'd cut him a bit of slack...

But I do think there can be some double standards on here, if a mum came on here saying 'DH is ill in bed, I've had sole charge of kids all weekend, AIBU to leave the housework for tomorrow and get a takeaway in' the overwhelming response would be YANBU

Where does OP say he’s been looking after their (none existent) kids all weekend?

Mine is not useless, he’s good with our kids in general & wouldn’t hesitate to leave them with him for weeks at a time. They’d be fed better by him.
But when I’m ill he brings tea but also doesn’t believe me when I’m seriously ill. I don’t know why he doesn’t, am hardly a hypochondriac, I think it’s just his was of coping.

so I’ve got a very good friend and forceful person, in a good way, to be my health POA. And if I’m really ill I call friends before him to take me to hospital. I know I cannot rely on him or my older children to do so.

it would eve subways for lunch and takeaways for tea and nothing else done etc

So he can procreate but is incapable of cooking beans on toast!?

Get shot of him. Getting ill is the least of your worries.

I am terrible when dh is sick. He always makes a big fuss moaning and groaning and l have no patience. He is brilliant when l am sick looking after me so well but l am a very stoic patient so make very little demands. He was always far better at caring for the dc when they were unwell too. In his house growing up sickness got a lot of attention while in mine it as fairly normal and something to get on with.
I wouldn'worry about this if he is good in other areas. I try not to think about dh being physically incapacitated at any stage as he will be a dreadful patient. He hates being indoors and is always on the go.

Sorry, she does have kids, I misread, but still, where does she say he was looking after them all weekend?

I’ve been writing in the floor begging to be put out of my misery & he tried to feed me takeaway & offer sympathy. Ended up shouting at him to drive me to hospital where I was admitted for a week.

That shook our marriage and I nearly divorced him over it.

Do you tend to do most of the shopping/housework? From what you've said re: looking after children, I just wonder if he doesn't know what to do, or doesn't want to know what to do and is reacting that way, so he doesn't have to put himself into anything.

My LPA isn't my husband for these reasons.

My DP was completely shit but then I got cancer and he did a complete 360 turn with his attitude and couldn't do enough. Six months on and he's still doing more than 50%.

Oh god that sounds awful
maybe I should force myself to watch that

No he would be fine with that
although not much would get done and it would be subways for lunch and takeaways for tea and nothing else done etc

So he's terminally lazy and can't adult. Hmm.